Withered flowers
by Miss Ragdoll
Summary: She had found arms to keep her feeling, a momentarily distraction from her life. Five years ago everything crumbled at her feet, and she too wished she could have become ashes and be erased by the wind. Five years ago... - ON HIATUS -
1. Prologue 1: Renji

"In an alternate world I could have you, in an alternate world I could have never let you go, stay by your side, never betray your trust. In an alternate world, I could have made you love me, and thus none of us would be suffering now for an unrequited love. I, because you don't love me, and you because you do, but not that way."

Rukia didn't face him, she couldn't; turned backwards she embraced herself, covering her nakedness with her arms and raising her legs until her knees were covering her chest. Renji stared at her white back painted by the moon with soft, pleading eyes.

"I just want you not to regret this enough to never come back. I'd do anything for you to stay, or to come back at me again, whenever you want me. Even shallowing my pride, even tossing it around. I'd be prideless if you ask me to. But tell me this is not the last time."

"It should have never happened, for the starters..."

Rukia said with a trembling, tortured voice, rubbing her arms with her pale, cold hands. Renji huffed and took his eyes from her beautiful and small back to look at the ceiling.

"But it has, and not only once or twice." She shuddered, and he took slight pleasure and guilt from it. "I know you don't dislike it happening as much as you dislike yourself right now. I don't want you to hate yourself, I'd rather you hate me a thousand times. But don't hate this, don't hate an act of simpathy like this."

"Simpathy?"

Rukia turned swiftly and stared at Renji with tortured eyes and a confused and scared look. From the corner of his eye he looked at her purple eyes sheeding tears and tried not to smile his sadness.

"Yes, simpathy. This is not but an act of union between two loners, two souls that need to belong to somewhere or someone to feel complete, at ease. I need you, and you allow me to have you, though momentarily. And you need him, and I take pleasure in being his substitute."

Rukia needed about two secods to process what Renji had just said, only to become completely enraged, and slap him hard in his face. Renji couldn't avoid being pleased she had reacted. And in turning around, he'd seen her naked again. That would make the rest of his miserable day bearable, even with all the hate she could feel it was better that than anything at all. He smiled. Rukia stared at him, angry as hell, her eyes red, tears streaming down her cheeks in complete impotence, which made Renji feel guilty again.

"Glad you reacted to me, I was getting worried at you being dumbfounded. Now you can go not wanting to see me again, that way you won't feel guilty you've slept with me. Again."

Rukia flinched and hid her face again from him. Guilt... all she did was feel guilty; she was betraying Byakuya, she was betraying Renji, she was betraying herself... all she did was being false, completely false to everyone around her, to herself. Only Renji knew what she was doing and why. But that didn't erase the shame, it only fueled it more. Because he loved her. And she was using him. Over and over again.

"I... won't come back." Her voice was uneven, very low.

"Last time you said it too. If this is how you fullfill a promise, I want you to never come back, then."

Renji smiled in spite of himself; he knew the more she felt guilt the sooner she'd come back. Feeling dirty and coming back for more was a very human thing to do. Completely illogical, but it happened. When you feel you don't deserve the love you've betrayed, you come back more often to your lover, because you don't stand your presence next to the one you've betrayed.

Rukia woke up from the untidy bed and picked up her clothes, thrown at random places of the room in the spur of the moment. She felt the blood rise to her face when she picked her underwear. It was next to Renji's. A wave of hottness invaded her body and her legs trembled.

Sex had left her exhausted. And strangely complete and satisfied in a physical way; spiritually she was momentarily dumbfounded. That should last for the next hours, enough time for her to feel relieved not to feel the situation she was in.

"Renji." She stopped picking up her clothes when she heard him let himself fell in the bed. "If I didn't come back... what would happen to us?"

"To us?" Renji replied, in a lazy voice, while trying not to fall asleep.

"Tell me you won't come after me if I don't come back."

The sadness in her voice was enough to wake him at once. He stared at her in disbelief.

"What are you talking about?"

His voice was so worried, so near to reach to the sudden consequences of what she was hinting, that Rukia had to change quickly the issue.

"It's OK, I'm just exhausted, mentally and physically, don't worry about me, I'm talking nonsense here."

Renji's eyebrows knitted together and rushed for the right words to say since he was not a very elocuent speaker. He hid part of his face with his hand.

"Please. Please, whatever you do, think before you act; don't let yourself be driven away by your feelings" He smiled sadly at his pathetic trying for an advice, "never in the spur, OK? life is... too valuable. "

Rukia tried to smile at him but couldn't. She finished tying her obi and ran her hands though her raven hair. Renji took care in how beautiful she looked even after all this mess that had been the night. She was beautiful no matter what, no matter how torured she felt. Even her lifeless eyes looked beautiful. He couldn't get anymore from her. Thus that was enough. He ran his hand through his red hair and found it knotted; she's been on top, that was a clear consequence.

Rukia took a light look at Renji moving across the bed to retrieve his clothes and couldn't help to stare at his body, covered in tattoos; the first time she'd seen them she thought there were too many. Now she took all night in following their patterns all over his body. She knew where they were guided to, all of them. Thus when Renji caught her looking at the tattoo on his hip, he smiled smugly. She was all red, but didn't look away. Shame on naked bodies was soon overcame after so many nights.

"You like what you see..."

His voice was proud. He took great pleasure in showing her how he was. Rukia rised his eyes and looked at his face.

"I never said I didn't."

"Good. I'm considering tattoing myself again, so you can follow new routes next time."

This time Rukia was caught by surprise and her blush turned the deepest red, forcing her to look at her feet. Soon before where her feet were appeared Renji's.

A naked Renji was in front of her, caresing her face while she kept her eyes closed. Even the sight of his feet evoked too much. Then he turned around and gazed through the window; it was almost dawn.

"It's late, you should go back."

Rukia opened her eyes and looked at Renji, who was smiling at her. His face was so soft right now, his eyes, his mouth...

"I'll see you... later."

"Yeah..."

Rukia approached the door and without looking back she left.  
>And the room was crashed by emptiness the single moment she left.<br>And Renji could finally cry.


	2. Prologue 2: Byakuya

"Byakuya-sama."

Byakuya snapped form his usual mental isolation and took a glance at the woman that had uttered his sacred words. Words so sacred he wanted only one person to voice them to him ever, words known to be so sacred she felt dirty and undeserving of the right to voice them.

And she lacked the right.

Byakuya's stare pierced her with his cold eyes, so beautiful, so dangerous she felt a shiver run down her spine. But after some years of convivence she'd grown accostumed to his cold stares and dead silences; much as it was before the wedding.

Byakuya had been forced to marry her. She could only consent and obey, her rights as a Kuchiki were tightly tied to her obligations, and following the dictates of the elders was not an option. The only one who could object and oppose was the succesor of the clan, Kuchiki Byakuya, and he did. He did, but failed misserably, and refused to keep opposing and breaking the clan anymore. So the night before of the wedding he had made Rukia a vow completely different from the one he would be obliged to make before the elders: he swore to his pride and soul he would never touch her. Much to Rukia's dismay right now. Any human contact would be better than this impossible, surreal isolation.

"Byakuya-sama," This time Rukia's voice was softer, pleading. "may I have breakfast with you?"

Byakuya's features hid under his long bangs and approved her pressence in the room. Rukia, dressed in a formal blueish kimono and a grey obi sat across the table and waited until one of the service person brought her a bowl of rice and miso soup. Byakuya had not touched his, and it was clear his soup was cold.

"Are you not feeling well, Byaku-"

"Rukia" His words stopped her dead in tracks. They were strong. His voice always was; it did not leave place for answering. "I believe I told you to never again call me like this if we were alone."

Rukia felt the blood leaving her hands in an unconfortable way. She was gripping her kimono too tightly.

"We are not alone."

She needen't to take a look around to felt some minor reiatsu from the service around the house.

"Never call me that again if it's not absolutely necessary."

No discussion was allowed and he didn't give a damn if she could have been right. He just wasn't in the mood to stand such a thing; last night hadn't been exactly pleasant and he had hardly had any sleep. He wanted to drop the matter as soon as possible.

His tone would have made anyone shut their mouths for the rest of the day, but today Rukia wasn't feeling exactly right too.

"It's very unconfortable to keep calling you nii-sama after 5 years of being married, Byakuya-sama."

Byakuya rose from the table and made his way out of the room without sparing a word at an astounished Rukia. He was going to leave her there without even a proper goodbye. It was more than she could handle right now. And decided to try.

"Then, nii-sama," Byakuya stopped at the door "divorce me."

Byakuya turned his head and stared vividly at Rukia. She was giving him back that cold look he always granted her with whenever he was not in the mood, which was the majority of the time, but with a distinctive feature; he could still see right through her emotions cristal clear. Ever after the wedding the relationship it had cost that much to be build between brother and sister had been completely destroyed and replaced by hate.

"I can't. This is a compromise with the family that can't be broken."

"Tell them I'm esterile. That would suffice them; the only purpouse of our union was to grant a male heir, and since I won't be able to ever conceive one, there's no need to keep with this charade."

Rukia had her words perfectly measured. She was never to be pregnant. Not of Byakuya. In five years he had never touched her or allowed her any move of proximity. Not even hand touching; the physical isolation was so rash she felt inside a bubble. They slept in different beds, now in different rooms. The only night they shared a bed was in the wedding night and there was an invisible wall of almost three inches that perfectly well separated one from the other in the futon. Of course she couldn't be pregnant. For Byakuya to touch her would be the most despicable act on Earth. The feeling of rejection was in time substituted with silent acceptance and occasional verbal fights like this. But never had Rukia voiced so clearly her wish to let go.

"Where were you last night?"

Rukia gasped. Her breath got caught in her throat and blood started leaving her head. Byakuya had spatted the words at her like trash. The feeling of uneasiness was clear in her and she felt sick.

"You were gone again, where have you been?"

The contempt was clear in his voice and words that could have meant a parental talk became a clear sign. He knew. She didn't know to what extent but he knew something. Lying was not going to work. And hell, she was so tired right now of feeling like trash she gave it a chance. Maybe she was trying to get something from him, maybe a little emotion, maybe a jealous reaction, something that implied he cared for her, not only for the looks of the charade. Maybe his questioning meant he was jealous already. That idea was soon abandoned in her head. He absolutely despised her.

"Out."

Byakuya got angry. He would not allow such a shallow and impertinent answer.

"Answer me."

"I already told you I was out there, what is it you are not daring to ask, Byakuya-sama?"

It was quick. It was so quick she could not saw him moving, she only felt his hand in her troat. The single touch in five years was of murderous intent. How nice she thought. Nothing to lose, she thought. There was no room for fear.

"Don'.call me like that. again."

Murderous tone. No kidding here, any other person would be already dead.

"Look at me propperly, Byakuya-sama; not even estrangling me are you capable of taking a good look at me. I'm too much like her."

Her voice was daring, disrespectful, but he appreciated a hint of hurt.

"You resemble her in nothing!"

His voice rose, something unusual in him. She was pushing him to the edge.

"Have you ever dragged someone to a situation like this, Byakuya-sama, a situation where anyone would plead for their lives? Well I'm not going to plead for my life, since the worst you can do is not killing me. I'd be grateful if you did though, it would meant release from hell."

Rukia let her words soak him. A release from hell; she'd rather be dead than being with him. It's not as if he had not expected that much of her, after how he had treated her this years. It had been hard to avoid contact, to break their incipient relationship, to keep her as far as possible. Not because he was betraying Hisana's memory by being forced to marry Rukia, but because... because...

He then did look at her straight in the face. Her hair, her nose, her cheeks, her lips, her eyes. So much like Hisana's, but not hers. It had been long since he last tried to look her In Rukia: that was an entirely lost battle. What he had tried so hard to avoid all this years was not looking at Hisana's reflection, but at Rukia herself, because he knew that when he did it, his willpower will crumble. And so that happened. He lost his will to fight; his lips crushed violently against Rukia's, who tried to fight and kick him, punch him, move while he tightened his grip on her neck and now in one of her wrists. All his willpower was lost. The feeling of void in his soul had to be filled with something, and kami-sama knew he had fought to the limit to avoid the temptation, but it was hard, very hard to resist the urge of trying. And he could not forgive himself after that.

"I tried my best to keep you away from me, but you are so different from her it kills me. You are not even a good substitute."

He spat again the words like poison when he released Rukia from his grip and broke the kiss. Her lips were swollen and the mark on her neck and wrist was noticeable. Rukia was left breathless and confused. Angry, missused, betrayed. But her mind was racing; she would not allow him to leave after this. The breaking point was almost here, she only needed to push him a bit more.

"Then why bothering? Why asking me what do I do if you don't care?"

"Because this was never what I wanted for any of us."

His eyes were tired aswell as his voice when he said this last words before leaving the room. Rukia felt her legs give in and sat in the floor, gripping tightly her arms and crying.


	3. Chapter 1

Hello dear readers, Miss ragdoll is back! And she's shameless, given the fact she has a story she ought to finish (meitantei conan cof cof) and she's lost her will to keep up with it. For a lone reason: no motivation whatsoever. I know, it's lame, but back to what matters now: a new fanfiction! woah! and abot the fashoin pairing nowadays! ichiRuki! double woah! ... XD I hope you enjoy this m,ultipairing story, that differently than the other I started to write (cofcof) I have absolutely no idea how to continue. oh, le me just writing when I feel like. I'm such a crazy b*tch baby...

Disclaimer: i don't own bleach, it all belongs to Kubo Tite sensei.

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><p><em>The wheel of destiny, crushing her hopes and throwing her merciless to the deepest pits of desperation. In the darkness of her room she had wished for somebody to fill the lonely nights, erase the pain from her mind, ease the feeling of rejection and worthlessness she felt.<br>She had found arms to keep her feeling, a momentarily distraction from her life. Five years ago everything crumbled at her feet, and she too whished she could have become ashes and be erased by the wind. Five years ago..._

After Aizen's battle and the loss of Ichigo's powers, Rukia thought everything was lost. She daily visited him, kept constant check on his reiatsu and wished for a miracle to happen. Two years after the battle, completely about to give up on her hopes, Ichigo came back from school, entered his room and saw her.

There was no explanation, but his reiatsu, that ought to have forever dissapeared, regenerated and evolved. And he was able to see ghosts again. And shinigamis. And Rukia. These were such happy days... never to last, they say. Not even a month had passed after his reiatsu came back, Soul Society demanded him to decide: become a Shinigami fully or give back his representative badge and keep his powers but without his zanpakuto.

Rukia watched in silence as her world turned upside down once again.

He had proven bigger degree of maturity when accepting the impossible. And she had to keep her face straight and listen to him when saying there was no way they could be together.

They had not even confessed, not even voiced their true feelings for each other, but words never were so uncessary. It was enough to take a look at him to see how much he was suffering. He knew there was no way they could be together anymore. Different worlds, different existences.

He could not go, let his physical body to rot and abandon his family; he was far too responsible for that.

She could not stay, kept her soul inside a gigai for the rest of her life and never age, and never have normal functions as a real human body had.

There was no exit. Dead point. End of the road.

What was left? A bitter goodbye, decorated with false promises to keep in contact. Who with sanity left would want that? She wanted to kept an eye on him, to see if he was regreting his decission, but found out impossible to go back to Karakura soon after her departure. An arranged wedding. With her brother. Her brother-in-law, but her brother nevertheless. Nausea rolled deep in her guts at the thought of marrying someone she didn't love, someone she considered her family, her only family. And the implications of it.

She was alone again.

Nobody could save her.

Renji tried hard, as hard as he could to prevent it. Which meant next to nothing; there was no battle to be fought from the beginning, he couldn't take a fight against such decission. The rest of taichos and fukutaichos with close relationship with Rukia knew too that they couldn't do anything against a private matter of the Kuchiki Clan. And so, the only thing left for her friends and Ukitake taicho was to wish her the best and keep it privately.

Renji offered her the opportunity to run away. Run away. Where to? Whom with? Would she endanger her best friend, the only best friend she kept? She didn't even have the chance to tell Ichigo. Not that she knew how to, not that she could dare to weight the consequences of telling him. She didn't want to think about them; none of the possibilities were good. None of them would ease her pain. And so she had to marry.  
>And soon after that, she found out that not only the love of her life was impossible and had to be married to her brother in an union without love, but also that her childhood best friend had loved her from the beginning, and was offering himself to her, an offer she accepted in a moment of weakness and that she regreted from the beginning.<p>

Really, could things get any worse?

Yes.  
>Yes, they could.<p>

Standing right before her was a 23 years old Ichigo. His hair was a little bit longer but keeping his characteristic disarray, his body was perfectly built in the shape of an adult, and his face had lost the last remains of teenhood he had. But his eyes remained the same. His determined eyes were of that golden honey colour that glowed with happiness. And that look was intended to her.

Five. Fucking. Years.

"Yo."

Ichigo's voice was a bit deeper now, a bit more husky, more man-like. Maybe if was because he had coughed before speaking, or maybe because it had changed. She didn't know; she hadn't been able to listen to him for 5 years. And he fucking said 'yo'. Innocent puppies were going to die.  
>She motioned the four guards of the Special Forces that were scorting him to leave, and they bowed politely before leaving the place.<p>

"Don't 'yo' to me! What the hell... are you doing here?" Harsh and rash. It was the only way. Panic was building inside of her by seconds; What was he doing here? Why was he here? What in the hell was going on?

"Ha? How cold of you midget! I came here 'cos I was summoned, not on pleasure visit." His voice barely cracked at the end. She noticed this slight change and saw him, tearing his eyes away from her. He...

"Summoned? You were the visitor I had to pick up? But I thought you had given up your shinigami title when I... came back." She trailed her words not knowing well what to say next. Sure this was unconfortable. Ichigo scratched the back of his head.

"I did..." An unconfortable silence filled the gap between them, and Ichigo took a look again at Rukia, whom he hadn't seen in ages; she was as pretty as ever, almost nothing had changed in her as he remebered last time they saw each other. Her hair was a bit longer, past her shoulders until her shoulder blades, and fell as an ebony curtain that the wind craddled. Her body remained as small and fragile as he remebered, and her eyes were the same beautiful purple orbs he could get lost in, only now he noticed they looked tired. He shook his head a bit and kept on talking. "... I'm sorry I have not visited you, and I know I promised, but you didn't come too, so I thought it didn't mattered."

Rukia stared eyes wide open at him.

"You gave up on coming because I didn't?"

Ichigo was a bit startled. Her question had taken him by surprise.

"I thought I would be a nuisance. And after I refused to be a shinigami well... I was told it would be innappropiate." His voice was soft and hurt at this last words. Rukia noticed clearly. But what bothered her the most was what he said.

"Who told you such a thing?" Ichigo looked at her as if he had realized he had made a mistake.

"...Byakuya sent a messenger to advise me not to go to Soul Society if not summoned."

Blood left Rukia's face. And arms. And legs; which almost gave in. Ichigo rushed to her.

"Oi! Rukia! Are you OK?"

Nii-sama. Byakuya. He had conspirated against them. Blood boiled in her and returned to her limbs. He was to pay, oh Hell he was. She took a look at Ichigo, her as ever Ichigo. He hadn't changed, he was the same pure spirit she got to know, got to love, had to lose.

"Yes, sorry, I was... tired. Don't worry." He was worrying. As always, he had that look on his eyes. As always... after five years she recognised every one of his features and mood changes, she could see through him, she could see everything except... if he loved her. Rukia stood up and reassured him she was OK now. She breathed deeply and spoke.

"Did they tell you what were you summoned for?"

"Ah, that... no idea. Only that it was important, so Urahara had to open a Senkai gate in record time. Maybe they wanna try to convince me to come back; Ishida's been exterminating too many hollows, I bet he's fucking it again." He said with a mixture of smugness and worry. Rukia was far more worried than him. She knew far more than him about what was going on.  
>Wait. Did she?<p>

"Ichigo..."

"Yes?" He looked at her when hearing the change in her voice.

"Do you know... about what has happened here in this last 5 years?" Terrified. Rukia was absolutely terrified.

"Did I miss out something big?" Suddenly Ichigo was excited. Not wary. Excited.

Rukia felt the need to punch him, and so was she up to, her fist ready to crack his ribs, until a strange thought crossed her mind. Five years... are too many. Not for her, though they had felt like the longest in her life, but for him. There were so many things he might have done. So many things could have changed... she dared not to behave as before leaving.

Ichigo noticed her reluctancy and grabbed her arm. First contact in five years and she was grabbed. It felt too much as with Byakuya she yanked from him. And regretted immediatly.

"Ah, sorry. You see, I'm confused as to how to behave myself with you now."

Rukia stared again at him for the second time in a day. These were her lines.

"No, sorry I behaved like this, I just didn't expect that, it's OK."

They kept on walking in silence to the Central meeting in Seritei until Ichigo decided to ask again.

"So, what have I missed?"

Rukia did her best to get her composure.

"Uh... Hitsugaya taicho and Hinamori fukutaicho are dating." Something light to begin with.

"Oh." He looked unninterested.

"He's taller now, and his bankai is awesome."

"I'd like to see THAT."

She knew he was referring to Hitsugaya being taller. She smiled.

"Rangiku is on her way to get bankai too, and Shuhei is training hard too. All fukutaichos are training to become stronger, Kira is about to get his bankai too, but is reluctant as to how to manage his power. Which remainds me... did you know of 11th division 5th seat, Yumichika Ayasegawa's true power? Everyone was shocked, but he was soon accepted. Zaraki taicho even put him on a fight to check how good he was. Damn, he was so scared to fight his taicho..."

Ichigo was staring at her completely enraptured. And then smiled goofily.

"I missed you."

Her heart skipped a beat. Three fucking words. And she was melting. And about to cry. She composed herself once again and smiled as truefully as she could.

"I missed you too, baka! You lack the initiative to come and see me, what right have you to say you miss me? It's your fault to begin with, I couldn't move so I was expecting you the whole-... "

"You couldn't?" Ichigo stopped and frowned.

She cursed herself. Dammit!

"I mean... I was so busy..."

"HA!" Suddenly he shouted, pointed a finger at her and smiled again. "You've achieved Bankai too!"_ *Rukia sweat drop* _"That's why you couldn't come, because you were training so much... and here years mean next to nothing so you didn't felt like five years without coming, but a lot less, isn't it?"

He finished his_ 'STUUUPID' _discourse she thought, and smiled contempt at her. Really, could he be thinking such a thing?

His smile had a crack. She saw it clearly, like a mask breaking. She knew him that much; he was pretending. Fake. He was figuring something was off and she felt herself sink. How the hell was she going to tell him she was married to Byakuya? She wouldn't let him know by any other person, she would not allow it!

"How's Renji?"

Another bomb. Rukia was reaching her limit of daily stress. And talking about Renji wasn't exactly relaxing; talking about her lover in terms of before anything happened between them wasn't an easy thing to to. She felt a pang of guilt even knowing it was not Ichigo who she was betraying, but her memory of him and her own feelings.

"Ah, he's fine... he's got new tattoos."

"Wow, is there any skin left for tattoing?"

_'You don't make yourself an idea' _Rukia thought, and soon composed herself. This was being led in the wrong direction, she should be the one questioning!

"So, how's everyone doing there?"

"Glad you ask." Ichigo smiled, this time from the heart. "Dad travels a lot now, I dunno why, but I bet Urahara knows something he's hiding to me. Karin has developed a lot more her powers, and she's annoyed as hell for it; she's lucky she gets help from Urahara or by now she'd be crazy. Yuzu is doing well, as always. I envy her."

He made a pause, and suddely his eyes were far, far away. Rukia lowered her gaze as to give him privacy, and after some seconds he kept on.

"Chad travels a lot too, he's gone to look for the rest of his family in a research to know more about the origin of his powers. Ishida is a cocky bastard, as always." He smiled proudly, as if talking about a son. "he beats the hell out of every hollow, he's been nicknamed 'the hollowcist'." Rukia laughed at the poor and lame pun. "Inoue is doing good too. She hardly ever uses Shunshinrika, but always wear her pins near her. They are dating."

"Oh!" Rukia was surprised. "How come?"

"Well, I don't know myself how it happened exactly, but looks like Ishida had feelings for her from long ago, and she accepted him. And look now, once you've seen them together you can't see them as any other thing besides a couple anymore. I swear, they are like tied or something, it's very funny."

"I'm glad for them."

"Yeah."

Conversation stopped swiftly as they reached the gates of Seritei.

"You are about to see people that you haven't seen in five years. Are you nervous?"

"Actually I'm thrilled! Lets get on with it!" Ichigo smiled widely and Rukia couldn't help but smile too. _'Yeah, smile while you can' _she thought. The gates opened and they entered Seritei.


	4. Chapter 2

Here's the second chapter, I hope you like it :D

Disclaimer: I don't own bleach, it all belongs to Kubo Tite sensei.

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><p>Rukia entered Seritei followed closely by a beaming Ichigo. She was amazed of how happy he looked, in complete contrast of how she felt; the whole sky was going to crash on her any moment now. She breathed deep to steady her heart beat; there was no way she could let it pass anymore. The moment they encountered a friend she'd be lost, she needed to talk to him right now. No better moment than the present, she thought. How sad. She decided to tell him calmly and as far from the meeting place as possible, just in case something could happen. She still didn't know what, but being aware of everything was something learnt deep within her; expect the unexpected.<p>

And just as she was to stop and tell him what the hell was going on, the unexpected happened. Well, not the unexpected, but one of the things she would have never wanted to happen at that moment.

"Is that you, Ichigo?"

A flash of red ran to where they were in a similar mood as Ichigo was. And Rukia felt her control slip as she grabbed her zanpakuto wishing she could frost Renji and beat the hell out of him. Speak about hell of a timing.

"Renji!" Ichigo's smile widened and the two men ran to the other and bumped their fists. You could see the happiness of the encounter, and for a small moment Rukia thought it was as if nothing had ever happened, as if they hadn't been separated, and their lives had remained the same. Too much for a wish. She snapped, but in a cold, classy way, _the Kuchiki way_.

"Renji."

A shiver ran down Renji's back. His head started to work properly and slightly turned back to Rukia. Her sight was the only thing he needed to understand the situation and drown in it. He could not greet Ichigo the same as always - always being five years ago - mainly because nothing was the same. And the look at an anxious and pissed off Rukia stated Ichigo knew nothing about what was going on between them. Renji gulped and acted as normal as he could.

"So good to see you again, punk! I thought I'd never get the chance to meet you here, I couldn't believe it when they told me you were summoned!"

"Wait, WHAT? You knew?"

Now Rukia was extremely pissed off and Renji knew he had messed it and tried to calm her down. He hadn't seen her in the last 4 days, and thus he hadn't had the chance to tell her. And honestly, if he had told her Ichigo would be coming and in the end he had refused to accept the summoning, she would have sunk. He thought it had been for the better. Now, calming her was going to be nearly impossible. He approached her and whispered in her ear quickly.

"Hey, please don't you pay it with me, I was just told some days ago, and it wasn't confirmed he was coming, so I couldn't say a thing outside the ring of taichos and fukutaichos... sorry."

Rukia stomped her foot and huffed at Renji, giving him the _'we'll talk later about this' _look. He was terrified. Ichigo was watching them in absolute unknowledge of what was going on. While they were shouting at each other, as always, he took a look at Renji; despite Rukia, that looked about the same as he remebered her, as a raven hair goddess, Renji had changed a bit; his hair was tied lower, near his neck, and he was a bit bulkier than before; but he couldn't see any new tattoes on his chest, shoulder or back, that were visible because he was wearing his uniform without one of the sleeves, as he had been training with his zanpakuto. It looked as if life had kept going on there and nothing had changed since he gave up his shinigami badge. He felt sadness swallowing him again and luckily Renji's voice directed to him snaped him out of his reverie.

"Wow Ichigo but you have grown up so much, you finally look like a man! I'm proud of you."

"You look about the same Renji, but I was told you had got new tattoes...?"

Rukia coughed interrumpting the conversation and stared at Renji, daring him to say something else.

"Well, if you have stopped chatting, there's some matter I have to discuss with Ichigo before getting to the meeting."

Clearly Ichigo didn't get it.

"Aw, c'mon Rukia, it's been so long! Let's have some fun before the meeting. Furthermore, we can go together..."

"I'm no seated official, Ichigo."

Rukia spoke with sadness she couldn't hide. And it was true; ever since she was adopted Byakuya had done everything within his power to avoid her being a seated official. And since the wedding it was completely impossible for her to even go in a mission. She was completely apart from the shinigami life, even though Ukitake taicho has done as far as he could, but the preassure to ensure her safety was first. At least until she had a child. Useless, she tought; maybe she should get pregnant and get over with all this. Again... pregnant of who? Ichigo interrupted her mussings.

"Oh, I thought you had been training all this time. What were you doing then?"

An unconfortable silence set as two pairs of eyes looked dubiously at themselves and then to Ichigo. It was true Rukia had been training in secret with Renji at the cave Urahara and Yoruichi used to train centuries ago. Well, if for secret you mean not telling, though obviously Byakuya knew; there was no way she could hide her reiatsu when training as hard as she was. But if Byakuya knew, he didn't say a thing. It was bad enough to have her prisioner, at least she could train, he must have thought. Yeah, wings for a caged bird. But still. Her only hope was to become strong enough to gain the right to be free, to get a damn seat and show what she was able to. She had to get a grip on something.

Seeing Rukia was losing her grip Renji decided to take the action.

"Ah... Ichigo, do you mind excusing us? There's something I have to discuss with Rukia, you see... it will be just a moment."

Renji send a meaningful look at Rukia. She was at loss, but decided to go on and find what he wanted.

"Uh, OK... do I wait here or do I keep on going to the meet-"

"No!" Renji and Rukia said at the same time. They coughed and then Rukia spoke. "wait up here, we'll be back in a minute."

With that they left an extremely confused Ichigo waiting some yards from where they stopped.

"What the fuck, Renji...?"

"OK, let's settle this; you won't tell him now."

Rukia gapped at him before narrowing her eyes.

"The hell I'm not! If it pisses you off just deal with it!"

"Hey! Don't treat me like that Rukia, I've done nothing to displease you and you know it, don't release your frustrations on me." Renji's voice undercovered his bitterness, a treat he inmediately regreted. Hurting her was the only thing he couldn't do.

Rukia lowered her gaze to the ground.

"Sorry. I was bitching you."

"It's OK, I understand... I'm not selfconscious there. You instead... looks like you were completely ooc there."

Renji looked at Rukia tenderly, knowing there was no way he could ease her anxiety right now. And she was anxious as hell.  
>The more Rukia thought about the situation, the worse it was; a meeting with all the taichos and fuikutaichos, and among them Kuchiki Byakuya taicho, her husband, and Abarai Renji fukutaicho, her lover. This scenario was the worst she could have ever imagined. Not in her worst dreams tension could be so noticeable. Of course there was only one thing worse: that they talked. Alone. She tried to swallow and found out she couldn't. This overpowered her and for the first time in many, many years, she felt forces leaving her.<p>

"He's got to know. But I don't know how to tell him." her voice was a whisper but Renji heard her. He spoke softly.

"Wait after the meeting." She stared at Renji, her purple orbs panicking.

"What? Wouldn't it be dangerous if he was to find it out there? With Byakuya and you in the same place..."

"Nobody's gonna talk about that there, now breathe. You're too stressed to think properly; you're letting your emotions drive yourself and that's dangerous. You can tell him after the meeting. Just think about the other option OK? If he knew before hand..."

"Oh."

Rukia got it clear then. If she told Ichigo now, the meeting would be hell. Renji was right.

"... Thank you, Renji."

"Hey don't worry, I know how much you're suffering."

He smiled easily at her and that made her guilt full rise. She couldn't face him; she was sure Renji knew it would be the end of their relationship if she talked with Ichigo, though she was decided not to speak a word about them. She owed Renji that and more; that would be a secret she'd carry to the tomb.

"You shouldn't be conforting me, Renji..."

Renji put his hand on her shoulder without looking at her and spoke slowly and tenderly trying to ignore the shivers he made on her just by touching her.

"I care about you, that's all that matters to me. Now let's go and guide him to the meeting; I promise I won't let a thing about this slip there. I'd take him out the place before he can listen to a word."

They smiled complicitely and went back to where Ichigo was. Except he wasn't. Rukia started to panic and then they heard him shout.

Squad 11 was the worst place he could have gotten into but at the same time, the only good place in all Seritei: they didn't give a shit about gossiping, so he wouldn't be spoiled there. In fact, he would be far from spoiled, propably they intended to kill him in a combat with Zaraki taicho. Renji and Rukia had to run to take Ichigo out there, promising to let Ichigo fight Ikkaku soon after the meeting. Too much for a promise, Rukia thought.

Ichigo was beaming again.

"Ohhh I'm so eager to see everyone there..." Rukia and Renji shared looks of both preocupation and resignation. It was a matter of time.

They got to the Central meeting, and Rukia dismissed both men, not before grabbing slightly Renji's sleeve and looking at him with pleading eyes. He tried to reassure her with a calmed look. Ichigo noticed, and as soon as they were inside the building, he stopped and faced Renji.

"Yo, what was that about?"

"Uh? What are you talking ab-"

"Cut the crap Renji. Rukia's been acting strange since I met you, now tell me what's going on."

Renji's brains were crashing one against the others. He hadn't made up an excuse, so now he had no time to make up one quickly. But he had to.

"She... doesn't like the idea of you meeting all the taichos without her to back you up. She's afraid they try to bash you... or something like they did last time."

For an improvised excuse, it wasn't that lame, he thought. And it looked like Ichigo was buying it. He sighed.

"I know, she's a bit overprotective with me, and I thank her for it, this is unknown to me. But she should trust you more Renji, at least I do."

Renji narrowed his eyes.

"Don't trust me that much, Ichigo. Remeber my position; I'm no less than Kuchiki taicho's fukutaicho. I owe myself to my honour and place."_ 'And if things go wrong... my ass is what I want to save too. I can't risk myself more than I'm doing right now'_, he thought. It was bad enough to be Rukia's lover, now he had to meet in the same place as her husband and his taicho, and her true love. Things were really, really messed up.

Ichigo nooded in understanding, but smiled nonetheless.

"I still trust you."

Renji sighed in frustration.

"FIne. Let's get over with this."

They entered the place of meeting and found they were late; Taichos and fukutaichos were together in the central meeting presided by Yamamoto Soutaicho. A glare of dissaproval from Yamamoto Soutaicho was directed to Renji, who lowered his head and made a deep bow, while Byakuya made as if he was ignoring Ichigo when he entered.

"Sorry for our late coming, Yamamoto Soutaicho. I appologize deeply."

Yamamoto Genryusai nooded and gestured them to take their places. Renji went besides Byakuya, who shot him a cold glare Renji had to stand, and Ichigo took his place in the center of the meeting.

"Now, we can start the meeting."


	5. Chapter 3

Hello people, happy monday! xD to somehow manage the stress from the beginning of the week, here you have the third chapter, I hope you like it :D

Disclaimer: I don't own bleach, it all belongs to Kubo Tite sensei.

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><p>Rukia was pacing arount the main building of Seritei. She couldn't control her anxiety; should she kept on waiting until the meeting was dismissed and then take Ichigo with her and spit the truth? No... no, if they all went out of the meeting there was a high chance the first one was Byakuya, and then she wouldn't be able to take Ichigo with her. It will be over. Now... she couldn't go away and wait for Renji to take Ichigo to her. That would be ever worse, how would he excuse himself and take Ichigo with him? Byakuya would know. Besides, she lived with him! She hadn't arranged a place for Renji to met her after the meeting. She was completely lost as to what to do.<br>The meeting had started less than one ago but anxiety was eating her; It was then when, being so lost in her train of thought, she didn't notice two figures that came running full speed in her direction, and when she realized she was already knocked down to the ground by the two third seats in 13th division.

"Rukiaaaa I found you!"

"No! I found her!"

"Whaaaat? Wanna fight?"

"Bring it over, midget!"

"What the...?" Rukia rubbed her head and stood from the ground where Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentarou were fighting like two childs for candy. She sighed and separated them putting her hands on each of their fronts."Now... do you mind telling me what's going on?"

"Ah, hai Ruki- I mean... sorry, Kuchiki dono."

Kiyone quickly corrected. Rukia didn't flinch; it was the usual..._ 'I couldn't be a fukutaicho but since the weeding everyone that called me by my first name changed to Kuchiki dono... what an honour.' _she thought bitterly.

"You have to come with us to the 13th division right now! We are in serious trouble!"

"Waa? What kind of trouble? And why me? I'm not even near of the seated positions..."

"But for us it is... as if you were, Kuchiki dono." Sentaro said, his voice grave. She knew he meant it. Still more urgent matters had her fixed here.

"Sorry, but I'm waiting for the meeting to end and until then I cannot go anywhere."

Kotetsu and Sentarou shared a look that, translated into someone knowing them better, meant _'serious troubles made by us. help. don't wanna deceive Ukitake taicho.' _She face-palmed herself. That cannot be happening now. She decided to take a quick look at the division headquearters and keep a check on Renji's and Ichigo's reiatsu all the time to know when to come back shumpo-ing. She looked at them and they sensed she was theirs. They smiled and she sighed again.

"OK, I'm going. And before you squee from delight, what have you done?"

...

...

The situation at the 13th division wasn't extremely complicated but bothersome instead; water was spilled all over the tatami of one of the rooms - luckily not on Ukitake taicho's, she thought - and furniture was dripping from what looked like an intent of extinguishing a fire. She eyed them annoyed while they hid behind a door.

"Now... I can understand that the small fire was lit after a cracker exploded here. I can understand you don't want to tell me how it came here. I can understand you wanted to extinguish that small fire that was burning the tatami. What I'm not capable to understand is HOW THE HELL did you soak the whole place." Rukia pinched the bringe of her nose. Kids, these were kids not adults... and they were third seats... honestly, she was relieved not to be a fukutaicho and have to deal with them more often. Ukitake was a saint.

Kiyone and Sentarou were about to pick another fight to clear whose fault it was that they had thrown 10 buckets of water for a small fire, when Rukia felt it. Reiatsu flaring from the place where the meeting was held. Flare. She turned pale and before she stopped to think whom it belonged to and before Kiyone and Sentarou could ask what was wrong she rushed back to the place.

_'Please, PLEASE don't let me be late!'_

Rukia arrived in record time; if Yoruichi san had been monitoring her, she'd have been surprised of how much her shumpo had improved. But by the time she got to the place, the flare of reiatsu had dissapeared. In fact, all of the taicho's reiatsu had. The only reiatsu she could manage to identify was of some fukutaichos, and one of them was suddenly next to her, gripping her tightly by the shoulders and staring intently at her. It took her some seconds to get a grip, she was only seing Renji's lips move.

"Rukia!"

Her eyes focused on him and finally heard his voice. She nodded as to tell him she was there.

"Listen to me Rukia, and before you do anything, just think about what the consequences."

His voice was cautions and controlled, he was trying hard to stay calm. Rukia wasn't even trying.

"What are you talking about Renji? When has the meeting ended? Where is everyone?"

"All taichos are in their headquarters looking for information related with what has just happened."

"With what has... happened?"

Her voice broke a little at the end of the sentence. She stared at Renji.

"Rukia, they've accused him of treason."

"... What?"

"Ichigo's been accused of treason and association with Soul Society enemies."

Rukia's mind was a whirlwind. That was unexpected. That was surreal. That was the only thing she never thought could happen; a pig flying would have been ranked higher if someone had asked her before the meeting. She tried to steady her voice; going into panic was definitely not going to help.

"Where's he now?"

Renji knew the conversation was being led in the wrong direction; if he couldn't cut her right now she'd be running to him any moment from now. He had to calm her.

"They are interrogating him. But listen, it's not as bad as it looks like, he agreed to go..."

"I don't give a damn about this, he doesn't know how interrogations are in here, I have to go Renji, I can't leave him alone!"

"No, of course you can't. We'll go, but you have to calm down first. You can't burst there like a crazy girl."

Seeing she was not giving a damn about her reputation, he grabbed her rougher by the shoulders and forced her to look at him.

"Listen to me Rukia, we're going, but not now; after the interrogatory they'll either give us permission to visit him or free him. Either way you'll see him."

Rukia wasn't going to wait a single moment for special forces to interrogate him. Not when she knew Byakuya had full access to the interrogations. Renji knew it too and he tried to hide his own anxiety as much as he could. It was clear he couldn't. Guilt was full clear in his eyes as he saw how Rukia was blaming herself.

"I couldn't stop it Rukia, I'm sorry, but none of our affairs are to be out now, it's absolutely no related to the situation. Calm down, fuck!"

Rukia finally gave in and stopped trying to free herself. She looked at Renji, her eyes giving her away.

"Renji, he's not a traitor, they are making up excuses.. they are... this is stupid! What the hell happend inside that room?"

Renji breathed slowly. At least she had stopped pushing him aside.

"I myself don't know how it happened; the meeting started as usual, some reports about the Earth and Karakura Town, and then they started speaking about some strange people that had the ability to extract the soul of objects, and then Ichigo said he knew them."

"He did WHAT?" disbelief was clear in her voice. Renji shared the same look as he kept on speaking.

"And the strange thing was that it didn't disturb Yamamoto Soutaicho as much as it should. Then he said something about how strange it had been that Ichigo had recovered his powers, and then Ichigo said they had helped him. It was when they started with the hard part. Somehow accusations of association with potential enemies were thrown and Ichigo started to defend them and... they took him to interrogatory."

Rukia was in shock. What was she doing here? She ran, shumpoed to the Central Building of Seritei, with Renji cursing his lack of grip on her and trying to follow her shumpo, but she was quicker. She avoided guards and shinigamis pacing in the place and stopped in front of the door that led to the unit where prisioners were interrogated. She could feel it; Byakuya's reiatsu was there. Before she knew what she was doing, she had stormed inside the room. Two pairs of eyes stared at her immediatly. She knew them both. Ichigo made the first attempt to speak, but was suddenly cut by icy words coming from Rukia directed to someone else.

"Ruk-"

"What are you doing Byakuya sama?"

A creepy silence wrapped the room as Renji, that had just arrived after Rukia tried to grab her before she got inside the room. He failed.

"Rukia." Byakuya spat her name with restrained emotion. "I believe I told Renji to keep you ouside."

Rukia turned pale and slowly moved her head towards Renji, who was cursing under his breath. He looked at her completely pained.

"I swear it's not what it looks like Rukia, he -"

"I don't. give. a. damn. Renji." Rukia was truly, utterly angry right now. She'd speak with Renji later, now there was more important matter to deal with. Ichigo was astounished. She thought it was because of the way she had stormed in the room but it turned out he was way more perceptive than she had given him credit for.

"Rukia did you just... call him Byakuya sama?"

Now THAT was bad. That was without doubt the worst thing that could have slipped out of her lips. She had truly gotten herself into a big, big trouble.

Slowly Byakuya turned from Ichigo and walked towards Rukia. She didn't know what to expect. She truly didn't. Therefore, when she saw Byakuya was rising his hand she closed her eyes. And then nothing happened. Well, it did, but she didn't see it. Reiatsu flared again in the room and she opened her eyes to see Ichigo grabbing Byakuya's arm and staring at him murderously. Renji was half body covering her.

"Let go of me, ryoka." Byakuya's voice was cold as ice. It didn't affect Ichigo the slightless.

"Don't you ever rise your hand against her, did you hear me Byakuya? Ever."

Ichigo's voice was dead serious. A constest to see which glare was more lethal would have ended in a tie and both men dead. Rukia stepped from behind Renji, though he tried to avoid it, but she placed her hand in his arm and squeezed him lightly.

"_Nii sama_, I need to speak with you. Alone. Ichigo please, release him."

Her voice was perfectly calm, no hint of restraint or bitterness. Byakuya narrowed his eyes looking at her. Ichigo let go of Byakuya's wrist and looked at her confused. Byakuya moved past Ichigo and stopped next to Rukia, not looking at her.

"Lets go then. Renji, I trust you to stay here and keep an eye to our _guest_. I'll be back soon."

Rukia took a glance at an anxious and confused Ichigo and closed her eyes before turning her back to him and leaving the room soon after Byakuya. Ichigo was about to follow her when Renji, that was more than fed up with the situation grabbed him by the collar and pushed him against the wall. Ichigo was about to pick up the fight but Renji stopped him.

"Now, it's not in my character to behave like this, but I'm following orders and I'm not gonna let ya go outside here, clear? She's trying to save your ass compromising seriously hers, if you wanna acknowledge the great sacrifice she's doing, just keep quiet and listen to me. You must stay here. She knows what she's doing."

Not even Renji was believing half of his own words, but he had to calm down Ichigo.

"Since when do you behave so obliging, Renji?"

Renji tried to ignore the mockery in Ichigo's words, obviously referring to the last time he had to follow orders blindly. He didn'ty like it one bit, but had to do it anyway.

"If I let you go now you'll be compromising her safety and mine, for the matter. Now, tell me what the fuck were you talking about with Byakuya."

...

...

Byakuya entered a room that was empty and after him Rukia closed the door. They were alone.

"I believe you had serious matter to treat with me."

Byakuya's voice was emotionless. Rukia faced him.

"What is Ichigo accused of?"

"If you had wanted to know that I would have let to read the inform just after the interrogatory. Is there any other thing?"

He was mocking her, and she wasn't exactly in mood to let it slip.

"What are _you _accusing him of?"

Byakuya narrowed his eyes.

"I was proposed to conduct the interrogatory by Yamamoto Soutaicho. I have nothing personal against him this time."

"Liar."

Byakuya shot her a death glare. She didn't recoil.

"He told me you sent him a messenger to warn him of the inconvenience of visiting after resigning of his shinigami duties. Just in time for the wedding."

She spat the last sentence like poison to him. It didn't escape unnoticed.

"What are you accusing _me _of, Rukia?"

"You prevented him to come and did what you could to cut our bond. I'm accusing you of isolating me beacuse you knew I loved him."

The situation was tense, the air was so thick it was hard to breathe. She had said it, and doubted it was something unknown to him. And if it was, to hell with it. Byakuya closed his eyes for a moment and then directed his steps to the door. She placed herself before him.

"Tell me why you did it."

"What you just said isn't reason enough?"

"I want to know what were you thinking back then."

Byakuya's expression was unreadable, but a small change in his eyes gave him away.

"I had to prevent another chaos in Seritei; last time that ryoka came here he stormed and stepped over all our principles. Now the whole family pride could have been put in compromise. I would not allow that."

"Are you telling me you feared he would come and start a war because of me...?"

Her own voice was filled with uncertainty. Byakuya took advantage of it and step closer to Rukia.

"I don't know why you doubt it. The moment he had known you were being forced to marry me he would have come here with his principles and try to take you back with him. This time I wasn't going to let him stomp over my pride."

The situation was very unconfortable, with Rukia noticing she was alone in a small room with Byakuya. Thoughts rushed in her head but she couldn't make a coherent sentence with them. Ichigo lacked the power to come and rescue her, what was Byakuya implying? Byakuya spoke again.

"There are things you don't know. He hasn't been honest with you."

She looked at him confused. Byakuya closed the gap separating both and was now very near of Rukia.

"He never told you how he regained his 'powers'; now we're in a complicated position and have to face it regardless you like it or not. He's associated with dangerous people. And during this five years we've been observing their steps until it's become clear what they wanted. Fullbringing is a forbidden technique, and he has to answer for it. I was trying to convince him to led us to the rest of fullbringers."

Rukia was very confused; she didn't know about fullbringers nor could believe that that day five years ago, when Ichigo could suddenly see her again, he hadn't been honest with her. Why hidding it?

"Why hidding it, you ask to yourself?" Byakuya read her like an open book. She looked at him with tortured eyes. "Because he already knew that what he was doing was forbidden. And did it anyway. Want to know what he did? Do you want to know what, in his desperation to recover his shinigami powers, led him to get into a forbidden organization? Would you still love him if I told you what he has done?"

Byakuya cornered Rukia and put his arms on each of her sides. His face was only inches from her, and she could not avoid Byakuya's stare; again, his deep steel grey eyes were staring at her smoothering, and she knew she would be hypnotized if she didn't break eye contact with him, but it was too late, she already felt powerless against him. Byakuya knew it and took advantage of it; he grabbed her roughly by the chin and neared his lips to her ear.

"Your _dear _Ichigo has -"

The door slammed open and Ichigo and Renji came in rushing, just as Byakuya released her and put himself in between Ichigo and her. Ichigo took a quick look at Rukia and saw she wasn't right. He shot a hateful glare at Byakuya, who didn't acknowledge him.

"Get away from her. Now."

"I.. Ichigo, what-"

"Measure your words, kozou. You have no authority whatsoever here."

Both men glared and then Byakuya walked past Rukia and Ichigo, and past Renji who was standing by the door.

"We're leaving, Renji."

"Ha- hai, taicho!"

Renji looked at Rukia's back, and sensed she wasn't right. Something had happened there, something bad. He wanted to stay with her, confort her, love her... but he knew it wasn't his place. It wasn't his duty now. With Ichigo besides her there was no room for him conforting her anymore. Besides, his ass was seriously compromised if he didn't follow his taicho, it won't do any good if he was jailed charged with disobediency. He'd follow Byakuya, listen to his punishment, fullfill it and then go help her in any way he could.

The conversation with Ichigo replayed in his mind while following Byakuya to their headquarters.

_"There was not a single thing I would have refused to do if it meant seeing her again, Renji."_

The door closed behind him and left Ichigo and Rukia alone in the room.


	6. Chapter 4

Hello people, thanx G-d for the weekends! and I've finally finished my exams, so from now on I'm officially on holidays and free, though I'll try to upload content often (ha-ha). here you have the fourth chapter, I hope you like it :D

Disclaimer: I don't own bleach, it all belongs to Kubo Tite sensei.

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><p>Rukia was numb. Her whole body felt wrong, her mind was a hot pot of messy thoughts. He had lied to her. All her thoughts revolved around the same thought: what she had been believing for the past five years was false.<p>

"Rukia."

Ichigo moved to her side and she flinched. He recoiled. The akward situation was killing what could be their only opportunity to speak about what was happening, and any moment from now special forces would take him back to his jail to keep with the interrogatory. Seeing Rukia had no intention to speak, Ichigo took the turn.

"I'm sorry I lied."

Still no answer. He felt utterly devastated.

"I couldn't... tell you, I couldn't tell anybody. They told me about what I had done after I had done it. I had no other option but to follow them."

Words weighted in his shoulders, the guilt plastered in his eyes, his hands balled into tight fists. Rukia lifted her head and looked at him. He saw her distrust and sadness and felt stabbed. She hid her eyes from him.

"You recovered your reiatsu because of fullbring."

"Yeah."

Rukia couldn't look at him. He was desperate to meet her eyes.

"I'll bother later to learn what that is about, I have more important questions for you now."

Ichigo nodded. She kept on.

"After you recovered your reiatsu and could see me...what happened?"

Ichigo turned his head from her, pained, his eyes narrowing a little as he remebered those days. Those bittersweet days.

...

_September, Wednesday evening. Sunset._

_Ichigo couldn't recall what classes had been about that day. He was all more excited after that intensive training the night before. He didn't even bother going home after it to change his sweaty clothes. He had gone to class with the uniform from the day before and he had sensed the change in Tatsuki's eyes. She could feel it, his reiatsu. He felt it was a major progress.  
>Last months had been hell of training: sure Ginjou knew what he was doing, because each time controlling the power from his badge was easier, but something was bothering him. After every training, just when he was getting confortable with his new power, Ginjou called it off for the day and sent him home. That was why today he felt exceptionally tired but happy at the same time. It had been the first time he didn't call it off. He had been training all day and night to get his reiatsu into the old Tensa Zangetsu form, and he had been able to throw a powerful attack that looked like old Getsuga Tenshou. Today was a great day, he thought. He considered going to visit Ishida to the hospital to see how he was doing and speak with Ryuuken about his treatment, but thought better and decided to go home first and have a very necessary shower.<em>

_In the road back home he started to feel strange. The atmosphere was heavy, and the air tasted different. He thought he was way too tired for his body to work properly, and then decided that after the shower he'd go straight to bed. The house would be empty, with Yuzu and Karin in activities from the school - though he doubted Karin was doing any of them - and probably his father was attending urgencies out, as he did every afternoon. Perfect, he thought, nobody will question his sudden change. He would speak with them tomorrow._

_This part was the clearest in his mind. He remebered opening the door with his keys, acknowledging that he was alone at home and feeling relieved. And then a flash of reiatsu stabbed him. He felt dizzy, his head spun and he nearly fell to the floor. What had just happened? A hollow? After almost two years of not being able to sense spirits he was awfully unacostumed to bear with this kind of pressences. If a hollow was near he'd have to look for help; definetely he was not in the best of shapes right now. All this thoughts crossed his mind in a few seconds before it hit him again. The reiatsu. No. Not THE reiatsu. THAT reiatsu. He knew it. His heart began to pound frantically in his chest, he couldn't breath enough air. He knew that reiatsu. Before he knew what he was doing he rushed upstairs, turned right and opened the door of his room._

_September, Wednesday evening. Sunset. And she never looked prettier than in this moment. The sun drew the contours of her silouette creating a fairy tale image. The room was filled with her reiatsu, that crashed him like the smell of wet grass after the rain. The image of Rukia sitting in his bed with her head tilted to the left and looking at the pillow gloomily, and her small hand placed in the bedspread caresing its patterns would never leave his mind.  
>He was breathing heavily, and she jolted her head up and her beautiful, big purple tired eyes found his. She smiled sadly and in a sweet voice said "Okaeri." <em>

_Seconds ticked and he couldn't move. Rukia narrowed her eyes and looked like she was questioning what the hell was wrong with him, standing in the door of his own room. Soon she realized and her expression matched his._

_Ichigo took a step forward, his eyes staring at her in disbelief, his mind shouting it wasn't real, his heart giving him away, telling him to believe what his eyes were seeing, what he had dreamth so many times. It felt so fucking real... He stopped inches from the bed where she was sitting. They hadn't unlocked their gazes in the whole time. She swallowed and in a tiny voice said "can you see me... Ichigo?"  
>It was enough. Enough for his heart, enough for his mind, enough for his body and soul. He reacted by instinct: he landed on his knees and hugged her tightly. And she didn't flinch. Instead she wrapped her thin arms around him and placed her head on his shoulder. And Ichigo felt whole again.<em>

_That night he couldn't sleep. He didn't know when or if his family came back home, and if they did, they didn't come upstairs or in his room. He spent all night speaking with Rukia, staring at her, taking in her presence. And when dawn came, they saw it together and he rested his head on her lap and finally had a peaceful sleep. She never left his side. By midday his stomach woke him up only to see he was laying down in his bed and Rukia was next to him, their faces only inches apart one from the other. He remebered rising his arm carefully and removing some strands of her hair from her face, touching her cheek lightly in the process. He remembered her eyelids fluttering open slowly and her beautiful eyes looking peacefully at him. He remebered that first kiss they shared that day, and how sweet her lips tasted, how soft they were, how natural it felt to have her beside him, laying in his bed, and her hand cupping his cheek as they lightly kissed each other. It felt so right... _

_That evening she told him she had to go back; she should have spent the night at Soul Society and instead she didn't report she had stayed here. By that time they were lucky a squad hadn't been sent to look for her. They smiled. "I'll be back soon." She said. "I know." Ichigo answered. Her smile lit the room and she went away. _

_Soon after her departure Isshin crashed in the room and kicked the hell out of Ichigo for not telling him about his reiatsu. Ichigo slipped the matter as much as he could and told his father to wait until he was ready to tell what was going on. Isshin nodded in understanding and failed his kick of love receiving a punch as reward. Isshin welcomed back his third daughter and Ichigo threw him out of his room when he implied something about a wider bed._

_Days went on after this. He went to highschool and when he came back Rukia was waiting for him in his room. Isshida, Inoue and Chad welcomed Rukia warmly and came to see her some afternoons after knowing of her being here. Ichigo and Rukia spent the afternoons and evenings talking about everything they had in mind, about their days, about the last two years, and what were their plans for the next day. He learnt in surprise she had been visiting him almost everyday since he lost his powers, and found his father and sisters had kept it from him because Rukia never wanted to hurt him or made him feel unconfortable. That day they had an argument, Ichigo telling her he would have wanted to know, that it would had make his miserable days a lot bearable, and Rukia answering him that it would have done no good to know she was there and not feeling her. He remained silent and they let the subject slip; they had better things to spend their time on, and getting on a fight was the last thing he wanted, though Rukia was reluctant as to let it be like this. She wanted him to understand her reasons and finally said she was hurting a lot too, and couldn't bear the thought of disturbing him more than he already was. After that she punched him lightly and they left the subject for the moment. _

_Days were starting to be as before the war and the painful separation, only their relationship had changed; it looked evident at the eyes of everybody except for them. _

_She couldn't get a special permission from Seritei to be in a gigai, and so they had to see each other when he came back from school. Also, she had to spend her nights in Soul Society, although every night she went back later.  
>They spoke about it one night, that she spent almost entirely with him; she told him casually she wished he could be back to be a shinigami and they could be together like before. Ichigo could only nod while inside something twitched unconfortably. How had it been... before? He realized with a cold sweat they had not been together at all if it wasn't for fighting, and that all the times they spent together were nothing like this. And he started to understand something he never wanted to tell her.<em>

_As days went by Ichigo stopped going regularly to the place where the fullbringers were, keeping it a secret from Rukia. He thought he could manage to work it out._

_Until that fateful day. _

_It was weekend and Ichigo had gone to train to recover his reiatsu completely. In the previous visits Ginjou had warned him not to tell a person about what they were doing, and less to shinigamis. They had explained him their technique was forbidden because it could kill humans and transfer their souls to objects or use them as puppets. He had learnt how they were banished from Soul Society and hunted down as enemies because of acts some of them had done. How they passed from being allies to being considered as criminals. They had to hide and avoid using their powers to be caught. That's how they had survived the last years. The more he thought about it in his way back home, the more it felt off for Ichigo, but he had made a pact of silence unknowingly and now he had his powers back. He would worry about that later, now all he could think was to be back home and see Rukia._

_But when he came back Rukia wasn't in his room. Her reiatsu from the day before lingered, but there wasn't any traces of her having spent time there after last night. Ichigo waited all the afternoon and evening, and by night he was possitively nervous. Night past and he couldn't sleep. When dawn broke in a sudden thought crossed his mind: he searched in his closet and found a small note she had left for him. He ran to Urahara's shop and stormed in looking for answers. And answers were waiting for him there._

_He had to lie to high positioned shinigamis about having his powers back, and so did his father and Urahara, who to Ichigo's surprise, seemed to know what Ichigo had been doing but remained quiet. Yoruichi remained silent while Ichigo could see her apologies for not having prevented him in time about this in her eyes everytime he crossed looks with her. Fullbringers dissapeared in time and didn't leave traces of their existence, and so SS was at loss of how he had his reiatsu back and how it had happened. Ukitake taicho supported him together with other taichos to avoid the procedures Kurotsuchi taicho wanted to drive on him to analyze his reiatsu, and Ichigo lied about having any power back. It was settled thanks to Urahara and Tessai help, that he could only use his reiatsu to see and interact with spirits, but not to fight.  
>It was then when, after the questions, came the only one he feared and could not answer immediatly.<em>

"Kurosaki Ichigo san." Yamamoto Soutacho's voice was strong through the big screen that communicated both worlds, "after all considerations, I see myself in need of offering you an opportunity that you have to meditate carefully. I offer you the opportunity of being a Shinigami fully.- If you reject it, I shall see myself in need to revoke all priviledges as shinigami that you had."

_Time stopped. Everyone else around him dissapeared and he could only see Rukia next to him staring at him anxiously and waiting for his answer. He couldn't think._

_"Of course it doesn't have to be now. You can meditate it for as long as you need it, I know how hard it would be for you leaving your family and friends here, but this opportunity I haven't been able to offer to anyone but you in all this years as head of Soul Society. Please, meditate it well, Kurosaki san."_

_That night Rukia stayed with him. She didn't ask him about the proposal, and for that he was grateful. One of the things he loved more about her was her sense of privacy. And at the same time it was killing him not being able to be honest with her._

_He wasn't a shinigami. He had lost his powers that day, after the final getsuga tenshou._

_His new powers weren't those of a shinigami. They were an incomplete borrowing of those of the fullbringers in exchange of something else. Something he still didn't know._

_Definitely they'd find out if they did a research. And he'd be charged with treason and everybody around him knowing or not about what was going on would be suspected of conspiracy; fullbringers, his family and friends... And Rukia._

_He could not accept the proposal. He was going to lose her._

_And as he drowned in his realization a tear ran down his cheek and wetted the pillow he shared with Rukia._

_The next day he acted casually but couldn't fool Rukia. Nevertheless she still didn't press him to tell her what was going on. Her words only fueled more his guilt: "You know I'm here for you. If you ever need me, just tell me; I'll do as much as I can to help you, you know that, right?". He could only nod sheepishly and despise himself for what he was going to do._

_And that was the day he refused the offer._

...

Rukia could not look at him, tears streaming down her face, a sob she could not control slipping from her tightly closed lips.  
>He had lied. He had lied to her. But what hurt the most wasn't this lie, but other thing that stabbed her heart and made her whole body ache; he had not trusted her.<p>

"You could not tell me..."

Neither a question or an affirmation, the sentence left a taste of bitterness that slapped Ichigo. He looked at her, who refused to meet his eyes.

"I would have compromised a lot more people that I myself. I couldn't behave that irresponsabily."

A small giggle scaped from her lips in between small sobs and her tears. Ichigo narrowed his eyes.

"You left me in the unknowledge. You left me..."

"I left you."

Silence enveloped the room and separated them more that they already were. Ichigo couldn't stand it. He moved towards Rukia and placed his hand on her cheek; she flinched at the contact and he turned her head to make her look at him.

"I had no other option."

"Do you want me to understand it, Ichigo?"

Rukia's voice was rash and cruel, and Ichigo knew he deserved it; this and many other punishments she would grant him with. Any of them he'd accept, but not losing her again.

"I want you to be in my possition; I was no shinigami, nor I'm now. My powers, my new powers... are not mine, I rented them, as to say. I owe what I have to them; I couldn't betray them, and I couldn't go with you. For a ton of reasons, but mainly because I had this to hide, and I knew nothing about what I was doing until later on."

"You knew nothing...?"

"Has Byakuya told you what I did to be able to come here as if I were I shinigami, Rukia? What it has taken me to be able to stand a trip through the Senkai gate and have my reiatsu at the average shinigami level?" His words were bitter, a mixture of mockery and hurt that tainted the atmosphere. She stared confused at him. He smiled unamussed, his eyes unfocused and distant.

"I kidnapped, battled and tortured innocent people with big reiatsu. And then I killed them."

Rukia gasped. Her breath got stuck in her throat and she stared at Ichigo bewildered. He smiled, this time wickedly, his features turning dangeorus, his face a mixture of his disappeared inner hollow.

"All of this to become what I'm now. All of this to come back to you."

And Rukia knew it was no lie.


	7. Chapter 5

Hello people, it's been long, hasn't it? did you miss me and my ramblings? I was so into my own things, enjoying my free time after exams... and summer is finally here! Let's hope sensei gives us some summer present (hintRukiahint). Now, with chapter 5, hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I don't own bleach, it all belongs to Kubo Tite sensei.

* * *

><p>That night Rukia couldn't sleep;<br>She remebered Ichigo's stare, testing her, daring her to say something.  
>She remembered the hurried steps of the Second Division guards as they were approaching the room where Ichigo and her were.<br>She remebered the anxiety that consumed her and still did at the knowledge of being separated from Ichigo once more.  
>She remebered his eyes softening at her treatening tears and how he smiled sadly when guards took him away from the room - from her.<p>

The odds... were definitely cruel between the two of them.

After that she had been invited to leave the Second Division headquarters and had to obey, much to her discomfort.  
>The sun had set and the starry sky welcomed her out the building. There she was alone; no Renji, no Byakuya... well, one thing she wouldn't have to worry for the moment; she could have time to think about what to do and say after this.<p>

She decided to pay a visit to Rangiku in search for confort and alcohol. That might work, it frequently did in the past years. In the eyes of whom didn't know her, Rangiku looked flirty and simple, but she was really deep and thoughtful once you knew her.  
>Alcohol definitely helped reversing the roles, she thought: you can behave differently when you are drunk. You won't regret what you say, you can use it as an excuse for being painfully honest. You can even pretend it hasn't happened. That's what she liked of Rangiku and alcohol; with both of them she could be honest and then pretend it didn't happen. She loved that in her biased life.<p>

She reached her place, and when Rangiku saw her she immediately knew something wasn't right; she excused herself from Hitsugaya taicho who didn't press the matter as he had been present during the reunion too, and both girls went in a confortable silence to their place to drink in the outskirts of Seritei.  
>Rangiku had been the only one besides Renji to approach her the day she broke down and confort her; Rangiku knew of loss and decided to take Rukia away and ease her loneliness as much as she could. Rukia could never be grateful enough at her for that.<p>

"I was waiting for you; it took you long to come though."

Rangiku mused as she signaled the barman for the usual drinks for Rukia and her.

"I suppose Renji has filled you with what happened in there."

Rukia nooded slightly as they sat in their usual spot. Rangiku pressed the matter.

"What has happened? You look as hell."

Rukia sighed and stared at the drink. Too much ice; she'd need another one to reach the point of dizziness she was looking for from the beginning.

"I... have spoken with him."

Rangiku looked at Rukia from the corner of her beautiful blue eyes. She then moved the straw in her drink and the ice made a small noise against the glass. She took the straw out of the glass and licked it. Suddenly intense gazing was over her.

"You know, every pair of eyes in the bar are looking at you, Rangiku." Rukia said with which was intended to be a scornful tone. They both laughed lightly.

"Sorry, sorry... I'm not that conscious of my actions over the people." Rangiku took a sip at her drink at the same time Rukia did with hers, and they gasped after.

"I believe... this is stronger than last time, Rangiku. Even with the ice."

"I comanded that while you were lost in your world of regret here." Rangiku said nonchalantly. Rukia nooded in sad acknoledgment.

"I was so happy to see him..."

"Are you not happy now?"

"I don't know what to feel."

Rangiku approached tentatively the straw to her lips but spoke again, this time a bit annoyed covering worry.

"Tell me you're not in an inner debate about what's right and wrong again, because I'll punch you hard, Rukia."

Rukia traced patterns in her glass of cold drink drawing strange forms.

"No, of course that's not it. I'm past that stage."

"Then what is it?"

"He didn't trust me."

"Oh for God's sake!"

Rangiku rose her voiced so much that again all the bar was staring at her. She shepishly sat again and muttered apologies to people around her. Rukia laughed a bit.

"I know Rangiku, in any other conditions I wouldn't be so hurt, but... after 5 years of believing a lie, I found I don't know him."

"Does he know about you?"

Rukia spilled the drink she had just drank and coughed violently. Rangiku's implications were clear.

"That means he doesn't. You are not the one to say who's to blame for not trusting."

"It's not as if I don't want to tell him!"

"Oh, so you will?"

"Of course!"

Rukia broke eye contact with Rangiku and finished the half glass of alcohol she had. She gasped again and felt her vision blurry a bit. Great. Another more and she'd have to ask for help to reach Byakuya's home.

"Then..."

Rangiku started to speak tentatively, but stopped. She put a finger on her chin and made as if she was in deep thought. it was clear she was giving Rukia the upper hand. She sighed.

"I was trying to find the right moment."

"He's in detention right now. For the night they said, at least."

"I know. Tomorrow at dawn I'll go visit him. He'll probably be released by then."

Again a silence between both girls set while the barman served Rukia another drink. Rangiku made a swift move with her hand to indicate she was passing from getting another. Rukia rised an eyebrow.

"I have to take you home today."

Rukia smiled apologetically.

"If I want to wake up early tomorrow I should stop drinking now too."

"Do as you please, I'm not treating you."

Both girls laughed again.

"Are you sure you love him?"

Rukia smiled softly.

"Yes, I do."

Rangiku gave her a disbelieving look.

"Even after five years of not seeing him, are you utterly sure you do love him?"

"I never stopped loving him a single day in these five years."

"Not even for Renji?"

Rangiku stared at her and saw something flicker in Rukia's eyes before she turned to stare at her drink.

"Especially not for Renji."

"Hey that's cold you know; he's a very nice guy."

Rukia hid her eyes from Rangiku.

"I know."

After that Rangiku took a look at the bar and saw that people were starting to leave. It was probably late. She wondered if it was late enought to take Rukia home and avoid the gossiping of the servants at the Kuchiki manor. Though what worried her the most was confronting Byakuya again; seriously, it was impossible to reason with that man.

"You know... I have not the slightless idea about how to approach the matter tomorrow, Rangiku."

Rukia said, too much sadness in her voice. Rangiku stared far away, remebering something. When she spoke her voice was calm and soft.

"Just... be honest. And try not to be consumed by guilt or regrets, or at least try not to be that evident. You're so easy to read, Rukia..."

Rukia smiled in spite of herself. Being a Kuchiki didn't grant you to become an Ice Queen.

"Most probably tomorrow I'd have an epic headache at this rate."

Rangiku looked annoyed at Rukia's poor try to drop the matter. But her voice was soft again, understanding.

"Yeah... don't tell him you drink along with me; he'll be worried as hell. And for your own safety and of those around you, don't cry."

Rukia stared at Rangiku with a confused look. Rangiku answered nonchalatly again.

"He will go on berserk mode to kill everyone that has hurt you."

Rukia hid her tortured look and drank quickly from her drink. Rangiku could tell she was torn.

...

The way back home wasn't as difficult as Rukia had thought; drink hadn't kicked her that much and she was able to walk alongside with Rangiku, only it took her some effort to walk in straight line and stop giggling all the time. Rangiku left her in the door of the Kuchiki manor, and made sure Byakuya's reiatsu was low; that would mean he was asleep. Rukia bowed deeply at Rangiku and got inside. She didn't remeber how she got in her bed without stumbling with furniture, but once she made it, it kicked her again. Tomorrow. Ichigo. Byakuya. And she couldn't close her eyes in all night. Nor did Byakuya.

...

By dawn Rukia was ready to leave her room and excuse herself from the service for not having breakfast with her husband, but it looked like for Kuchiki Byakuya getting up too early was never too early; he was already waiting for her at the door that led to the gardens. Rukia didn't stop; she had assumed he could be there, she had tracked his reiatsu and he was not bothering hiding it: he wanted to make sure she knew he was waiting for her. He was there to intimidate her. Too bad she wasn't easily intimidated. She only had to avoid getting caught in a stare contest; she knew if looked at him directly in his eyes she'd be lost, and she hated knowing the power he had over her at those moments. The forceful kiss from last time played in her head like a broken tune, distorting her senses.  
>Rukia made a move of go past him and he blocked her.<p>

"Not talkative this morning, Byakuya sama?"

"Don't force me to take you inside."

"As if you could."

She saw his eyes narrow in a dangeorus fashion.

"Don't make me repeat myself. Go inside now."

"No."

Rukia faced him. A warning from Byakuya's eyes was met with the daring look in Rukia's. She quickly tore her eyes from his when she felt them boring into her.

"Go on and try, but it's your reputation at the stake. You can either pretend you control your wife and allow her to go on a walk, or either show you have to use force on her and still she won't submit to you. Which one is it, Byakuya sama?"

Byakuya was glaring at her with the most hateful look in his eyes. Behind them Rukia was sure Byakuya had also noticed the reiatsu of people observing them from the inside of the manor. She could have sworn she saw a tick in his left eye but he soon put his ice mask and walked past her, directed to the inside.

"Come back by lunch time. If not, I shall definitely use something worse than force on you, Rukia."

Threatening her, Rukia knew he could. She didn't want to know to what extents of cruelty he could go. She wouldn't push her luck nore than this for now. She bowed at him as part of the last remains of respect that you ought to someone that has been you sustainer and brother for more than 50 years, and ran away without looking back.  
>Byakuya's heart twitched painfully for half a second in his chest.<p>

Second Division barracs were not far away from 8th Division's, and so as she went past them in the hurry she was, she didn't notice Ukitake taicho looking worriedly at her next to Kyōraku while they were playing shogi.

"Should I go and stop her, Shunsui?"

Kyōraku lifted slightly his hat with his thumb and looked at the hurriedly figure of Rukia Kuchiki running towards Scond Division headquarters. He then looked at his friend. Ukitake's voice hinted the worry his friend too well knew he wanted to hide. He knew how much he cared for Rukia, as if he was a father, but also how much he wanted to avoid that association for fear of what might happen; ever since Kaien's death, Ukitake had wanted to be friendly with his subordinates but wary just in case. Just in case he wasn't able to protect them, to see them die again. He put distance with Rukia unwillingly, knowing how much her pain affected him. Kyōraku moved his piece and sighed.

"Let her go, Jūshirō. She has to learn from this life that what you want takes sometimes more than what you were willing to give in exchange."

...

"Special permission? You have to be kidding me. Do you know who I am?"

Guards of the Special Forces bloqued the entrance to the prision cells at Second Division. Apparently they have been told to stop anybody besides people authorized by Yamamoto Soutaicho.  
>Rukia hated to be forced to use her family priviledges to obtain something, but right now she was in a hurry and it looked like the only way to get to Ichigo.<p>

"It's OK, let her pass."

Soi Fong taicho's voice made the Guards retreat immediately. Rukia bowed at her politely.

"Soi Fong taicho, I-"

"Why are you here, Kuchiki _dono_?"

Soi Fong wasn't specially empathic towards people, only one person got her absolute respect and worship besides Yamamoto Soutaicho, and that was Shihouin Yoruichi. Rukia let it pass as always, knowing before handed that Soi Fong didn't know how to be more respectful towards the others' feelings from the begining.

"I came to see Kurosaki Ichigo."

"He's not allowed to have visits here."

Dammit.

"Has he been interrogated already?"

"We are in the process. He denied talking since yesterday evening, and we're not here to fulfill any prisioner requirements, quite the oposite, actually."

Soi Fong was absolutely annoyed with the matter. It occured to Rukia maybe she should organize her a date with Byakuya just to see if they were so alike and piss off Byakuya in the process. Again, she thought, it's not as if Soi Fong liked girls... Yoruichi was the exception, right? Then she went back from her reverie at what Soi Fong had said.

"Requirements?"

Soi Fong eyed her annoyed. Then she huffed.

"He said he would only speak if we granted him with _YOUR _presence, Kuchiki _dono_."

Rukia smiled. It disliked Soi Fong to extremes, but it was clear that besides force, she was the perfect weapon to be used. And she would gladly accept; that would surely mean the two things she was looking for; time alone with him, and answers.

"Let me do it."

"Excuse me?"

Rukia bowed to Soi Fong deeply and spoke in the most respectful tone she could.

"Allow me to be at your service and help you with your duties Soi Fong taicho!"

Soi Fong was taken a bit backwards at her sudden way with words, but quickly huffed again and nodded. _'What else could be done, if not this?' _She thought. Yamamoto Soutaicho had forbidden force in the interrogatory, therefore she'd have to let the upper hand to this girl.  
>Rukia smiled satisfied.<p>

The passage that led to the cell where Ichigo was kept was narrow and dark in places; Soi Fong led the way and Rukia followed her keeping the respectful distance with her. She could feel it; every step she walked she could feel Ichigo's reiatsu growing more and more, until she knew which door Soi Fong would open.  
>Soi Fong stopped at the door 1015 of the 6th underground and made a seal with her hands to open it. By that time Ichigo's reiatsu was flaring. Soi Fong went in first, and commanded Rukia to wait by the door. She heard Ichigo chuckle at her.<p>

"Would you speak now, Kurosaki ichigo?"

"You bet."

His voice was happy, almost amused. Rukia knew she shouldn't be happy after what happened yesterday, but Ichigo's happiness had always been contagious to her. If he was happy, then she...

"Come in, Kuchiki dono."

Rukia walked in the cell and saw Ichigo waking up from his bed. He smiled widely at her. Rukia had to made strong efforts not to answer him with the same smile. Soi Fong coughed.

"Are you gonna stay here too, Soi Fong _taicho_?"

Ichigo's voice had an edge of dare that Rukia thought Soi Fong would not allow under no circumstances. Surprisingly, Soi Fong turned slightly red and walked past them.

"I'll be back in an hour. You better take something from him, Kuchiki dono."

And she slammed the door shut. Rukia was astounished. Ichigo started to laugh as a maniacal.

"What the hell was that for? What has happened?"

Ichigo gripped his tummy as if he was going to be cut in a half from laughter. After some seconds of laughter, he finally calmed.

"Ah... I told her... I kinda liked her when she was angry. And since then she's not been able to stay in the same room as me."

Rukia glared amazed at Ichigo. Ichigo, _her Ichigo _using sex appeal against women?

"I would have never expected that from you."

"Yeah, looks like I'm a box of surprises."

He smiled crookedly at Rukia, and she felt herself blush.

"I'm glad you came. I wasn't sure how much it would take them to finally grant my request."

"They didn't."

Ichigo stopped smiling. He looked confused.

"Ha?"

"I came here on free will. It was Soi Fong taicho who told me about you being unreasonable when I was already here."

It was Ichigo's time to be speechless. He ran his hand through his hair and tangled it a bit more.

"I thought... after yesterday you wouldn't want to come again. That's why I told them I wouldn't speak if you didn't come."

"Blackmail?"

"You were the bait."

They started to laugh again, this time Rukia couldn't help herself; it was stupid, hillarious, completely nonsense. How could he think she wouldn't com-  
><em>"I kidnapped, battled and tortured innocent people with big reiatsu. And then I killed them."<em>

Rukia stopped laughing abruptly. Ichigo noticed immediately her change of reiatsu. The mood became dark again.

"So. You came for more?"

Ichigo's voice was amused, a hint of daring and at the same time, complete disbelief. Rukia turned her head from him.

"Yesterday was... I need to know what you did."

"For you?"

The question was twisted. He could mean what he did for her sake, or if she had come following someone's orders.

"I came here for myself. In fact, I had to expose myself to the wrath of B- Nii sama."

She cursed herself again. So damn near. She hoped Ichigo didn't seem to notice this time. He smiled again, this time mischief was clear in his features.

"How about you speaking this time,_ Kuchiki dono_? I've heard some changes had happened while I was exiled."

Breath got caught in Rukia's throat and she felt herself choke. She stared at him paniking, and he held her look.

"W-what do you want to know?"

Ichigo smiled wider.

"What you are hiding."


	8. Chapter 6

Hello people, here I'm again, this time with chapter 6! things are gonna get messy after this... but not as messy as they are in the manga right now (srly, sensei wtf?). Well, hope you like it and enjoy ;)

Disclaimer: I don't own bleach, it all belongs to Kubo Tite sensei.

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><p>The air was so thick it could be cut with a knife. And the silence was unconfortable, but definitely not as unconfortable as the truth, Rukia thought. Her voice came out ragged with guilt.<p>

"Yes."

Ichigo stopped smiling.

"I'm hiding something from you."

Suddenly it was Ichigo's turn to feel unconfortable. He had felt and seen her distress and disconfort grow so much it made him feel extremely guilty for the way he behaved, and as if switching from one personality to another, his _human _side kicked him and showed before Rukia.

"I don't have the right to ask, you know. It's not as I you owed me a thing."

His words betrayed a hint of bitterness, but Rukia noticed his change of behaviour aswell as in his eyes. There was the Ichigo she knew, hidden past a lot of suffering and bitterness. She hated her guts. It was true that, after how ambiguous things were left between them, she owed him no explanation about her love life, but she still had that feeling of not being honest about an important matter.

"No; I owe you the truth. Up until now I've been thinking about how to tell you, and most importantly when. I suppose it's about time to release it, blurt it out and feel relieved from it. Whatever happens."

"You make it sound as if it was any more awful than what I did."

Ichigo was clearly amused again. Rukia took a moment to absorb just how much he had changed, and why. It was clear it wasn't in his nature, but rather than that he had forced himself to act differently for the sake of his objectives. She was sad at the thought of what he had had to sacrifice to become what he was now.

"I have a last question first. If you don't mind."

Ichigo nodded.

"When."

"When?"

"When did you sold your soul to become what you are now; before or after you rejected the offer from Yamamoto Soutaicho?"

Another silence.

"What a way to waste your last question. If it had been me, I'd have rather asked you how many you did kill."

Rukia looked at him and her eyes showed him an emotion that made him feel sick; pity.

"One is enough to change my views on you. After that first, it doesn't matter if it's two, ten, or one hundred. I'd still think the same."

"You think of me as scum."

"No."

Ichigo stared at Rukia. She was honest. He got angry.

"Then what is it that you think of me, Rukia?"

"I think you're walking blindfolded for a dark path. Not you yourself seems to have stopped to weight and drown in the consequences of what you've done. You rather blind yourself than see the darkness you have chosen to walk in."

Ichigo got up from the bed, threw the pillow angrily against the wall and then punched it, his knuckles turning red. Rukia stared at him.

"How the hell is it that I don't see you angry or blaming me?"

His voice was raw with desperation.

"I'm not here to judge you, or blame or punish you; you carry enough guilt for your actions. I'm not angry, it's more like I feel... deceived. Deceived you had to do that, deceived you thought it was worth the pain it would cost you, and the remorse. Deceived you thought you were alone and on your own. That you didn't trust me to be able to help you out."

"You think you could have saved me?"

Disbelief and mockery were clear in his voice.

"I don't know, I don't think that high of me Ichigo. But I wish I knew what I did wrong for you to think you couldn't trust me, I wish I knew what made you think you were alone even thought you had me always by your side. Maybe I wasn't that reliable after _leaving _you for two years, wasn't I?"

Ichigo noted her bitterness at the reference of him not having trust her to had visited him in that period when he lacked shinigami powers after defeating Aizen. And got angry at his incapacity to make her understand he didn't want to put her in danger.

"What the hell is bringing that out now for?"

His voice showed his irritation and frustration growing.

"I trusted you to be alright on your own, able to take care of yourself as you had done all these years before we met... I never thought you'd be faced again with people wanting to take advantage from you. We left you alone again, Ichigo, to fight battles that weren't yours. I'm sorry."

Ichigo snapped.

"What a load of crap! I don't need your condescending talks! it wasn't your fault what I did! I wanted to, I needed to! I did it because of my own selfishness, to see you! Because you weren't coming, because I thought you... didn't want me if I wasn't like _you_."

Rukia looked at him confused.

"Like me?"

"_Shinigami_."

She felt all the weight this word had for him, how he had fought for what it meant. For what it meant for him.

"... it was never that way. That was the last thing it would have mattered to me."

"Then why? Why did you not come only once? Why didn't I know from you in five years? How could you abandon me like that?"

Rukia looked at him; he was a mess, like she had been not long ago. And in looking at him she thought she had no right to become a mess; he was already suffering this much. She had to accept it and tell him as calm as possible. After all, it was not as if it wasn't reversible. Everything could be undone except for death. She found in that her resolve and looked at Ichigo.

"I was forced to stay here."

Ichigo was going to speak, but her eyes made him shut up.

"I'm married."

Ichigo's eyes widened. She could see the utter disbelief in them. His mouth was slightly opened. And the worst hadn't been already said.

"To Byakuya."

OK. there, she had said it. Ichigo's features didn't change, he looked like a wax figure, she wasn't sure if he was breathing. After one or two seconds that were eternal, he opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it. He opened it again but no sound came from it. Rukia was much calmer than she thought she would be. Maybe it was because after seeing Ichigo's state she couldn't bring herself to end in the same behaviour. One of them had to stay calm. She would carry both weights. Finally Ichigo shocked his head and smiled unamused, his voice dangerous.

"You have to be fuckin' kidding me."

His eyes were smoldering. Hers were pleading. And then his smile became crooked and then a grimace of disgust.

"Tell me it's a lie."

Rukia just hid her eyes. Ichigo rushed to her and pushed her against the wall, forcing her to look at him.

"Tell me it's a fucking lie!"

But her eyes betrayed no hint of doubt.

Ichigo released her. He was in shock. Slowly he retreated to the bed and let himself fall to sit there. Pieces were connecting in his head, now it made sense.

"You couldn't come. You were forced to stay here. They forced you."

Rukia wanted to contradict him, tell him it wasn't that bad, that she hadn't been mistreated, whatever to ease his anxiety, but the more she tried the more her own anxiety grew. She had to saty calm, calm for both of them or else...

"How?"

"E-excuse me?"

"How did it happen?"

Rukia didn't like one bit where this was lead.

"It was an arranged marriage. The elders of the clan arranged it between us."

Ichigo looked distressed.

"How could him! Aren't you his sister?"

"Technically... but in their eyes I'm his sister-in-law. There was no inces-"

"Stop it."

Ichigo woke from the bed. He started to pace across the room. It looked as if he was trying to decide what to do or say first. He stopped and started to speak without looking at Rukia.

"I... do you... do you love, I mean, you don't love him, do you?"

"No, I don't."

Less than a second. It took her less than a second to answer that question as truthfully as she could. And still, in that less of a second she had had that gut stabbing feeling she always had when thinking about not being loved in return for whatever love that could have blossomed between them. She hated herself for that first year when she actually hoped Byakuya could love her and ease her messed heart.

Ichigo didn't look relieved. His next question came shuttered, he still couldn't look at her.

"Has he ever t-touched you?"

Rukia stared at him. So that was it; he was sick worried of Byakuya forcing her. For a moment she thought if the kiss was considered forceful; it was definitely, for she wasn't expecting it nor wanting it, but she wasn't going to fuel the fire anymore than it already was.

"No, of course not."  
><em>'you don't make yourself an idea of how disgusting I am for him.'<em>

Ichigo looked at her relieved. His features changed, though, in matter of seconds.

"Good. Good, because if he ever lays a finger on you I'll kill that bastard."

His voice was rash and full of murderous intent. She knew it wasn't a way to speak; he was serious. She wanted to defend Byakuya but found the moment wasn't good.

"When did it happen?"

"Soon after you refused the offer."

Ichigo looked as if he had connected yet another piece in his head.

"Byakuya's letter..."

"I just discovered about it."

"He avoided you to come and warned me not to go. He did an awesome, fucking perfect job."

Rukia didn't know what to say. After bleeding out the truth she didn't feel better; she felt Ichigo further from her than ever. She didn't know him. He wasn't the same man she had to leave five years ago. If he had changed, who did she love?  
>And as all this doubts attacked her, that damn question about loving Byakuya was bothering her more than it should. For God's sake, she wasn't a desperate teenager in search for a white knight, she couldn't still be that helpless when to love matter was referred, could she? What the hell was wrong with her heart, that looked as if it was desperately trying to find whoevers' warmth to calm it down?<p>

And then she looked at Ichigo, his back to her, his hands pressed against the wall and his head lowered to the ground in surrender, and her heart squeezed painfully. No, not anybody. Him, and only him. He was the one she had spent the last 5 years of her life wanting to see, the one she had known was her best friend and something more from the past seven years... No matter how much he had changed, she knew she loved him. She knew her Ichigo was there.

And at the impass they were, with the silence crashing down on them, Rukia's body moved following her deepest instincts, her deepest and most private thoughts. She hugged Ichigo's back and pressed her head against him. He stiffened for a moment, then turned around, and without facing her hugged her tightly, buring his head in her neck.

They stood like this for a while, Rukia relaxing her body against Ichigo's, and Ichigo taking in her presence, smelling her hair. And just when Rukia was about to disentangle from Ichigo because her arms were getting unconfortable from being risen for long - height was always a problem - Ichigo gave her the strangest look; his eyes were soft, pained, his lips tightly pressed and his slight smile was sad, and she recognized that characteristic frown he always had when he was concerned: the same expression he had when they parted. And Rukia thought it was a goodbye. Like thousands of small neddles piercing her body she jerked, tried to break contact with him, to escape the burning feeling that was hurting her in every spot of her body he was touching, to avoid the afterwards burns.

But Ichigo wouldn't release her, he looked bothered and confused at her poor try to escape from him; she wasn't really putting too much effort to break free. Finally he grew tired of she pushing him and hugged her tightly, her arms pinned to her body. When he spoke his voice sounded a bit annoyed, husky. And Rukia shivered.

"I'm not gonna let you go. Not again. No matter what."

And their lips were on fire.

When he kissed her, roughly, Rukia felt as if she was loosing her mind, her self control slipping with the feeling of his lips against hers, so different from the first and last kiss they had shared, the feeling of his tonge unknown to her until now. Be damned then, to hell with it all. She needed, wanted to kiss him, it was the clearest desire she'd ever felt for him. Up until now, things with Ichigo had just come at the moment, natural, like breathing; the kiss in his room soon after they met again wasn't planned, it just happened in the spur of the moment, so innocent as his heart was, and that warmed her soul so injured from loss.  
>And all this time she had made love to Renji, all this time she had wanted Byakuya to touch her, what she really wanted was for Ichigo to hold her. She had never thought so clearly how much she wanted Ichigo's hands on her, his lips crushing hers. All this time she had wanted to see Ichigo again and had not dared to imagine any further than that, as if a mean to protect herself, never wandering on the possibility of being touched by him again, resigning herself only with the thought of being able to know he was alright. Now it all stalled in her. She wanted, needed this man, no other could fill the hole in her heart.<p>

Ichigo's feelings were so fucked up, but his heart wasn't a mess; he knew what he felt for Rukia, but with her body tangled around him with desire he could not think. There was no aftermath, the only thing that mattered was the moment; he had lived the last five years like that. No moment like the present, everything could be taken away from you the following moment, it was a matter of survival. And he claimed her.

She answered his kiss and soon they were pinned down on the bed, Ichigo's hands running up and down her body, and catching fire on every spot he touched. And her hands began to move from his hair, where her fingers had been tangled, to the sides of his face, touching the corners of his lips while they were kissing, to his scalp, neck, shoulders, back. They moaned, it was raw desire, and it was getting further with every second. It was going so quick that when he stopped abruptly kissing her she panted. Disoriented, Rukia looked at him in complete confusion.

"Someone's coming."

"Fuck."

He stared at her amazed.

"Since when do you speak like this?"

She ignored his reproach for her newly acquired vocabulary and when Ichigo tried to get up from the bed she grabbed him and pinned him down, getting up him.

"Rukia! they'll catch -"

"Like hell I care."

"Could be your _husband_, y'know."

That completely froze her. Rukia hid her eyes from Ichigo and he noticed and regretted it immediatly.

"It's true. I have to save the appearances, haven't I?"

Bitter. Ichigo grabbed her forcefully and pinned her again below him on the bed, his eyes burning.

"I don't give a shit whom you are married to and why, but for now we can't."

The intensity of his voice snapped Rukia from her trance. He stroke her cheeck and she nooded slightly.

They got up from the bed and fixed their clothes while Rukia took notice too of the reiatsu getting near. Ichigo had been the first to sense it, were his powers that developed by now? She realized they hadn't talked at all about him, and even though she had lots of questions she wanted to ask him, she was more that content. Soi Fong was going to kill her.

The door opened and Soi Fong appeared, an eyebrown arched at the two of them, sat at a formal distance one from the other and in what looked like a normal stance. She didn't buy it.

"Kuchiki dono, I'm afraid you have to go."

"Is my time to help you interrogating him over, Soi Fong taicho?"

"Not yet, but I've received orders of taking you out of here as late as now."

Rukia furrowed.

"Who says?"

Ichigo stared at her._ 'What the hell...?'_

"Kuchiki taicho."

_'I knew it. Goddammit, I knew it.'_

Frustration was so clearly drawn in her face Ichigo could read that sentence just by looking at her. And Rukia could easily read the murderous intent growing in Ichigo and his anger towards Byakuya. She knew if she didn't got out here quick he would come for her and it would be hell of worse. Rukia breathed deeply, got up from the chair and without sparing a look at Ichigo addressed to Soi Fong.

"I understand. Please allow me a moment to finish my conversation with Ichigo and I'll follow you, Soi Fong taicho."

Soi Fong nodded and got out of the room. It was the closest to privacy they would get, but they could be perfectly heard from the place next to the door where Soi Fong was. No slipping secrets away then, Rukia thought.

"I have to go."

Ichigo nooded.

"When will I see you again?"

"I don't know; maybe if you tell them what they want to hear they free you today. Then you can come to 13th division and look for me."

"And if I don't spill the beans?"

Rukia looked at ichigo pleadingly.

"Don't play with them. You are in our territory now, I beg you to be careful."

He smiled.

"I understand, I will try my hardest to be free by this afternoon. Don't make plans."

_'As if I could make any.' _Rukia thought. She smiled sadly at him in answer and his smile dissapeared. It was going to be painful, going out of this room now. Ichigo got up from the chair and got her by the wrist.

"If he dares to hurt you, I swear I'll kill him."

Rukia tried to hide her distress at the sudden confession of Ichigo, and placed her hand on his cheek.

"Don't worry for me."

The look they shared was interrupted by Soi Fong's reiatsu rising as an indication of the time running out. Ichigo freed her reluctantly and she nooded.

"See you soon."

Ichigo made a grimace.

"Hey don't say that, it brings back bad memories."

"This time, if I don't come it's your turn to come look for me."

And with that Rukia turned away from him and got out of the room.


	9. Chapter 7

Hello dear readers! Woah, I'm back, took me long ^^U Sorry if some of you find this story confussing, I should have made a proper synopsis of the story. Guess now it's too late (is it? well, I'll say it's a multipairing I still dunno how it's gonna end, and that it mostly followed Bleach's story at the beginning of the Lost Agent' arc, but that it doesn't - it cannot - follow the sotry at this point, so for now I'll center on the hypothetical outcome of what it would have been... and the love stuff XD I love chaos).  
>After this, here's chapter 7, now with ByaRuki goodies XDDDDD Enjoy (if possible).<p>

WARNING: if for some reason you cannot conceive ByaRuki (or any other pairing besides IchiRuki) and god knows why, you read this story anyway ignoring the _prologue 2_ (XD) here's more of what I gave you at that moment. I just warn you XD

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><p>An eerie silence filled the Kuchiki manor, so lively at that time of the day. It was almost midday, and no noise could be heard except for Rukia's stomach protesting for her early escape this morning. Even Ichigo had had breakfast; definitely she had rushed a lot more than necessary. But if the outcome would have changed, she wouldn't have trade breakfast for that kiss, definitely.<p>

As she paced quickly for the corridor next to the gardens she wondered again where the hell was all the service. Sure today was not their free day, or else they wouldn't have been here in the morning. What then? She stopped and tried to locate Byakuya's reiatsu.

"No need; I've already tracked you."

She flinched. Byakuya was behind her, now his reiatsu at full level. She tried to supress the jitters she got from the sudden pressence behind her and turned around to face him.

"Hidding your reiatsu from me? What for, Byakuya sama?"

Rukia had expected his beautiful dangerous grey eyes narrowing, expected his hateful glare, expected his monotone voice reminding her not to ever call him that again.

"I never meant to scare you, I was merely not wasting it away. When I saw you trying to locate me I let it slip away."

But what she had definitely not expected was for him to drop the matter.

She gaped at him. He walked past her swiftly.

"Would you mind joining me for a tea, Rukia? I'm pretty sure you skipped breakfast this morning."

For a brief moment she felt a warm feeling, she felt home. She felt transported to those days where he was her nii sama and they shared nice words and moments. And her heart hurt so much she involuntariely cringed at it. He stopped some feet away from her and Rukia started to walk in his direction. They resumed their steps to the dinning hall. It was empty too.

"Ano... Nii sama, why is the manor empty?"

Byakuya looked at her with the strangest emotion and quickly changed it to a neutral look.

"I simply told them I had a private matter to discuss with my wife and I wanted intimacy. They were all dismissed for the day, but by the evening they will be back. Is it bothering you?"

He rose his eyebrow. Rukia was astounished. What... who was this man and where was Byakuya? He was acting so much strange, he was... nice, and warm... he could only be someone else in disguise. She narrowed her eyes. No, she had seen this display of charm before...

Byakuya motioned Rukia to follow him sitting at the table, took the teapot and gestured Rukia to give him her cup to serve her the tea. Rukia obediently passed the cup and took it back from him, her fingers burning from the hot tea, but her mind drifting far away to realize it, at a time far away from today.

_They were eating together. She had been eating hardly nothing for the past days due to her preocupation over Ichigo never recovering his powers again and her inhability to help him after two years. But he finally had. It was the day after she had found out, at his room, and she had spent the night there. She had gone back home and by the time she had arrived it was night. Rukia thought Byakuya would be very angry, but he was waiting for her. When she saw the dinner she realized how hungry she was, and also that she should speak to her brother. But the feeling was akward and they started to eat in silence. As she was nervously eating, she would shot quick glances at Byakuya, who was sitting before her and eating in silence. At one of those furtive glances she shot him she realized Byakuya was staring at her too. And at the scare of being caught staring at him she choked with the rice and started to hit her chest with her fist. Finally she was able to swallow despite thinking she was going to die from the rice ball in her throat. When she finally rose her eyes, wet from the feeling of choking, to look ashamed at Byakuya, he was hiding his face from her. 'Wondeful, I got him sick with my nasty display', she thought. And then he explode in laughter. A big, sound laughter that filled the room. And Rukia couldn't belive it. Byakuya was laughing out loud and it was insane. The laughter died little by little, and finally he looked at her, his eyes soft._

_"Are you OK?"_

_Rukia stared at him._

_"I know the ryoka has his powers back. I would have known only with seeing your change though. I'm glad you're back too." _

_And he smiled. It warmed her heart so much she rose from the table and hugged him, not stopping to think of the akwarness of it._

_"Thank you."_

_And Byakuya answered lightly her hug._

So lost was Rukia in her sweet dear memories she didn't realize she had her cup in her hand, stopped midair, and that she must have been making a strange face, because when she realized, Byakuya was staring at her with a _'worried?'_ frown. For a brief moment Rukia wondered if he had asked her something, like back at these days when she zoned out and was easily distracted by her own musings. But he hadn't.

"You are crying."

Rukia gasped. She rose her free hand and touched her cheek; she hadn't realized. How?

"I'm sorry, Nii sama."

"Now I'm your _Nii sama_?"

Rukia stared at him confused. She had her guard low, she hadn't realized her change in addressing to him. Could it be... bothering him?

"It's curious that when you seem to have strong feelings of likeness you call me 'Nii sama' and when you want to _despise _me you address me by my first name. I'd rather you did the opposite, Rukia. It would hurt less."

Now Rukia was shocked. Before this she wasn't sure what kind of face she might have been displaying, to the point she didn't realize she was crying. Now her own face felt porcelain doll-like; cold, inmobile. Petrified. What had he said? Had he said he would rather her to address him by his first name when she was... happy? Did he say it would hurt- did he say it was hurting him?

"...Am I hurting you?"

The question barely left her lips, her voice a whisper of disbelief and concern, but her eyes wanted to believe him, so she scanned his face to find the clue that would lead her to see what was behind all this. And when Byakuya looked at her she saw it. Yes, he was hurt.

"Why?"

"Up until now- no, up until that fateful day..." Both of them knew which day he was referring to. "... I harboured hopes of being able to reach you. No, rather of you being able to reach me. I let all my defenses down, I wanted to know you, and show you how I was, dropping that mask of ice and the bitterness of loss I was hidding behind. I'm sorry I could not fight against my surname, I'm sorry I condemned you to stay with me faking what you are not. I'm sorry I did not meet your expectatives as a brother and as a man. I know I could have done it better, but I would not dare risking your sanity. Therefore, I'm sorry."

Rukia knew what she had just heard was a confession from the depths of Byakuya's heart, but she couldn't shake the feeling of unneasiness that lurked in her body.

"My... sanity? Expectatives? What are you... talking about?"

"I said I'm sorry I could not meet your expectatives as a brother even though I promised to Hisana. And I couldn't behave like a brother to you not because I despised you, but because you resembled her so much it hurt to be near you if I hadn't got over her death."

Rukia sighed. She aknowledged that.

"I lied."

She stared at him, her violet eyes wide from shock.

"That was just at the beginning. Not only you are different from her physically, but in every possible aspect. And every bit of you I got to know in the years you spent with me left me wanting to know more; I couldn't allow myself to reach you, though."

Byakuya made a pause and looked at her, his eyes full of pain and contradicted emotions.

"I said I was sorry I could not meet your expectatives as a man. I feel you don't quite get that last part, don't you, Rukia?"

She was about to nod sheepishly at his question when his eyes changed into a smoldering look and Rukia felt there was not enough air to breathe.

"Was it wrong for me to think you would feel better if I promised to never touch you?"

Rukia was astounished. What was that question? What for? Why now! Of all the freaking times, why now?

"I don't-"

"Tell me Rukia, did you feel relieved of deceived that night, when I vowed to never touch you?"

Again Rukia felt blood was not running properly through her body, not allowing her therefore to be able to think of a proper answer to such question. She couldn't think. At all. And it would have been easy, it could have been easy. And though she couldn't bring herself to answer. She just didn't know what to say.  
>Byakuya rose from the table, not breaking eye contact with her, and as he approached her Rukia started to move away from the table, dragging herself to the door that lead to the gardens. Then he stopped.<p>

"What are you running away for?"

Rukia blushed. What the hell was she doing, crawling backwards to the door, as if trying to run away from an enemy that had her trapped? Hell, it was Byakuya, sure he could be intimidating but this- this was bizarre to an extreme point! And it was because all this self consciousness had kicked her full force at his words, reminding her of the kiss from last time; the only time he had been so near of her. Yes, he had vowed to never touch her, and that vow had last five years. That kiss couldn't even be considered worth breaking it!

"It's me. No matter how hard you look, I still be me."

She gave him a confused look. So he noticed she was dubious as to how he was behaving. Again she felt her face hot. She was making a fool of herself for nothing. This whole situation could be easily solved with a simple sentence. Where had it gone all her resolve and bravery? _'Now, spit it out Rukia!'_

Byakuya knelt before her and Rukia felt her back pressed against the wall.

"You... intimidate me, even though I have no motives to run away from you, you make me feel as if I had to run away."

Byakuya's eyes narrowed.

"Was I being to direct for you? I thought you had already gone past the shy phase in _relationships_."

Now was Rukia's time to narrow her eyes. First he was charming, now he was stabbing her by the back? Her voice matched the bitterness in her eyes, directed to him.

"That's none of your business."

"You haven't listened to a single word I have said then."

Rukia shot him a dangerous look.

"What are you implying?"

"Are you running away from me or from yourself?"

"Don't answer with a question Byakuya."

Amazingly his features changed to an amused look, an evil smirk appearing in his face. It was intimidating to see him smiling like this.

"Oh, now we even drop the suffixes - you must be extremely angry at me."

Rukia couldn't understand a single thing. Was he challenging her? Did he found it funny to intimidate her? What the fuck was wrong with him today? If he was going to play, she could play too. Why bothering with formalities, it was easier to call him as he did with her friends. Let it be, then.

"What do you want from me, Byakuya?"

"An answer."

"An answer? To what?"

"Do you love me?"

_'... what? What? WHAT?' _Rukia stared at him in utter disbelief. But he looked dead serious. A chill ran down her spine. He meant it. He wanted the truth. Of all the times it had to be now. '_C'mon Rukia! now, tell him loud and clear that you don't love him! Ichigo's back! you don't have to rely on anyone's love anymore, you can finally stay with him! Go and tell him!'_

"I don't love you."

Byakuya gave her the strangest of the looks. His smile faltered briefly and then came back, even more menacing than before. His voice was like velvet.

"Say that again."

_'What the fuck?' _There was a silence. She rose an eyebrown. He meant it for her to repeat it? For real?

"I don't love you Byakuya."

His hand was faster that Rukia's eyes; suddenly he had her grabbed firmly but softly by the chin, his face inches from hers. She gulped. His eyes were burning and she couldn't tear hers away from him.

"Again."

It sounded like an order she had to follow. She hesitated for a second.

"I don't love you."

"_Again_."

And his nose almost touched hers. And Rukia lost her train of thought.

"I-I do-don't lov-"

"True enough."

Byakuya breathed his words inches away from her lips, tickling them. Then he released her slowly and put some distance between them. Rukia felt her whole body go weak. What had happened? He affected her that much? Still?

"You might not love me, but you want me. And you want me to love you."

As if her deepest secret, read from her treasured hidden diary, had been blurted out in the middle of a classroom full os assholes, Rukia felt the last remains of her dignity reduced to shreds. He knew. He fucking kew it, all. He knew her heart, but she had never given it to him, had she? She had to deny it, but instead words refused to leave her mouth.

"I saw it in your eyes back then: the helplessness. At the beginning you felt so lost and sad I rummaged through all the papers and writings from the clan to call out the marriage. To avoid you being unhappy. I couldn't avoid it though. Thus I had two options: I could ignore you and behave like your brother no matter what..."

Byakuya looked at her, his eyes tortured.

"Or I could try to ease your helplessness with love. But I was afraid you most likely wouldn't love me back, therefore I wouldn't put more preassure on your already complicated situation. I would bury it deep down."

"Are you implying you thought about loving me back in sinpathy?"

Rukia stared at him in disbelief, her voice showing outrage.

"That's exactly what you wanted from me."

"That's completely false!"

"You deny it?"

And his eyes were smoldering again. Rukia shuttered.

"O-of course!"

Byakuya smiled again.

"You wanted to be saved, but I couldn't bring myself to love you because your motifs were wrong. You just wanted to be loved and feel loved. And I knew it would pass and I wouldn't be able to stand you going away. Now our time is running out, and that's what has made me decide to do this. Well now, do you want me, Rukia?"

His hand was in her chin again, she could feel his breath, smell the scent from his clothes - she hoped for that irresistible scent to be from his clothes so her mind wouldn't travel beyond -, and his voice was permanently sending chills from the back of her neck.

"Now that you can have me, now that I want you back and can give you what you wanted, what are you going to do? Are you going to reject me, Rukia?"

Words left her lips in a whisper.

"It's too late."

Byakuya froze. He felt it, felt the pang of hurt in his heart, the erratical beats pumping too much or too few blood to him. He knew what she was referring to: she had always loved that Kurosaki boy, and he knew she had given him her heart long ago. It was precisely that fear to lose her now that he was back what had forced him to be honest with his feelings to her. He couldn't aford to lose her. But there was something else budging him too. He knew she was also referring to the fact that she had betrayed him.

"I know about your feelings for Kurosaki, and your relationship with Abarai."

And he saw her tortured eyes grow wider, at the revelation of the secret that had never been a secret to him. She thought he didn't know, she must have thought he wouldn't care. She was terribly wrong. He knew, and definitely he cared. Rukia turned her head in shame, turning pale, she couldn't even blush. What would she blush at, by the way? This was no innocent game she had been caught at, this was a traison she had performed for the past five years against her husband. If not for love, at least for respect she should have never done it. But she did. And now not even her early regrets would save her. She wanted to die from shame.

"Don't be ashamed, I know why you did it."

His voice was soft, but Rukia couldn't bring herself to look at him.

"We never spoke properly; the amount of respect you had for me and the fear I had to love you avoided us to put in words or acts what we felt. Now, look what has become of us."

"Since when do you know of Renji and I?"

Her voice came in tortured whispers.

"Almost from the beginning. Don't worry, I won't retaliate against him."

Slowly Rukia turned her head towards Byakuya and looked at him. Her eyes were lifeless.

"It won't happen again."

"You make it sound as if you could stop going to him."

"That's exactly what I'm implying."

Byakuya rose an eyebrow disconcerted. Did she mean it for real, to be able to stop seing the man she had given herself to for the last five years? Was she prepared to sacrifice herself for him?

"I don't want to force you to stop seing your lover."

"I don't love him, Byakuya."

There was a silence, and the sadness coming out from Rukia was so evident Byakuya didn't know what to do. And couldn't understand a thing.

"Then...?"

"It was a way to ease my heart. I used him, and I regret it because he doesn't deserve this treatment from me. I owe him my sanity, and still I can't bring myself to love him. I'm despisable and low."

Now Byakuya was shocked. Did she feel that pushed against the edge? Rukia looked at him and thought she saw in his eyes sadness and pity. She smiled sadly at him.

"Don't be sad, you couldn't help it. This was never what you meant for none of us, isn't it what you said? We should stop torturing ourselves for what could have been different."

_'She remebers what I told her that time...'_ Byakuya felt his chains were too heavy and painful to wear, he needed to free himself from these chains he had been tying around his will this years. And his feelings slipped through his lips like blood from a wound. If she didn't love Abarai, if he could prevent or sear the last remains of love that tied her to Kurosaki, then he'd definitely have her. He had to give it a chance and try.

"I kissed you because I couldn't help it. I didn't do it to humilliate you, nor to try you. And I also did it because I was sure it wasn't your first kiss. I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I had stolen that from you unwillingly."

She looked at him tiredly, and again in her beautiful violet eyes he saw the same that at that time: helplessness.

"There are so many things we can't help... It doesn't matter anymore, Byakuya."

And this time he knew she was addressing him by his name and it didn't imply hate or disrespect. She meant it to be near. And he knew this was the same as last time she felt this way, that she opened to him and wished for him to save her. But now it will be different, he wasn't going to repeat the same mistakes from the past, now he could ease her, he was willing to love her, and relieve her from her burdens.

"Stay with me Rukia."

And he kissed her.


	10. Chapter 8

hello people! It's been such a loooong time sisnce I last posted a chapter... exams and stuff wore me out and... well, obviously the manga has reached a point where it's so interesting that this fanfic wasn't appealing anymore. Not true (laughs), but srly, if you like this, review pleazz! :D I'll try to keep it updated from now on, let's see if manga leaves me inspired XD. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Bleach and its characters doesn't belong to me, but to Kubo Tite sensei (all hail Sensei!)_  
><em>

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><p><em>Rukia wondered for a moment if all that was good and pure in her was long ago gone. If she had lost the last remains of innocence she had left. If she could ever be able to feel unadultered love, not to heal a wound, not to cover her empty soul, but for the happiness of it. <em>

_She wondered many things in that few seconds her kiss with Byakuya lasted. She wondered about Renji, and how mangled and reaped his heart must have been because of her. She wondered about Ichigo and how desperate and alone he must have felt to do what he did to see her again. And she wondered how, of all the people, she made her brother fall in love with her._

Rangiku spluttered her drink and started coughing violently, rests of her alcoholic drink dripping from her mouth. When she was able to breath propperly she stared at Rukia as if she had uttered the biggest incoherency ever.

"Holy shit, Rukia! _Byakuya_? "

"Would you mind lowering your voice?"

"But... for real?"

Rukia nodded slightly.

"That means you have... a harem for you alone!"

Rukia shot her a murderous glare.

". Rangiku."

She didn't quite get it.

"Wow... so, _menage a trois_, uh?"

"I knew this was a bad idea. I'm leaving."

"No no no, please stay! I mean, sorry, it is... well, hard, strange to believe! Not for you honey, but hell, all together! At the same time!"

"Yeah, speak about hell of a time."

"And... wow. Byakuya."

She said the name with daydreaming reverence. It took all Rukia had not to rip strands of her hair from her head. Any other time it wouldn't have bothered her. Fuck.

"Yeah."

"Is he good?"

"Rangiku!"

Now she was ringing all the wrong bells.

"Sorry sorry!"

Both girls let silence envelop them while the lazy activity at the bar ran around them. Finally Rukia spoke again.

"Ichigo's not gonna be freed today. He admited his guilt but didn't give away his comrades and they don't want a scape goat, they want the entire organization. How strange."

"Yeah, I know. Up until now the chamber of the 46 was eager to make blood run out of anything; for them to be that restrained is very, very strange."

"Indeed..."

Silence fell again.

"Rukia."

Both girls turned to the door of the bar. Renji held a look or awesome tiredness. Rangiku wavered her hand and smiled widely at him.

"Aww Renji! C'mon here my poor boy! Come and have a drink!"

"Thanks, Imma need it."

Renji sat next to Rangiku and ordered hot sake. All the while Rukia had her eyes fixed on her drink. Rangiku realized late she was in the middle when she caught Renji staring at Rukia and Rukia avoiding lifting her eyes from the glass at all costs.

"Would you please mature?"

Rangiku huffed and got up from the chair, gaining deperate looks from Rukia and Renji in the process. She just sighed.

"Toilet."

And she dissapeared by the women's door. That left two very akward people not knowing what to do or say. Renji coughed.

"So..."

"Mhh."

Again akward silence. Tonight the bar was almost empty. Renji tried again.

"I hate it when taicho is so morose."

Rukia snapped her head up and gave Renji the strangest look.

"What?"

"Yeah, he made me check all ol' fighting equipment from 6th division and make an inventary. Even things that should have been thrown away ages ago where stored like a pile of trash in some random box. C'mon, it can't be that difficult to find them a proper replacement. He could sure have bought a new kendo equipment in all these years, but nooo... and when I suggested very politely to replace them by new ones he gave me the talk about preserving antiquities and made me check them twice to observe they were perfectly right. Seriously, I've been stuck there for a whole day!"

Rukia started to laugh. Renji smiled and followed her laughing.

"I like it when I can cheer you. That much at least..."

The melancholy in his voice wipped Rukia's laugh and it was replaced by a sad smile.

"You are always here when I need you."

"I wasn't there when you needed me the most for a very long period of time. I owe you that and more."

"Don't speak about owing things; it almost sounded as if it was a moral obligation you have impossed."

"Well, I do. I'm using you to feel happier."

Rukia looked at him and for the first time in days they were able to hold their gazes.

"How's Ichigo?"

And Rukia felt a nerve twitch.

"Was that on purpouse to break the mood or what, Renji?"

Renji merely rolled his eyes.

"... He left me worried last time I spoke with him. And now that I've checked on you I can ask about him."

"Really Renji, what are you playing at? What's your aim?"

"I suppose I'm some kind of masochist; I like it when you hurt me."

Rukia raised an eyebrow.

"Nah, if I had to had an aim, that would be knowing I'm leaving you at the right hands, nothing more. Whenever I know you're gonna be OK with him, I'll dissapear."

It was quick. Rukia was gripping Renji's forearm with her left hand and she was trembling. Renji looked at her with a mixture of worry and disbelief.

"Did I move you?"

"Don't joke with this shit, Renji."

"I'm no joking."

She slapped him. Renji was astounished.

"Are you telling me you plan on leaving me again?"

"There's no purpouse for being by our side once you have him, is there?"

"Of course!"

Renji flinched at the intensity of her words.

"Of course there is... you've always been my best friends, my only and best friend... we grew up together, we've shared all kinds of things together, we... you were my..."

"Shhh Rukia, it's OK, I won't-"

"How could you say you'd dissapear, just how could you Renji?"

She started to move away from him, but Renji cupped her face.

"Rukia I'm sorry, OK?"

"No, it's not OK Renji! How, how can you!"

A slap came from nowhere and crossed Rukia's cheek. Rangiku stared at her.

"Get a grip, Rukia. You're making a scene."

Shame colored Rukia's face and she sprinted to the toilet. It was time for Rangiku to be angry and for Renji to be afraid. Very afraid.

"Just what the hell have you done Renji?"

"Nothing! I swear, I dunno what the fuck I've done!"

Renji stared at Rukia dissapearing through the bathroom door. He sighed.

"I swear, I just... wanted the best for her. And I guess I'm tired today, and my brains don't work properly, and I... well, I just wanted her to know I woulnd't be in her way, and I wanted to tell her now that she was happy and stuff. Really, I'm sorry."

Rangiku huffed desperate.

"Oh god Renji, you're such an idiot sometimes."

"What! Not you too Rangiku, please."

"She doesn't want you out of her life, Renji. She never wanted. It's always you who walk away from her thinkin' it's for the best. Don't make decissions like that without consulting with her first."

Renji stared at her amazed.

"Yes, of course I know about your friendship for long ago. She told me when I couldn't understand her fears at losing you when you first had sex."

Renji lowered his head and checked his cup of sake was already cold.

"But I don't want to hurt her, Rangiku... and I know she's not making this out of egoism, but I want her to be happy, and I'd do whatever at my reach to help her. Once she has Ichigo by her side she won't need me to feel happy; I don't care about my pain, I deserve it after leaving her alone-"

"Are you stupid? Do you think she won't hurt if you're hurt?"

Renji's eyes opened more. Rangiku smiled at his realization.

"Don't you dare hurting her like that again; she's been alone for long, long time. And when you finally started to befriend again she was very scared of losing you once you started to be lovers. Don't think she doesn't care about you: of course she does, and she is gonna need you always Renji, because you're a very important part of her life. And if you wanna step outta her way, better not be for such a lame excuse as being the best for her. Unless you can't stand seing her happy with another man, don't ever walk away from her again. Didn I make myself clear?"

It took a little for a smile to come to Renji's lips. He didn't know if when the time came he'd able to stand seeing her in Ichigo's arms, even if he knew it was what she wanted, but he also knew that, out of his own egoism, he wanted to keep her. No matter what. A sad smile finally reached his lips.

"Yes ma'am."

"OK, now wait until she's back and apologize properly. I believe dry martini would do."

Both smiled and Renji felt as if a weight had been lifted from him after so long.

*****  
>::::::<p>

Rukia woke up with an epic headache; no doubt the intake of alcohol had surpassed her usual nights. As the room spun around her, she tried to connect small pieces of information to locate her whereabouts and most importantly, the fact she had to remember why she didn't know where she was. She decided the part of the room spinning where she was looking didn't provide enough information so, painfully, turned her head a bit to her right. And gasped. Renji was laying down backwards on the bed, completely naked from what she could see, and the bed was a complete mess. She cursed and let herself fell on the bed, hissing at the movement it created convined with her spinning world. Renji made a sound that resembled a snore.

"God, what have I done?"

Rukia knew what had happened last night to an extent; she was out of the toilet and after that it was as if the mood had completely changed around Renji and her. They had laughed, spoken and drank. Well, they had drank a little bit too much: they had gotten drunk. Then... blank. She couldn't remember a thing. Her last memory of the night was Renji laughing and cheering with her and some more people on the bar, then... then nothing. Nothing except the fact that, 99% sure, she had slept with Renji. Not in a 'friend who stays over' way, she concluded, after taking notice or her own nakedness. Great, just another broken promise.

Leaving aside the feeling of guilt that was threatening to overhelm her any moment from now, Rukia tried to guess what time of the day it was; the curtains of the room where closed and she had no idea if the sun was covered by clouds, it was still before dawn, or it was late. Extremely late.  
>She had never been that drunk before. And confused. And tired. She decided to get dressed in the mean time while making a decission about what to do. But as soon as her small weight left the bed, Renji's head snapped up and she cursed.<p>

"Oh!"

They both stared at themselves. Then Renji blinked, rubbed his hand before his eyes, and blinked some more.

"... not a dream then."

"You're awfully smart this morning Renji."

"This morning?"

"I hope so."

Rukia sighed and put on her hotpants giving her back to Renji. She moved to the curtains and opened them slightly; the sun had started to rise. Renji made an attempt to speak even though he was still half asleep.

"So... last night... "

"It seems so."

"... I'm sorry."

"Are you?"

Rukia stared at Renji in disbelief. He stretched and then shruged.

"Well, now you're taken."

"I'm already taken for five years, Renji, and I didn't see guilt not once in your eyes. I can't see it now, for the matter."

"I'm not that affected, Rukia. I meant-"

"I know."

They stayed in silence while Rukia kept on retrieving her clothes.

"Well..." Renji started to look around him in what Rukia supposed was a search for his clothes, but then he became frantic. He got on his knees and started looking under the bed. Rukia eyed him suspiciously.

"What are you looking for, Renji? A hidden camera?"

"Ha, ha. Not funny, Rukia. I'm looking for the condom."

Blood left Rukia's face. She got on her knees too and started to look around too. Renji woke from the ground and threw the sheets at the ground shaking them. Nothing. Not under the cover, not under the bed, not under the matress, not under the clothes. Nothing.

"...Renji."

"OK, calm down. I will find it."

"Renji maybe we didn't use one."

"Shut up, of course we did, we always do."

"Can you remember it?"

Renji pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed deeply.

"No, I can't."

Rukia was about to cry.

"But I can't remeber a single thing about last night, so calm down. Not remembering doesn't mean we didn't use it Rukia."

"... where do you keep them?"

Renji's face lit up. He knelt and searched between his clothes. He opened a small wallet. And then he did nothing.

"Renji don't scare me. Renji. Ren-!"

"It's here."

Another silence. Rukia concluded.

"It's not open."

"Affirmative."

A sandal flew and hit Renji's head. He didn't move. Rukia wanted to cry but she couldn't; her face felt too akward. Renji turned to Rukia and hugged her.

"It's OK, it doesn't mean it had happened something bad, just calm down and we'll try to remember what we did last night; maybe we didn't do it at all."

Rukia nodded sheppishly but the turmoil inside her was too much to allow renji's words to calm her. Yes, it was a possibilitu, thought remote, that they hadn't made it last night. Being naked alone at the room didn't prove a thing. Nope, it didn't. renji saw the distress grow on her.

"Shhh it's OK, calm do-"

"Stop telling me to calm down... fuck."

"OK..."

They stayed like this for a while, Renji smothering her hair and Rukia gripping his arms, until exhaustion and most of it, hangover,wear her out. Rukia rested her head on his shoulder and he kept on moving his hand up and down her back.

"Hey Rukia,"

"Mmhh?"

"Do you ever think what would it have been like if we had stayed together after that day, if I hadn't let you go..."

Rukia moved her head enough to be able to look at Renji from the spot she was resting it. She closed her eyes tiredly.

"Not again Renji, please. Bringing it up over and over again only hurts the both of us. By the way, do you think this is the best time to bring it up? I'm in the middle of an epic hangover."

Renji snickered.

"It's as good as any other; we don't get that many chances to stay together alone without fucking, so..."

Rukia pinched him in his side and Renji laughed.

"You are such a weirdo..."

Rukia hid her face again in his neck and Renji hugged her.

"I royally fucked up our relationship back then, didn't I?"

"... It does no good to think about that now."

"When then?"

Rukia snapped. It was enough with the confussion about last night, did this man had no sense of timing?

"What does it matter now, Renji? the past is the past; and we are now like this, why do you keep on pressing then matter?"

Renji grabbed her by the waist and made her look at him. His eyes were serious.

"Why can't you be honest and fucking tell me? We never talked, we always avoided the issue like fire burning our tongues, tell me I did wrong that time, tell me I should have stopped and think, whatever!"

"Well, hell yes! Yes, I wished you had stopped me, I hoped with all my soul and heart you had seen beyond me, though it was evident I didn't want to go! you didn't even look at me straight in the face! You just... blurted out loads of crap about how cool being a noble would be, and then I thought I was such an idiot..."

"You? You being the idiot? Why?"

Rukia leant her head until her forehead touched Renji's chest.

"For building false hopes of you wanting me to stay with you."

"...Rukia."

Renji wanted to tell her how much he loved her, wanted so badly... but he realised after all this time that he had no oportunity in her heart; it was evident he had hurted her, and that now she couldn't see him as a trustworthy person to love. It was true; his own insecurities about being able to catch her, to be good enough for her, made him go away from Rukia. And now he couldn't fit in the place of her heart he wanted. Yes, he could keep fighting to gain her again, to make her love him and amend for all the wrong he did back then; but he also knew his time had passed, and that she already had someone she loved. He smiled in spite of himself aknowledging his defeat, _'well at least I can avoid losing her now.'_

Rukia lifted her head and looked at him, worry plastered in her eyes.

"Why are you so willing to let me go Renji?"

Renji knew she was referring to the conversation they had the night before at the bar. And then he smiled.

"Because I want you to have what I couldn't give you: happiness. And if you can find it with him, then I'm ready to help you achieve it by any means, even if it means breaking myself in the process. You deserve being happy. I know because I love you."

Rukia's eyes started to water, and soon tears stramed one by one down her cheeks.

"I loved you Renji. I loved you so much..."

It was the nearest to a confession Rukia has ever made, and it saddened her very much it had had to be 50 years after losing that feeling. She felt as if her heart was being pulled out of her chest remebering again the pain of the rejection she suffered back then. Renji put a hand on the top of her head and petted her.

"I'm very glad to hear that. After all this years, knowing that you did love me is... healing."

"Healing?"

Rukia's voice was mid amussed at his choice of words.

"Yes... well dammit, it hurts, the truth is it hurts a lot knowing I lost you when we both loved each other so much, but... now I know I have something to begin with, that our friendship now is what was before we loved and lost each other. That means we have a bond; and I want that bond to remain. I cherish that bond more than anything else Rukia, and I want to keep it and take care of it."

"Does that means you won't leave me again?"

"I will always be with you as long as you want me, Rukia. As anything you want me to be."

_"And if you ever feel like dumping that punk, count on me to be by your side; I'll never stop loving you."_

Rukia's smile was so happy it was contagious. For the first time in long, Renji saw her smile genuinely happy, and he smiled too. They hugged tightly.

"Thank you Renji. Thank you very much..."

"It's OK, you don't have to worry about this anymore. And hey, don't worry about getting pregnant; if my sperm are as stupid as I am, they'll run away from your ovule because of their inferiority complex."

She punched him.

"Asshole..."

"Yeah. But seriously don't worry; I'm sure nothing's happened. I'd remember it; it's always epic with you."

They both laughed and punched each other lightly; after a while a confortable silence set between them and then they decided to get up and end putting on their clothes.

"Renji."

He turned his head at Rukia, who was combing her hair with her hands.

"This is... the last time."

"I know."

His voice wasn't sad or angry, or desperate. He was accepting it and dealing with it.

"After all, it was just sex."

Rukia smiled at his choose of words.

"Yeah. Just sex."

And they left the room as their last time being lovers.


	11. Chapter 9

Well, hello! It's been SUCH a looong time since I updated here... not because I forgot about it, but becuse manga has become so much interesting I didn't feel like this story could go on. It can, in fact, but recent developments in the manga are obliging me to change things I had long before planned. Fullbringers, for exmaple, and stuff that are not THAT important for my story but still, some coherency is needed. Then, here's the latest chapter, sorry to all my readers for the long wait, I really hope you like this. I'll try to keep this updated as much as possible! Kisses to you all.

Disclaimer: Bleach does not belong to me. It all belongs to Kubo Tite sensei.

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><p><em>Some days I just stay at bed after waking up. Waiting. Waiting for the day to come, to pass, for darkness to stay. Sometimes I want your light to come and save me. Sometimes I just don't want you at all. If I could stay like this, not wanting you at all, it would be a lot easier, not missing you. Forgeting you. Living without you...<em>

_:::::_

Four days have passed. Rukia was faced always with the same answer to her request to see Ichigo. He had been punished with exclussion unless he cooperated with the investigation driven by the Soul Society. And it looked like he had absolutely no interest to do so; and Rukia couldn't stand it anymore. Four days was all she had to lose her mind over the matter: First settling things with Renji, which didn't erase the ackward feeling they had everytime they casually saw each other; then avoiding at all costs Byakuya, which was an easier task than she thought: it looked like he too was playing his part and avoiding her as much as possible. Rukia thought of the irony of it: all her life hating and saddening at the thought of Byakuya ignoring her, and now she could not feel more relieved. The world was quickly turning upside down.

On the morning of the fourth day Rukia woke up crying. It was long since she last dreamth of Kaien dono. Back then it had been her usual dream, a dream of forgiveness and forgetfulness, a dream with Kaien dono and Miyako dono taking care of her. A dream in which Kaien told her to go on no matter what, of entrusting her to be able to overcome whatever happened, even his death. But that morning, after years of getting over and accepting it, of dealing and forgiving herself for the matter, she just couldn't help it. This time her dream had been different; this time her mind had played a trick on her and had showed her something she didn't want to see: Ichigo dying. By her hand. Yes, as irrational as a nightmare was, she couldn't help to wake with a start and her erratical, out of control heartbeat. Not only because of the nightmare itself, but of what it implied. The feeling of loss was so overhelming, she thought she couldn't breath. After calming herself down a little and stopping her sobs, she thought about her feelings for him again, and found helself unable to breath again. Just the thought of him not existing was enough to drive her to that state.  
>What if she were to lose him, because she didn't do a thing to help him? Could she do anything at all?<br>Meeting Ichigo had saved her life.  
>Ichigo saved her from her darkness.<br>From her loneliness.  
>From her guilt.<br>From her distorted memories.

She wondered not if she could do something for him, but what. And her tears stopped.

Ichigo woke up the morning of the fourth day with dark bags under his eyes. Not only because sleeping in a bassement wasn't confortable - he couldn't distinguishing night from day, and he was alone at all times except for the interrogatory- but because he's beginning to feel the stress of being captive and not being able to do anything with the situation outside these four walls. He wondered for a moment how long he would let this go on. He had advised his father and Urahara not to come for him if he didn't come back, and yet he knew he could be retained here for as long as he didn't cooperate. He just had to speak. And condemn himself. Honestly, what had he came here for?

Rukia.

Just the thought of her name brought a smile to his lips. But thinking about her sad face, about her words, about the current situation they were in, wipped it quickly. He cursed.

"Fuck. It's all a matter of misscommunication."

He knew well why he was betting against the odds, why he had accepted the summoning even knowing it was a trap.  
>Because he had to see her. Five years without her, without knowing of her had left permanent scar on him. But it wasn't until he heard of Soul Society again, that he felt it.<br>The void, like a black hole pushing him over an endless black space. He felt himself drown, felt as if all the rain that had flooded his world was swallowing him to the depest pits and knew he wouldn't be able to overcome it. Not now, after this. Maybe, he thought - even knowing it was a lie to himself rather than the truth- , if it would have been 10 years instead of 5, the news wouldn't have striken him like they did. He knew nevertheless, that no matter how many years had passed, the only thing he had been able to do was pushing and hidding his own heart. But it happened; the letter arrived and his heart woke up form his lethargic state and pushed like a hammer against his ribs. Her name repeated in his mind like a mantra.  
>Rukia.<br>_Rukia.  
><em>"Rukia."

Again a smiled appeared on his lips.  
>He had overcame worse. Despair wouldn't stop him. He could do it.<p>

****  
>::::::::<p>

_Five years ago._

You know, depressed couldn't conceive at all the feeling of extreme worthlessness and sadness Ichigo felt at that moment. Self pitying himself was the last of his concerns; Rukia's look, her eyes giving away the feeling of betrayal she felt and the unknowledge of his reasons to do what he did were haunting him no matter what he did. Closing his eyes wasn't helping at all.

He felt his pulse beating strongly in his temples, where an epic headache was beginning to appear, his hands were cold but sweating, and his head has a hot pot of thoughts; he was regreting it. Of course he was, but he couldn't do any other thing. He wanted to accept. Hell, it was his dream come true, being able to be a shinigami, being able to stay with her no matter what, fight side by side, protect her, take care of her, look at her... Rukia was in all his thoughts. But he wasn't a shinigami, and they didn't know. Yes, he was regreting not being honest, but when he thought of the possible outcome he could only feel relieved. He had protected her, she was safe now. He'd pay for all he's done, and with luck, maybe he wouldn't throw his life to waste; maybe there was a way to make things right. There had to be; he just had to go and talk to Ginjou. That's right, go and talk to him. Talk to him and make things clear.

"That's not how you do things, boy."

Ichigo woke from his bed with a start.

"What the hell are you doing here? Weren't you supossed to be into hidding?

Jackie was sitting in the frame of the window of Ichigo's room, looking rather pissed off.

"Warn us with time boy. You told us with hours about the damn SS visit and now it takes you days to come and get us out of damn hidding. Honestly, where's your head?"

"There's no such a thing as 'panic button', Jackie. I didn't had much more time nor means to let you know. Anyway, thank you."

"Yeah, for saving our arses dissapearin', you mean."

There was a silence and Jackie huffed, climbing off the window into his room.

"Ichigo."

He looked at her.

"You're not here boy. You're far away. I think you should come and talk to us now that things are 'quieter'."

Ichigo smiled unamussed.

"I was going to that point. Take me to Ginjou's, there's things I need to talk to him."

Jackie gestured him to go after her and they both eloped from the window. Downstairs, Isshin woke from the couch and looked upstairs.

_"Careful Ichigo. We need more time to build up an strategy."_

::::

The Fullbringer headquarters had changed its location, a large ramshackle in the woods was now the place choosen to hide from the rest of the world. As they were approaching the house Ichigo noticed quick nervous glances from Jackie. And he started to suspect. Something was wrong; not just that he had left them two days without notice of the shinigamis, but something else. They all were keeping secrets from him. He didn't even know what for he was doing this. What did they win from the exchange? Something was odd, and he was decided to ask once he got before Ginjou. But when he crossed the door after Jackie the mood couldn't be colder. Everybody was there, and Ginjo didn't even cast a glance on Ichigo as he entered the living room. The door closed behind him and Ichigo decided it was enough.

"Ginjou."

Riruka made a move that look defensive but her hand took a possition that, had she had worn a gun, she might have as well gripped it. Ichigo narrowed his eyes. This was definitely not a friendly encounter.

"Take a seat, Ichigo."

"No, thanks. I'm better off here."

"Still reticent of us? What have we done to earn such distrust, Ichigo? Haven't we helped you up until now?"

"Are you extorting me?"

Ginjo smiled. A wicked smile that gave off a strange feeling.

"Take a seat, Ichigo. I won't repeat myself."

Yes, it was a warning, that one Ichigo could interpret clearly. But it wasn't like him to back down so easily. He approached the seat where Ginjou was, but his intentions were quickly read by Giriko. His bulky body moved along with him and took a defensive stance.

"Kurosaki, the issue is gonna be discussed short after you take a seat. Why waiting then?"

Ichigo passed a look from Giriko to Ginjou and took a seat before Ginjou, making everybody in the room relax a bit. The tension was too evident.

"So. I see you want answers. Answers to why shinigamis look for us. Answers different to those we gave you at the beginning."

"Yes."

"You quickly understood the dangers of being caught, and you hid our existence and included yourself in our group. Now you want to know what is this strange feeling that is off, isn't it?"

Ichigo nodded.

"Easy then. You are not a shinigami. You are a fullbringer. You can fullbring the energy from a dear object into your strenght. But you keep your human body and thus, you're mortal. You follow me?"

Ichigo glared at him angrily.

"I am not making you lose your time, Ichigo. Any other answer you look for won't suffice. I can make you powerful, powerful enough to see spirits, to communicate with them, to _touch _them."

Ichigo narrowed his eyes.

"But I can't make you a shinigami. I can, though, make you something that nears it 98%. I can provide you all they took from you. They think you have a zanpakuto, they think you miraculously regained your shinigami powers. That cannot happen. You're human. But I can make you an almost shinigami human. Isn't it a good deal?"

His smile was dangerous. Ichigo had stood listening quietly the whole time waiting to ask the question he first had when he reached the house, but now he had a new question, a very important question that outstanded the rest of the benefits they were offering.

"From this point on, I have two questions I need you to answer me, and one has been really nagging me from a while now, one that I should have taken into consideration long ago when we first met."

"Which one is it?"

"How do you know about me?"

Ginjou smiled openly.

"So you start with the though one."

"No, that's NOT the thought one."

"Oh, really? Then which one will it be?"

It looked as if Ginjou was enjoying the conversation that, for the rest of the people in the room, was distressing.

"Do you want me to ask you the thought one first?"

"Yes, please."

"What do you want from me?"

"Oh boy. That is exactly the thought one."

Ginjou tensed a bit in the couch and crossed his arms.

"What makes you think we want something from you we haven't told you yet?"

"Nothing is that cheap. I've already risked too much, lost too much. Tell me why do you know about me and what the fuck is going on. And how."

"So you wanna know what is your side of the bargain."

"Exactly."

"As I said when you accepted to join us-"

Ichigo narrowed his eyes at the word join.

"-we wanted to get rid of our fullbringing powers and give them to a human with high spiritual force. What that human did with our powers was his business. Now, looks like you don't buy this anymore."

"Go on."

"We are not sacrifing ourselves. We've already lost too much here too, and we are sure not saints. Your side of the bargain is being _ours_."

"_Yours_?"

Ichigo repeated the word with disgust.

"Yes, _ours_. See, we looked for someone like you, Ichigo; someone with your capacities, your knowledge of the situation, to take profit of it. You were the perfect candidate. In fact you are the only one who can do this, because you were the substitute shinigami. And thanks to your help we can be finally free from prosecution, from blame, and live peacefully our mortal lives if we give you our powers. We want peace. But before peace comes revenge."

Ichigo understood quickly what was implied.

"You want me to be your hiring bully? fuck that, I'm not doing dirty job for no one."

Ichigo got up from the couch and directed his steps to the door. Nobody moved from their places, though they passed anxious looks to one another. Ginjou spoke.

"Stop right there and listen. You are already doing dirty job, and you're already in. Here's the deal: You can become a shinigami _fully_."

Ichigo stopped at the door and turned to look at Ginjou.

"But you just said-"

"But our power is not enough."

"Then what have I been doing?"

"You saw her, didn't you? You could see shinigamis again."

Ichigo narrowed his eyes and balled his hands into fists at his words. They knew all about him. His past, he didn't know to what extent, but they knew his past. And they also knew about Rukia. All. He was very angry at the moment. Ginjou noticed he was about to explode and woke from the couch approaching him. The rest of the fullbringers took an alert stance.

"Calm down, Ichigo. What I'm telling you is that we are able to return your reiatsu a stable step where you can interact with spirits, and you can transform that reaitsu bia our fullbring to a weapon. But that is not being a shinigami. I offer you the nearest to one. And you only have to do what we ask you."

"That being..."

"Killing enemies, traitors."

Ichigo snapped.

"You have to be kidding!"

"Don't suffer, it's not as if you haven't killed before. Besides some of them would be souls doomed to become hollows in time so just think about shooting two birds at time; you make a favour to humanity and recover your shinigami's powers. And we're all happy."

"_Some _of them?"

"Souls can only give you small power ups and slow the process; if you ever wanted to speed it up you might have to look for some humans with high reiatsu."

Ichigo grabbed Ginjou by the collar and suddenly all the rest of fullbringers were around them, pointing weapons at Ichigo. He didn't back down.

"You have to be fucking kidding me! How can you say it so easily? killing humans and destroying innocent souls, who do you think you are to decide who's deserving of some penalty?"

"_Innocent _you say? Not having murdered someone doesn't make you innocent and definitely doesn't make you deserve going to soul society. I'm offering you take the reiatsu of both people alive and already dead that do and did terrible things but won't be punished for it. It's fair."

"Yeah fuck, _fair_! How do I know you're not tricking me into killing innocent people you just dislike? How do I know if I'm in the right side, you not being my... _their _enemy?"

"You don't know."

Riruka's voice was a low whisper, but it was enough for Ichigo. Something was very, very wrong. He had to kill people, living beings! What the fuck? He didn't even had to think about it twice.

"I won't do it. Deal is over, come and take from me what you've given me if you want to, but I''m not a murderer. No matter what."

"No matter what you say, it's already too late to refuse. See, you can't just walk away from here, even powerless and hope for us to forget this little conversation and hire someone else. No Ichigo, it has to be you."

"I said no."

"And I said you don't seem to understand: you can't object. You're already in. No matter how much make up you put on it, you're already one of us, if anything happened you'd be involved with us. Therefore I think it's better if you keep up with the plan and each of us take his side of the bargain. Otherwise terrible things might happen to those you love the most."

Ichigo launched himself against Ginjou again, punching him hard on the face and making him take some steps back. Giriko and jackie grabbed him by the arms to avoid him hitting Ginjou again.

"Blackmailing bastard!"

Ginjou wipped the blood from his upper lip and smiled confidently.

"I look for my own interests."

Seeing things were bery messed up, Jackie put herself before Ichigo and grabbed him by the face; the boy was about to break down.

"None of us chose this, Ichigo. It's the survival of the fittest; I belive you understand this better than anyone else. You have to understand it, even if you don't agree."

Ginjo spoke again.

"Look Ichigo, at this stage you can either stay with us and fulfill your duty and then be paid, or try to run away, expose your family and friends and be either killed by _them _or by us. Not a good deal, from my point of view. You are the one to lose the most, dontcha think, shinigami substitute Kurosaki Ichigo?"

Rage ran through every fiber oif Ichigo's body. He was weaker than them and they outnumbered him, but that never stopped him in his fights. When he fought, ever since his first trainings with Urahara san, he did it not because he could win, but because he had to. But here he wasn't the only one involved. If he fell, so will all his beloved ones. He couldn't expose them, he couldn risk their lives. He had to stay calm. And think straight. Now wasn't the moment to launch againts Ginjou and rip him off all his limbs. There were six of them... and fuck. Even Chad. Chad was also a fullbringer. What if he had to fight him? No, they were friends, he'd never...

"Ichigo, we want to hear your answer. Are you in?"

Ginjou's voice was an ultimatum. He was smiling. He saw himself already winner.

_"Just this battle, not the war. I can lose this battle and afford to lose my pride in the process, but save the rest. I'll win the war. That's all that matters now."_

All the training and succesive battles and encounters he had had had helped Ichigo to think cooly for once, and he meditated his words and weighted his decission.

"I'm in. But with conditions."

"We can negociate."

"Then it's on."

Ichigo knew Ginjou wasn't stupid; after what had happened he'd be under vigilance and his movements would be monitored for sure. But if he could prevent more than necessary harm and build an strategy to defeat them from the inside, everything would be fine. Yeah, he could do it. He'd pay for it later, but he had to deal with consequences right now.

Little did he knew about what he would be able to avoid and why.


	12. Chapter 10

I do not own Bleach, it all belongs to Kubo Tite sensei. Hope you enjoy this new chapter! :D

Ps: OMG OMG OMG manga chapter 477! x3333

* * *

><p>"Here's what you asked for, Kuchiki dono."<p>

Hanataro's weak voice interrupted briefly Rukia's reading through the pile of papers he had already provided her with. In a few days she had gathered almost all the papers related to streets, drains and emergency routes to escape in case of Hollow incident, all of them renewed after Aizen's betrayal and the later Winter War. She only needed a few more maps and her business in the 4th division would be complete.

"Thank you, Hanataro Yamada kun."

Hanataro smiled shyly and blushed slightly.

"Is there any other thing you may be needing for your recruitment practices, Kuchiki dono?"

Rukia gestured swiftly with her head denying it. She then tore her eyes briefly from her reading and gave a thankful look at Hanataro.

"That's all. Thank you very much for you effort collecting all this data."

"Oh! No- no, as I said, they are worthless papers we just accumulate here; no one ever needs them, and we already know the evacuation procedures to manage an incident if ever happened. We are in control."

Third seat Hanataro Yamada said with a slight red smug face. He was very proud of his newly acquired seat and he did as much as he could to please everyone at Soul Society. It was no secret he had a weak spot for Rukia. She felt bad for getting advantage from it, but knew it was her chance.

"Then again, I hope it is kept between the two of us; I don't want to bother your division or leave you in bad place. After I train, I will bring them back."

Hanataro nodded and smiled weakly again. He sure was a good person. Rukia hoped if this ever went bad, he wasn't the one to pay. But then again, sneaking into the 4th division and stealing such a huge amount of papers wasn't an option to begin with. She didn't even thought about how many plans there were, she couldn't risk being caught and exposed for such a ridiculous matter. So she contacted the one she knew would never confront her or question her plans. Yamada was good. He was a little bit too good for his own good.

A week had passed since Ichigo's arrival and later imprisonment. So much had happened out of her control in the following four days, and the last three days of this week she had spent them gathering determination and wits to do what she must; she was going to break him out jail. One way of another, preferably in secret and then eloping together who knows where. She had yet to think about that. By now she had the plans and she was studying every meter, intersection and secret hiding they provided. Everything would be useful in her mission. Suicidal mission. She didn't give a damn; it wasn't the first time she had risked her life for Ichigo, and now she could say she was in control of the situation. She knew sooner or later the day would arrive when she would have to risk her life again for serious matters, other than missions under nii-sama surveillance. Better now than never. If she was going to be caught and punished for something deadly stupid, now was the time. She'd free Ichigo from jail, and hopefully elope with him. And if she couldn't, she'd free him and let herself be the bait so he could elope. She had all this thought. She just needed to put it into practice. And quick.

Loaded with a ridiculously amount of papers in her arms, Rukia left the 4th division headquarters and directed her steps to the cave in the mountains where Renji and her used to train to improve in power. She checked twice if someone could watch her going to the cave and find it suspicious. But for all they knew, it was just the quiet and obedient wife of the Kuchiki head. Where her steps lead her, was none of their business, and her reputation had always been faultless. She didn't arise suspicions of any kind, not even when she was absent for long periods of time in which she went alone with Renji to train; Kuchiki Byakuya was always on charge to excuse her absence and make a proper excuse for her, even when he did not know - did he? - where or who she was with.

Just in case she shunpo-ed to the cave after leaving the main gate of Seritei. Once reached the cave, she shook the load from her tired arms and proceeded to tidy it into useful, less useful and useless information.

For what she could see, if these new amount of papers didn't add new information to the already scrutinized papers, there were 4 main routes she could use to make a flawless escape with Ichigo from jail. Always taking into account she could manage to distract the guards, or somehow be able to take care of them for time enough.

Lost in thought she spent hours planning routes, sketching small maps in case she would forget an auxiliary route, and plotting how to take down guards and elope without being traced of before they could be missed. By the time she realized she had not light enough to read, night was falling and darkness engulfed the cave. To prevent rising suspicions she didn't lit a candle, and came back to the manor watching the sun set finally behind the tall mountains of Mount Koifushi.

::::

Dinner was unexpected. When Rukia entered the dinning room there were two servings waiting in the table and she felt a shiver run down her spine. She was late, that she already knew. What she didn't know is that this time, her brother was expecting her to have dinner with him. The last three days they have successfully avoided one to the other and even the service knew the timetables to avoid them being at the same room together at the same time. This must have been then, plotted by Byakuya. So he was going to finally break his silence and speak to her again. Or the opposite, maybe it was him who wanted her to break her silence and give him a word. Either way, she wasn't prepared. And she hadn't an option to refuse. She sighed and went to her bedroom to change into proper clothes, her shinigami uniform sweated and dirty from stitting in the cave's ground. When she came back, dressed in a purple kimono with light yellow flowing patterns all over and a greyish obi, her brother was already waiting for her standing next to the door.

"Okaerinasai, Rukia."

"Tadaimasu, Byakuya-sama."

They both sat in opposite sides of the table and started to eat in silence. Rukia served him first filling his bowl with rice, and then started with hers, filling just half of it, her stomach fluttering.  
>The silence continued in a strange evening, Rukia couldn't decide if it was comfortable or just plain awkward.<p>

"Are you tired?"

Rukia lifted her head from her bowl, her chopsticks still in her mouth, and nodded slightly.

"I was wondering if you'd accompany for a walk through the gardens after dinner; tonight the sight of the stars is particularly beautiful."

Rukia wondered for a moment if that polite request, obviously heard by the service, was a trap to have her into an uncomfortable talk. She couldn't refuse, nevertheless.

"I'd be glad, Byakuya-sama."

Dinner kept on in silence, and when they finished eating, Rukia noticed her legs wouldn't move. Either way she was way too tired, or her body was sending her signals to prevent her from going to the walk. She sighed and made an effort. The sooner the better; three days after that awkward moment were more than enough.

_Byakuya's lips left Rukia's after some seconds of a soft, charming, sweet kiss. She could still smell him, feel his mouth pressed slightly opened against hers, taste his tongue. She opened her eyes and saw him opening his, his look of longing and at the same time expecting something... something from her. She hadn't kissed him back. Once she felt him near her, once she finally had what she had wished at first... she didn't want it. It was terrible, she could place herself in Byakuya's position and feel the incoming confusion and desperation. She wouldn't love him back. Rukia avoided his gaze and Byakuya's eyes turned sad and quickly avoided looking at Rukia. He lifted from the ground and left the room. Nothing could be said, words never were so unnecessary. There was no way to make the situation better, no words to ease him. She had rejected him, she couldn't do anything else. She knew whom she loved. She knew whom she loved. She knew... she repeated these words like a mantra. All the already said replaying in her head like a tune just in case Byakuya could read her mind - unlikely, but it's a common fear we all have when we know we're lying, a self defence mechanism we activate when we want to believe our own lie. - and her legs wouldn't let her get up. And her body felt hot as hell. Yes. She was aroused. Not kissing him back had been the most difficult thing she'd ever done. She wondered how she'd been able to lie so perfectly so that Byakuya, a man whom you couldn't keep secrets from, had believed her. Her self control had been perfet. She couldn't believe it. Yet there she was, not being able to wake up, still dazed and with her heart racing. She decided that, since he was already gone, there was no problem in staying there for some more minutes and calm herself down. That night she dreamth of Ichigo kissing her, and when her eyes opened there was no other than Byakuya there. She cursed. But luckily for her, her deploying lie had been absolutely bought by Byakuya, and they successfully ignored one to the other. _For these three days. Until now.  
>**<p>

It was true, the night was beautiful, and thanks to the lack of moon that day the Orion constellation could be perfectly seen, plus the air was mild. They walked together - she a few steps behind him - and he finally stopped when they reached the koi pond, some rocks casually arranged around it and trees moving slightly from the breeze. He didn't turn to look at her.

"I'm sorry."

His words stung her. They had an edge of pain that made her feel amazingly guilty.

"I forced you, I put you in an impossible position, and made you more fearsome of me than ever. I'm terribly sorry Rukia."

She wanted to deny it, but thought better and let him speak. She couldn't confuse him more, she couldn't confuse herself.

"I interpreted wrongly your signals, I knew you were asking for love, but I confused what kind of love. It might have been my own desperation and solitude which had driven me to this delusional state. I felt so alone I thought we could love each other back. From the beginning I knew it wouldn't be healthy, than no one sane would agree with that. But I let my feelings confuse me, instead of thinking rationally about it. I'm sorry, again. Looks like it's the only thing I can say."

_"You're wrong. You're wrong..." _she wanted to say it, ease him... but she couldn't. This story had to end then and there. In a few days she'd flee from here, and that would break his heart. If she was captured doing such a recklessly action she could be condemn to death, and she was pretty sure Byakuya wouldn't stand it twice. She had to leave things very clear, make sure he understood it was an unrequited love, which it was, leaving aside the requited attraction.

She spoke, her voice calm and slow.

"Don't be sorry, Byakuya. You did nothing wrong. I know it isn't easy for you, as well as it isn't for me."

"We've played enough the cat and mouse game where both of us were hiding purposely from the other; I know you avoided me because what you saw in my eyes back then made you feel uncomfortable. Had you stopped to look at them long enough you'd have understood it. Then you'd have seen worry. And tortured love."

Byakuya made a pause. He still wouldn't look at her.

"Have these three days helped you ease your mind?"

"...Yes, they have. Not completely, but they have definitely helped."

"I'm glad."

The wind rustled against the trees and some leaves fell; autumn was coming and the air was becoming colder every day.

"Rukia."

She lifted her eyes from the ground and found him looking at her.

"I really love you."

Rukia's heart did a strange bump and she felt as if it was decided to escape her body through her mouth. Her face must have been strange, because Byakuya quickly dismissed the matter.

"Of course as my sister and sister of my deceased wife, you're the closest to a family I have. I've been alone for too long, and even if I haven't treated you well, I appreciate you. I wanted to apologize once more for the treatment I've provided you with in all these years. You were undeserving of such isolation. My own resentment made me do it; I could never be repentant enough."

Rukia felt moved and before she could think, she was answering him.

"All I wanted to, all I fought for, was your approval and love. Don't repent for these years, you gave me a home, you gave me a place to belong to, and a family. We cannot change what we are, or our circumstances, Byakuya."

Rukia felt a shiver of cold and in a moment she found herself embraced by Byakuya's body, covering her own.

No, no, no, no! this definitely was no good! What had he said earlier about being siblings! Had she been too kind?

"Please, just once. Let me hold you. I won't ask for anything else, just... this."

His plea was so moving Rukia didn't know what to do. Yes, it was wrong, she had to shake him off before he could get the wrong idea - and her for the matter -but his body pressed against her felt so good, so right... his smell, his heat, the shape of his body, broad shoulders, strong arms... shit. She was going to be defeated by her own instincts! react, Rukia dammit!

"I'm lying, I'm lying again, not only to myself but to you! Will this round of lies never end? Should I be honest once and for all, Rukia?"

She froze in place. Holy shit, yes, she had exceeded herself back then when she let her feeling slip after his speech. Now the Pandora box was going to be opened. If only he'd release her - or notice she wanted to be released by a miracle, because well, to notice you want to be released from an embrace you have to oppose resistance, and she wasn't really trying. _"traitor body" _she thought.

"I distanced myself so much from you when you were adopted, I could not consider you my sister. If I couldn't see you as my sister, I couldn't create a tie with you. Therefore you were a strange at my house. How am I suppose to see you as my sister if I never acted as a brother to you? I know who you are, you know it too. And even though it has Hisana's wish for me to behave like a caring brother that looked after you, I didn't do it. And now I see myself with contradicted emotions, because I never thought of you as my sister, but as the sister of my wife. The sister of my deceased wife. What am I supposed to do? To think? To feel?"

"Would you rather have me dead instead of her?"

He froze. Rukia ringed all the bells. She knew she had to, if she wanted to look like a cold bitch and make the separation between them noticeable. If pushing him away wasn't going to work - mainly because she found herself unable to do so - she might as well look like an indefense puppet he was playing with. The card she was playing was dangerous. He broke the embrace and looked at her outraged.

"No, no! Of course not! How can you...? I wouldn't trade a death for another! It's true that the love I felt for her can't be compared to you, that I won't ever love any other woman like I loved her. But I wouldn't even think about such an horrendous thing."

Her heart cringed inside. Why the fuck did it hurt? What had he said besides the truth? Wasn't she expecting something like that? Wasn't she consciously playing the card of her deceased sister's love for him? Of their shared and lost love? Then why this pain in her chest that didn't let her breath?

"Then what were you looking for in me? What do you want from me?"

Byakuya gave her the saddest of the looks, a look of impotence and desperation.

"A healing to my heart. Just some healing."

Rukia felt it late to stop them; tears streamed down her face and quickly Byakuya was embracing her again. She clinged to him and pressed her body against his, her tears wetting his kimono.

"I can't give you that. I... I already love someone, if I were to fall in love with you, to choose you instead, you'd never love me as I would. You'd always have her in your heart... don't confuse me more than I am already..."

Her true feelings slipped through her like a waterfall.

"I'm sorry."

They stayed like this for some time, she felt her tears dry and her cry turn into quiet sobs, and finally calmed herself down. Byakuya never left her, and it was strangely comfortable to her mind and soul. He was reliable, he'd always be there, he'd provide her with all she wanted. All except his sole love. And it would always be an unrequited love, where she'd always have a first she couldn't be with, and he'd always have a first too, that he lost. She didn't want that. It wouldn't be fair for none.

"You know I can't accept it."

Byakuya distanced from her only a little to look at her in the eye, and again she saw love, she saw longing and loneliness.

"We can't always get what we want. I lost the love of my life. You won't ever be able to stay with him. It's a matter of compensation."

Rukia denied with her head, and smiled sadly. A second chance in love, that's what he needed, to find someone that could love him and just him, never betray his trust, stay with him forever, only love him. A person whose heart only belonged to him. And that couldn't be her. She'd never be able.

"You can't give up that easily. I can't for the matter; I can't resign to a life of false comfort and hurting love. We wouldn't ever make the other happy. Yes, we'd keep company to each other, but in the end, I'd never love you like you need, and you would never be able to give me what I expect. Our hearts are already occupied, Byakuya."

He stared at Rukia in content silence, and his eyes gave away the tumult he was feeling inside. Byakuya was, in the end, an introspective man, that not often let his feelings slip. She was quite aware that such demonstration of feelings was a rare thing to see, something just produced by the desperation he couldn't keep inside any more. Finally, he closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, they were gentle.

"I understand what you're saying, Rukia."

His sad smile Rukia knew could only be cured with time and love, and she prayed he found someone, someone who could love him unconditionally, just like she knew he deserved. She felt a pang of hurt in her heart knowing how long her trip to stay with Ichigo would be. Even if they could elope, the future was uncertain and dangerous. She knew once they reached the real world they would be able to hide thanks to Urahara san, but she just suspected not for too long.

"What's worrying you?"

Concerning voice and calm eyes surprised Rukia out of her musings. Should she...?

"If you had to fight... for what you think it's right, even if no body else's thought the same... if you had to fight just for your happiness... to what extent would you fight?"

Byakuya thought for a moment.

"You know how this boy changed our lives."

Rukia gasped.

"If I had enough determination, nothing would stop me, except that person's refusal. But if I knew I was doing the right thing, just from my heart, not even that would stop me. It didn't stop you, nor him, am I right?"

A tight hug. It was the only thing that came to her mind while she thought of how thankful she was for being part of the Kuchiki, no, of Byakuya's life.

"Thank you."

Byakuya hugged her tightly too, and whispered in her ear.

"You're welcome."

Than he released her and she saw, just for a brief moment, the pain he was suffering, and knew he was fighting for her happiness, leaving aside his own heart.

"I won't be of help directly, but I can provide timing. I won't be able to tell you when, though, until the last moment."

Rukia nodded convinced.

"What I would like to ask, if anything..."

"Whatever you want, Byakuya nii-sama."

Rukia's happy voice held a reverence and love that made Byakuya's heart stung.

"Just tell me in advance. Please."

The memory of Yoruichi, the first person he had loved in a way, disappearing from his life from one day to another, still stung like poison in his heart; Rukia nodded.

"Always."

Byakuya relaxed visibly. And Rukia thought to herself he needed to trust more in people, and in his own heart. Good thing she was the exception of his determination. Good thing he had realized he couldn't cover an injury that keeps bleeding with a simple cloth.

"Let's go inside, night is becoming colder."

"Yes, Byakuya nii-sama."

As they walked inside, Byakuya started to think of a way to help Rukia in her dangerous, reckless - he was amazed of how cool he had been over the matter of letting his sister and love risk her life like this - mission, and two thoughts crossed his mind.  
>There was someone that could help, someone they needed. And as he kept thinking about this lost battle for love and comfort, he also thought that, had he had enough determination, the only thing he lacked was requited true love. And was decided to find it.<br>Maybe he should tie again those relationships he severed, maybe that would help in the process of being more honest with himself. The thought of that new beginning gave him hope. He decided there was an important tie that had been severed long ago, and was determined to start by it.

Good thing that stray cat was more present than ever in their lives. Good thing he had an excuse to meet her.


	13. Chapter 11

Hello dear readers! happy chocolate day! xDD Sorry for the lack of updates, but thanx, thanx from my heart to **zombiegirl22** for her review. You're So nice!  
>I apologize too if you expected some fluffy chapter just because today's 14th of Feb, I'm not that kind XD and also, even if I had wanted too I'm behind in my work line with this fic, and the love issue will be touched next chapter ;) I promise some interesting lemon goodies XDDDDDD raw! Hope you enjoy this chapter, a lil' descriptive of the backstory ;) Kisses!<p>

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><p><em>All I have is here and now. I learnt that closing my eyes dind't work, it didn't let me escape from this pain. It only brought more, it only fueled it more. I can't escape the past. I can't face it either. Can I live trapped in this moment, not wanting anything else? If you saw me like this... would you stay here, or would you leave?<em>

Minutes like days, weeks like hours, time flew out of the window or stopped incoherently. Ichigo's life became a whirlwind of desperation. Nothing he did was right, yet he couldn't stop doing it. Like a drugged man with withdrawal symphoms, crawling miserably begging for a way out while the only thing he can think is to get the next dose.

At the beginning it was easy to distinguish good from bad, right from wrong, though that distinctions did nothing but make what he was doing harder than he needed. He had to dilude them, leave them aside temporarily, become one with them and ignore the terrible things he was doing. By the time he realized, he couldn't stop. Nobody told him. No one ever spoke about the power rush, the fall when he stopped. The adrenaline, the contradicted emotions, the mixture between being in control and being controlled. Sometimes the dominant, others the slave, but always changed so fast he couldn't stop and think; he just wanted to get high again. That rush could only be provided with spiritual energy. And that's how Ichigo became what he swore he'd never be. An addicted.

It was never easy to begin being a murderer. The first time he did it, he swore he'd trick Ginjou into making him believe he had destroyed that soul instead of letting it escape. However, Ginjou knew best, and instead of letting Ichigo go on chase, he provided him the first soul, trapping them at Yukio's game. Faced with no options besides fighting them or destoying the soul, he asked for more time. It was then when the worst happened; Giriko deployed his time trap and placed a time limit on them. The only way out was for one of them to die before the trap killed them both. The soul belonged to an mid age business man, his neat appearence and tidy hair gave away a strange feeling; his eyes were consumed, like black pools driving to insanity.  
>Not all souls died pacefully; not all souls had a happy and cheerful life. Not all souls deserved to be absolved. This man had killed his wife, his brother, and then killed himself. This soul had a short chain in his chest that showed how near he was to become a hollow and haunt innocent souls or people with reiatsu, just like that hollow haunted Yuzu and Karin. Ichigo couldn't do anything else; he was faced with the dilema of letting himself be killed by that soul once it became a hollow, or destroy it now, and gain espiritual power. In his head replayed scenes, all that was right, and fair. All he was risking. And threw his fullbring against him. It was quick; what had been a soul became dark dust-like grains that flew violently and entered Ichigo's body by his mouth and nose, making him shout in the process in alarm. And then it happened. A blast of energy, so powerful it threatened to break him in half. He felt like glowing, his body strange to himself, becoming stronger, his vision clearer; he could do everything.<br>Just in case it was too dangerous for a first time, Ginjou advised Yukio to keep Ichigo inside the game until the effetcs of the rush were over. That's how Ichigo experienced in an indetermined amounth of time both the feelings of being high, and the withdrawal sympthoms. They said it had been 6 hours, he couldn't have measured them. Ichigo could only describe what he felt like the closest to being in heaven without being dead. He even saw her, though briefly, in his head of course, though at that moment distinguishing reality from fiction was impossible. He experienced all kinds of humor changes, and finally everything went back to normal. The process reverted quickly, almost suddenly, one moment he was high, the other he was conscious and laid on the ground. And cold. Ginjou explained all this to him later, after taking care of an exhausted Ichigo.

That was Ichigo's first time consuming a soul.

::::  
>****<p>

It was dawn of the ninth day. Rukia finally had gotten permission to visit Ichigo. Her pleas and Byakuya's personal request had finally worked and she was allowed to see him, and speak with him. She needed to talk to Ichigo. She could hardly had any sleep the night before. The conversation with Renji kept replaying in her head.

_"Are you sure about that?"_

_Renji said nonchalantly. Rukia stared at him, determination glowing._

_"Yes, I am. Ichigo is going to be condemned even if he speaks. Byakuya got the information from reliable informers; the chamber of the 46 wanted to see if fullbringers could be trapped, but eventually, even if Ichigo cooperates, they will judge him for treason and condemn him. I'm not even waiting for them to spare his life but condemn him to stay there forever; I'm going to free him. I'm not going to let this farse go on."_

_Renji nooded convinced._

_"Can I be of any help?"_

_"I'd rather you didn't mix in this penal process, Renji. The less to be captured, judged summary and condemned to death, the better."_

_"You wanna leave me out from the fun? That's not right, Rukia."_

_He smirked. She did too._

_"So, what's the plan?"_

_"I'll speak tomorrow with Ichigo and warn him about our plans. Byakuya has contacted Yoruichi, who is acting as pass-by informant between Urahara san and Ichigo's father, who were planning to make a move soon, too. They'd be in the other side of the dangai gate. Yoruichi will provide management to make a clear escape by taking down as many guards as she can without being after we cross the Dangai gate Urahara and Isshin will help us with the escape route."_

_Renji nodded._

_"Where do I enter?"_

_Rukia sighed._

_"I really don't wanna put you in danger, Renji."_

_"Too late. I know of your plans; unless you want me to release Zabimaru inside the first division headquarters, tell me which is my place."_

_His smile was wide. Rukia couldn't help but feel relieved. She didn't show it._

_"Would you be able to guard the entry of the cave?"_

_"Where we trained?"_

_"That will be the dangai door through which we'd escape."_

_"Roger."_

_"Renji."_

_Rukia's voice was dead serious._

_"If we are not there by the fixed time... I want you to hide. I don't want them to relate us."_

_"Tsk, you said it wrong, Rukia."_

_Rukia eyed him suspiciously._

_"What?"_

_"You shouldda said 'If we're late, come and join the fun' and I'd go."_

_Renji smiled goofily, and Rukia debated whether to kill him now or expect for the worst. Then his smiled turned into a tight line slowly, his eyes concerned._

_"What will you do next?"_

_"I don't know exactly... if everything goes well we'll just go into hiding with the help of Urahara san, and then move out and hide our reiatsu. He has been developing some awesome gigais for the time being... maybe I'll stick with being 'human' for a while."_

_"For a while?"_

_Renji's voice was skeptic. Rukia couldn't blame him, her plan had a lot of holes, even Byakuya knew it. But the time was running out, it'd been already 9 days since Ichigo was imprisioned and her worries grew with each day that passed. Not being able to communicate with him, knowing in which conditions he was in made her sick._

_"Will I ever see you again?"_

_This time his voice was pained. Rukia got near him and touched his face carefully, tenderly._

_"I don't know...maybe in time. Does this kind of crimes prescribe?"_

_"I don't think so..."_

_There was a silence between the two, uncertain of what to say or do next. Renji gaining strength to let her go, dying inside. His determination showed up a little, trying to convince himself._

_"Don't be more reckless than necessary."_

_Rukia stared at him astounished._

_"I mean it. Don't risk your life alone. We're here to backup you. I'm here for you, Rukia."_

_"I know."_

_The reassurance silence gave a strange mood._

_"So. He knows already."_

_Renji's voice was strangely calm. It was not a question. Not necessary. Rukia's voice wavered._

_"Yes."_

_"I guess since I'm not dead yet, he won't kill me in the near future when you're not here, will he?"_

_"Byakuya promised not to retaliate, and I trust him. We already had our talk about the matter, and agreed on personal terms. Also, if I succeed he'd free me from this marriage."_

_"...Is there a clause of a 'If you don't succeed' then?"_

_"If I don't succeed, Renji... he most likely will be a widower for the second time in his life. I already told him I'm not letting that happen."_

_"Oh."_

_Another silence. Renji mussed what to say next._

_"How are you feeling?"_

_"Nervous."_

_Her stomach had been doing flips for the last days._

_"...I didn't mean that."_

_He hit the issue._

_"... I'm late."_

_"Fuck."_

Rukia revolved in her futon. She was late. Just three days late. It could be due to the stress, the preassure, the surroundings, the enviroment. It could be a million things except THAT thing. She again thought about that like a mantra. It was nothing, it was nothing. She'd always had a light, escarse period. Never painful, never noticeable. She was lucky compared to other women. She had been late some other times, due to extremely preassured enviroments and stress, and never had given it importance. But this time, she had something against her peace of mind. She had slept with Renji, and... she was just too nervous, she just needed to relax and everything would be right. She fell asleep thinking about that like a mantra. A cat pawn woke her up at dawn.

::::  
>****<p>

Ichigo was dreaming. That much he knew. Yet, he couldn't wake up. It happened to him often, ever since the first time he took souls he started with the strange sensation of waking up from his dreams only to find he was still dreaming, trapped in his inner world. At first it stressed him, then he learnt to cope with it and somehow manage to escape eventually and wake up for real. But for the last months his recurring nightmares had become more persistent and he found more difficulties than ever to wake up even when he realized from the first moment he was inside a dream. That was the case at the moment. He knew he was dreaming, he had already had this dream a lot and it annoyed him to no end; it started not long before his last fight, against Ginjou and Tsukishima, and the rest of the fullbringers, like a summary replaying in his head of all the past events in the last months, this dream. He knew what would happen with exactitude. But he never participated; in all the times he had dreamth it was like a movie, he always saw it in third person. Honestly it was frustrating. When he had the dream for the first time he was confused, but then he saw the fight replayed like a movie, and nothing was different from what had happened. Though he could just watch. It became plain boring not being able to wake up from a dream you've just seen several times. It's not that he didn't learn a lesson from it, he already did learn it the first time. He was fed up of watching the same mistakes he couldn't avoid, all over again. He wanted to fucking wake up.

_It started as a blur, disconnected from time and space. He was there, fighting. And then the settings and enviroment started to appear clearer. He was fighting, against something that couldn't oppose resistance._

_Up until that time all his strikes had been to disarm his opponents, to prevent the fighting from going on. Now there was no fight, he was killing innocent unarmed for the mafia, he was just some hired murderer. He hated his guts for what he was doing and his lack of power to stop. Because the more he had, the more he wanted; only his consciousness, in brief moments, beated him to reality to know what he was doing. And in that few moments he could stop and regret, grieve for what he was doing, and pray for forgiveness or just pray for his revenge to succeed no matter what his punishment for the aftermath was. Now, after all the suffering, grieve, pain, angst, he finally had the power he had longed so much to achieve. Now he had power to get his revenge._

_And he was beyond pissed off. He wanted his bloody, cruel massacre revenge to begin._

_The dream switched to the surroundings of the ramshackle in the woods where all of them hid. He saw his own face clearly: blood injected eyes, those of a defeated but decided man that didn't care of the aftermath but for the fight in itself. He knew exactly what he was thinking at that very moment, his thoughts replaying in a background, not sure if he was dreaming of them or listening to his own memories._

_Who's first? He had to take down first those who could immovilize him or attack him from a wide range. Therefore Yukio and Riruka were first. Yukio looked more dangerous than Riruka, and more willing to fight, but he couldn't be sure, and he wasn't to underestimate her at this stage. All were enemies, all could take him down with enough motivation. All were potentially dangerous. It was a six versus one fight. He had to be quick and not spare any of them. No doubts, no regrets. Save that for later, he couldn't fail._

_Ichigo saw himself enter the large house and then as in a movie again, black switched to light and saw himself fighting._

_They were expecting him, but that had never mattered a lot to him; he knew how to attack, he knew whom to go for first, his body well battle-trained. The surprise element worked in a way; they were expecting him, but never expecting his brutality or lack of synpathy: Yukio's throat was the first one he slashed with his getsugatenshou fullbring just as he entered the house. He couldn't even react. Jackie ran to him and activated her fullbring with Yukio's blood, screaming angered at Ichigo. Giriko took his pocket watch. Priorities, both were quick but he knew of Jackie's fullbring and Giriko was definitely more dangerous. He calculated the damages and aimed first for Giriko. He threw his reiatsu again, allowing Jackie's attack to hit him and getting unprevented Giriko, slashing his head from his body. Jackie was soon overcame too with raw force though she opposed with all her might, and her chest stabbed. That was three down. He went upstairs, where he met Riruka, who aimed at him, refusal in her eyes, with her gun. Ichigo wasn't going to back down now, even it it was Riruka. Even if she denied to attack him now, he knew she'd do eventually once she saw with her own eyes the massacre he had coitted she was very dangerous. He knew of the dollhouse fullbring, but what that gun could do was still a mistery to him. Therefore she was a clear threat; he refused to be trapped in dollhouse again. Riruka shoot, but Ichigo moved quickly slashing her arms by the forearm in a swift move, so she couldn't shoot. They fell as in slow motion, her face unbelieving. Then the screams and cries came. They were awful, yet he was too deep in the fight to realize how terrible they sounded. Riruka fell downstairs bleeding to death while Ichigo met Ginjou in the first floor. He didn't even move from the couch, and smiled widely and mischivously at him. Ichigo was too skilled in battle to care. He knew what that smile meant. It was the smile of someone who didn't give a damn about his lost conrades: a demon. It was just him left; Riruka was still alive - not for too long- and unnable to fight. _

_It was just him...but then someone appeared by his back and slashed him._

Ichigo woke up with a start.

"At least. Ouch."

He rubbed his shoulder, making sure the cut was just from his dream, though the scar was real. What time of the day was it? He looked at the door. No food trail left there, so not even six hours had happened since the last feeding, whether it has dinner or lunch. He sighed. After how much, already a month or less? he had started feeling unconfortable with the isolation, the initial preassure to make him speak now gone. That could only mean they didn't care anymore whether he spoke or not. Maybe they did get the information from another source, maybe they just didn't care. From the beginning Soul Society had wanted nothing to do with the Fullbring issue; they left him to rot there powerless, helpless, alone, unable to ask for help for fear to be punished along with his dear people for what he was doing. Guilt plastered like a second skin no matter what he did. And then, the final shot: the end of everything that could have kept him sane. It trule did take not much at that time to keep him from becoming insane...

Reiatsu.

Ichigo felt it, recognized it, even with the walls that supressed reiatsu he would have been able to recognize her reiatsu, flowing like prefume, tantalizing at times, the other way round some other. It did not help he had been thinking of her nonstop since las time, his heart throbbing at the thought. She was comming. For him. But the smile that formed at his lips was far from innocent, far from good.


	14. Chapter 12

Dear friends, here's finally chapter 12!  
>I'm So sorry it took me THAT long to finish this... I tried as much as possible to give some coherency to what I was doing, but this story is getting impossibly complicated. I feel a bit lost in it xD I wish someone could help me... I have all I want to write, all I want to say, but I can't put it into the story YET. Bear with me. Again, sorry and thanx for keep on reading me. Best to you all, and THANX for your support :) enjoy! 3<p>

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><p>The corridor leading to Ichigo's room was empty. Byakuya had guaranteed Rukia she would have intimacy to tell him about their plans, thus the guards had to be out of the scene. She was just amazed of the power the Kuchiki clan had over these matters. The guard that walked her to the corridor went away as soon as the elevator left them in the right place. Now she walked alone that corridor leading to him. It wasn't long, it was eternal. Half way a wave of reiatsu stopped her. It flooded the corridor and was very unconfortable to feel. It took her some seconds to recognize it as Ichigo's: it had changed a lot since last visit, now his reiatsu emanated a dark aura than engulfed her. Somehow she expected that. In a previous conversation with Yoruichi san she'd been told to watch out for what could happen, since the events happened in the past five years had really had a big impact on Ichigo's personality. Rukia didn't ask for that, nor did she questioned Yoruichi for more; she'd rather trust Ichigo to be honest with her. But, as she kept on walking to his locked room she couldn't help but think just how much of the original ichigo was left, and if it was enough to retrieve his old self, to save him from his darkness. By the time Rukia stopped before his door the reiatsu emanating from it looked like it could break the door. She breathed and swiftly released her own reiatsu. The reaction behind the door was authomatic; Ichigo's reiatsu calmed down, as if the effect of her on him was sedating. She took out the spell-key provided by the guard and opened the door.<p>

Ichigo was there, casually sitting on the edge of his bed, his smile appearing on his face as soon as he saw Rukia. Waiting. She couldn't help but smile. He was just as eager as she was.

"Well, hello. So long, ne?"

Ichigo tilted his head, Rukia's eyes became soft.

"Sorry for that. You wouldn't believe all the burocracy I had to step on to be here. There aren't even guards now, so imagine how long it took."

She closed the door and took away her zanpakuto. Ichigo relaxed more.

"Never mind that now, I'm glad I could see you again. Are these visits going to be regular? For a moment I thought I was doomed to be isolated here for the rest of my life."

Rukia eyed him confussed. What was he saying? Did he already know about the decission of the Chamber of the 46? It was impossible, they were still debating and the influence of the Kuchiki clan and the other divisions was...

"I've made myself to the idea of spending a long time here."

Ichigo's voice sounded calm and accepting, far from being deceived or sad. His eyes, fixed on hers were gentle and Rukia took a step in his direction, closing the gap between them.

Ichigo could feel it, again, her eyes were looking beyond him, far more than what he showed, knowing something was wrong, that something was very wrong. If there was someone he couldn't keep secrets away from, or rather didn't want to, that was Rukia. He smiled sadly, and just like shot by a self destructive impulse his words escaped his lips.

"I can't live with this guilt."

Rukia realized then there was a thick dark fog around the room, a manifestation of Ichigo's reiatsu turning more and more oppressing, asfixiating. It was hard to breathe, and she thought it must be absolutely deadly to live with that poisoning you. She knew it. She had felt it before.

"Do you think I don't know about how guilt feels? It crushes you, consumes and devours you whole, bit by bit, ripping you from the insides until there's nothing left to destroy. I know about the pain, I know about it too much, and how you wish to rot and dissapear for it. That's why... trust me."

"Uh?"

Ichigo's expression was disbelieving. Rukia's voice was calm.

"I said, trust me with your blame; let me shoulder your guilt and help you carry on with it."

Ichigo stalled in a nervous laugh.

"Are you crazy? Do you have any idea of the big, huge trouble you could get yourself into? Do you think I'd even consider mixing you in all this shit, after all it took me to let you out? No fucking way."

Rukia walked to him, the two steps that separated them from the unconfortable distance he had put, and grabbed his face with both hands. She fixed her gaze with a reluctant and surprised Ichigo.

"No, you listen to me. For too long we've let you carry a huge weight on your shoulders. A weight we should have never entrusted to a single person, but we did it. We put all our faith on you, and together with that faith was a responsability that crushed you. It wasn't until late that you saw it, what it meant to be a shinigami. And when you finally got to live your normal life, out of treats alien to you, I thought you'd get over it, but you were, you are surprisingly stubborn wanting to be a shinigami, to fight battles that are not yours. For too long you've carried a weight too heavy for you. And you denied the help of those around you to avoid them being hurt. And I'm sick tired of being left out; I'm as capable as you to carry that weight, all of your friends are willing to contribute. You should trust them, trust me, because we care. "

"You don't have the slightless idea of the kind of blame I'm carrying."

Rukia waited patiently for Ichigo to continue. It looked like his voice didn't want to come out. She released slowly his face, but he was quicker and grabbed both her wrists.

_"It's OK if we stay like this."_

That look meant that and more. The longing, the lonliness, the fear to be left alone. Rukia's voice was firm but gentle. She stared at Ichigo directly in the eyes.

"Ichigo. I'm here to free you."

"What?"

The disbelief was clear in his features, but slowly it sunk and his features became panicked. He rose from the bed and stated walking in circles around the room, looking at Rukia now and then.

"No. No, no, no. Fuck, no."

A twitch appeared at Rukia's forehead.

"Stop that, how can you be so stubborn? Just what the hell is wrong with you?"

Ichigo stopped and looked at her with the most disbeliving face.

"You don't understand a single thing, I just can't believe you just said that, what the fuck were you thinking?"

Rukia became worried at ichigo's angst. It wasn't normal, she definitely didn't expect it.

"Ichigo... calm down."

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down. Get the fuck outta he-"

"Ichigo!"

Rukia reached for Ichigo and grabbed his face again standing on her tips and forcing him to look at her.

"It's OK, you're panicking. I know about that too. I Know why you feel like this; when I heard you were coming to rescue me back then I also panicked. I feared for you. I'd rather die than see you hurt."

Ichigo eyed her desperately, pleading her to understand. She sighed.

"Again, I beg you. Please trust me... I know what I'm saying. And I'm not alone on this. Trust us."

Ichigo took a moment to sink in her words, then realize how hard her small hands were gripping his face, like holding his world, preventing him to sunk. They were soft, gentle yet strong. And they were cold, and slightly trembling. And then he looked at her, this time he really looked at her, and saw all the love, all the comprehension and desire to help she felt. And felt sick with himself.

"I don't deserve to be saved."

She kicked his anckle without releasing him. Ichigo scoffed in pain.

"Dammit Rukia what-!"

"Bullshit."

When she cut him he realized her voice was ragged and her eyes were red. He stopped.

"How can you be so impossibly stubborn?"

Rukia released him and he missed instantly the coolness from her hands, like a damp cloth in his feverish forehead.

"Do you remember all you risked coming here the first time to save me? How you risked your life back then, several times? And what you risked too when you saved Inoue? After all we've been through, did you somehow really believe I wouldn't risk anything to save you?"

Rukia was angered, to the verge of either beating the shit of him or crying for desperation. She could feel it, his guilt would be the death of him, and she wouldn't allow it.

"You don't owe me anything, Rukia. I came here to see you, then pay for my sins."

She snapped. The punch in his head made a noise that could have been heard outside the room. Ichigo opened his mouth but Rukia started to speak without giving him time to reply.

"Fool! It's not a matter of owing you! It's not compensation! What I owe is to be honest with you, with both of us, for all the time we weren't honest."

Ichigo looked at her, confussed, sad, surprised. Rukia felt a tear threatening to escape her eye but refused to stop.

"I came here to save you, Ichigo. And nothing that comes out of that mouth will stop me, because I know I'm right, and you know it too. And before some more crap comes out of that guilty conscience that is controlling you, I want to say I'm not here to judge you. What you did was your problem and only yours is the decission to keep it or share it. I'm here on my own will. Therefore I don't care if you're deserving or undeserving, guilty or innocent. I made my mind; I'm here to save you. And that's it. If you look for redemption I won't stop you, but look for it out of here. The attonement for your sins isn't dying here as a criminal, but paying everyday with your life making the best of it."

Ichigo was astounished, but suddenly he felt the emotional breakdown and started to laugh, a short and shuttered laughter. Rukia wouldn't stop, she was dead serious about taking him away from here, she was risking her life for him. If anyone discovered it she'd be charged with traison and executed. And here he wouldn't be able to save her. He couldn't protect her. He was on the verge of madness. He had tried to convince her to go back useslessly. He couldn't take ir any more.

"Redemption you say? I'm far too gone for that, I'd say, and if you keep walking this path you too will be too far to redeem in the future. I tried to stop you, I tried to protect you, God knows I did all I could to keep you from what was happening down there... But if you choose to go on with this suicidal, reckless plan we'll have to stick with being sinners for the time being, don't you think?"

But Rukia's resolve was settled.

"Is that so? I don't care being considered a sinner as long as I know myself I did the right thing. This is how I feel; I wouldn't be able to live if I wasn't true to myself now."

"How firm in your convictions."

Rukia frowned at his mockery.

"You're not walking this path alone, Ichigo-"

"I refuse."

Ichigo took a step away from her; he found himself impossibly far away, and longed to reach her, but instead he took a step towards his isolation. She didn't want to understand he was protecting her. He shouldn't have come. He should have died back then. He was such a coward... he wanted, longed for her.  
>Rukia's voice was somber.<p>

"So you've decided to stay here and pay however they dictate for your crimes, more for your own guilt than by what those crimes mean for them. You know you're just a scape goat, don't you?"

"I don't care, whatever punishment would be fine."

"Do you consider yourself as guilty as Aizen for your crimes, Ichigo?"

The stare they shared was daring, both trying to convince the other. Ichigo finally broke it and lowered his head.

"You don't understand. I'd rather you didn't, but you're stubborn to know."

Ichigo lifted his head and looked sadly at Rukia.

"The story I told you about when we met here after so long, do you remember it?"

Rukia nodded.

"I made it up."

A step. And the gap between them almost dissapeared. It was the opposite as to what Ichigo had expected; instead of doubting, instead of being scared, she approached him. And not her eyes, or her movements betrayed that aura of calmness. She was there, standing right in front of him, waiting for him to be honest. Giving him the chance to end it all. And he was scared. He'd have rather had her running away from him than confronting the truth, admiting his sins to the person that trusted him. He'd already betrayed her trust once, was he ready to dissapoint the only person that mattered the world to him?  
>Rukia could feel his fear creeping over, his anxiety and reluctancy to speak. His reiatsu tainted in black, cold. She knew about that fear.<p>

"What did you made up?"

When he met her eyes he just couldn't unlock his gaze. Rukia was there. Now. If everything was going to end, it would have to be now. Maybe that was the only time he'd be that near of her. Not in her arms, but it could be enough. Enough if she stayed a little while.  
>Her reiatsu caressed him, flooded the room. And suddenly, through the despair, he felt at ease, sedated before an execution.<p>

"Everything."

*****  
><em>Ichigo stared at Ginjou across the room. It was just him left, and after that he'd be free. Free to do what he must to compensate his victims, to be punished for what he had done. Yet Ginjou didn't look afraid, but eager. Confident. He didn't even took his sword. It was a trap. That much Ichigo knew, his mind, trained to be an efficient soldier, and indestructible shinigami warrior, told him that. But how could that one man only trap be a threat? Maybe he didn't know all his comrades were dead? Ichigo frowned again. It didn't matter because he couldn't avoid it: he'd have to play his game to discover it.<em>

_Ichigo released his fullbring and walked to Ginjou, no rushing since he was still in the couch, smiling at him mischievously. _

_"I'm here to kill you, Ginjo."_

_"Oh boy."_

_Ginjou's voice was so amused Ichigo couldn't take it. His fullbring blasted and at the moment he was about to strike Ginjou down, Tsukishima appeared before him and cut Ginjou before he could. _

_The scene was nothing but dantesque: Ginjou fell limp on the couch, Tsukishima didn't turn away from him, didn't spare a look at an Ichigo who had taken a defensive stance. Ichigo narrowed his eyes. Where had that guy came from? Ichigo decided to be cautious and not attack him yet._

"_You. Is he dead?"_

_Tsukishima didn't turn to look at him. _

_"Answer me. Who are you and why are you helping me now, weren't you the one who slashed Ishida?"_

_"Did I?"_

_Ichigo noticed some mockery in his voice. He grew angered._

"_Weren't you?"_

_Tsukishima turned his head slightly towards Ichigo. A scar was semi visible crossing his forehead and eye. A narrow smile formed in his lips, and for a moment Ichigo felt it familiar, kind of like when he saw Ichimaru Gin's smile before releasing his shikai. That guy… hid something._

_"If the fullbringers turned out to be my enemies, does that mean you are my friend?"_

_Tsukishima sighed, and turned his head towards the limp form of Ginjou._

"_The boy couldn't look closer. Such a failure, Ginjou, he's deceiving me." He then kicked the couch. "Hey, stop that, you're creeping the boy."_

_And then Ginjou moved from the couch. As if waking up with a slumber, he stretched and smiled widely at an astounished Ichigo._

_"False call, Kurosaki. But looks like you were kinda worried there."_

"_I don't know if worried might be the precise word, Ginjou. If anything he was going to kill you; lucky thing I got here in time. You were really reckless standing there like this taking into account the situation you were in."_

_"Ah, but I somehow trusted you'd come in the precise moment; call it a hunch... What took you so long, Tsukishima?"_

"_Business, business… Oh, it's a bloodbath down here, did you know?"_

"_I never expected less from him."_

_Ichigo stood there, out of place, watching how suddenly Ginjou and Tsukishima knew each other, connecting the pieces. He had been guided, sheared into this._

"_It was planned from the beginning; the false accusations, the distrust and suspicion against my friends and comrades… all to drive me to this."_

_Ginjou smiled._

"_See? He's not stupid, just a bit innocent for his own good. He let himself be driven for the sake of power."_

"_Why?"_

_Ichigo was really angered, his fullbring enveloping him completely._

"_Why you ask? To take these power out of you, of course. You were the catalyzer to create a full fullbring form. I'm glad you killed them, Kurosaki; less to share with those useless peonies once we take your fullbring."_

"_Take away my fullbring? What the fuck are you talking about?"_

"_What am I talking about, he says… how funny."_

_It was quick, too quick; By the time Ichigo could react to the fullbring light to call Ginjou's sword it was already too late. Even though he could defend from the first hit from Ginjou, he was inmobilized by Tsukishima's sword pressing against his neck, and Ginjou's had his pointed at Ichigo's chest that same moment. Ichigo couldn't believe how quick they were. Obviously they had been holding up all this time to catch him unprevented. He couldn't believe how fool he was. But why wasn't he already dead? They could have done it so quick he couldn't have noticed. What did they want from him?_

"_Aren't you planning to kill me?"_

_Ginjou spitted blood from his broken lip._

"_Don't be stupid; if we killed you before taking the fullbring it would be useless."_

_Tsukishima eyed Ginjou and smiled._

"_Though boy, isn't he? A pity you did kill those ants before I could Kurosaki; that way we could have stolen their fullbring too and our full fullbring form would have been way more impressive."_

_Ichigo felt nauseated at Tsukishima's words. He stared at Ginjou._

_"Don't you feel anything for your fallen comrades, Ginjou?"_

_"Comrades? They were tools, just as you are! Do you really think I didn't know this was gonna happen? That after all we made you do, and all the hate you built against us, you wouldn't come and try to kill us?"_

"_So you had all these agreed from the beginning, I assume."_

"_You are right, Kurosaki."_

"_There's something I don't understand, though."_

_Tsukishima smiled in anticipation. Ichigo was fixed on him._

"_Why is Ginjou alive?"_

"_You mean why he's not badly injured and bleeding to death like that friend of yours I cut back then?"_

_Ichigo glared at him. Ginjou laughed._

"_Because that's my fullbring, Kurosaki."_

"_What, to choose who to cut or not?"_

"_Don't be so stupid, it offends me."_

"_Hey Tsukishima, maybe he just needs a practical example of what your fullbring does."_

"_Maybe he does."_

_They smiled wickedly.  
>Noises came from downstairs, footsteps approaching, some laughs. The contrast between those noises and what he knew was down there was confussing. What was going on? Where there more fullbringers? Yet they sounded familiar, almost as if...<br>The door leading to the upstairs room opened.  
>And the next thing he saw broke him.<em>


	15. Chapter 13

**SO LATE**. Sorry a million times for the uptenth time. I just can't... ask for forgiveness anymore than this (I'm on my knees now. I was, but I had to get up to type. On my knees. Type) Again **sorry for the LONG wait**. I hope you like the new chapter :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach nor the characters. they all belong to Kubo Tite Sensei (who is doing an amazing work with them. Nii-sama!)

* * *

><p>Unagiya san. Keigo, Mizuhiro, Tatsuki. Chad, Inoue. Yuzu. Karin.<br>They were all there. Smiling. Their eyes bright, their shoes stained in blood. Red footprints were all over the place as they moved erratically around Ichigo, some asking what was wrong, some other trying to get his attention. Ichigo just couldn't focus; eveything was too unreal. He was in shock.

"Niichan, what's wrong?"

"Hey Ichi niichan, are you OK?"

"Kurosaki kun aren't you happy?"

"Kurosaki what's with that face?"

"Ichigo, oi!"

"Ichigo?"

"Ichigo!"

"Ichi-"

"STOP IT!"

Ichigo snapped from his reverie and tried to woke from the ground only to be thrown back with a kick in the side and Ginjou's blade aiming at his heart. He was dizzy, confussed, angry, unfocussed. He shot a glare at Tsukishima and Ginjou, and they smiled wickedly, widely.

"See, Kurosaki kun? THAT's my power. They are mine now."

A wave of heat, cold sweat. Nausea. What was wrong? His friends, his sisters; they didn't seem themselves. They weren't... that was it. They weren't real. The real ones weren't there. Just... a trick.

"And with you the play comes to an end."

Ginjou's sword impalled Ichigo's chest and he felt as if the life was being sucked out of him. His power!

"Kurosaki!"

A blue arrow flashed through the room and impalled Ginjou's leg, and in a second everything turned to chaos; Ishida flashed another arrow at Ginjou, who could dodge it this time, his sword leaving ichigo's chest to adopt a defensive stance; Urahara appeared from the nothing behind Tsukishima, who clashed his sword with benihime and barely could shumpo at his kido. Urahara jumped backwards and shielded with his stance Ichigo's group of friends. Meanwhile Ishida's bow didn't leave the menacing stance with which he was pointing at Ginjou. At the impass Ishida took a quick glance at Ichigo gripping with a terrified look his chest.

"Are you OK Kurosaki?"

Unable to answer with words Ichigo's eyes left for a moment Ishida's after a quick nod and travelled to Urahara, and then widened in shock.  
>His friends.<br>In a flash Tsukishima had re-appeared next to Yuzu and Karin, and Urahara started chanting a kido spell. But then Yuzu and Karin, and all the others moved to put before Tsukishima, blocking the attack.

Urahara's eyes narrowed and he stopped mid kido sentence.

"So it's true; you already sliced them all."

"_Cut_ would be more appropiate. _You_ will be sliced."

Tsukishima's voice was calm, confident, his left hand giving a small squeeze at Yuzu's shoulder. Ichigo snapped.

"Don't fucking dare touching her!"

"Easy Kurosaki, you wouldn't want collateral damages, would you?"

Tsukishima's smile widened, and so was doing Ginjou but Ishida's grasp on his bow tightened and Ginjou's lips closed. Ishida's voice cut the silence and without taking his eyes away from Ginjou directed his question to Tsukisima.

"Hey you. If I were you I wouldn't be so confident. I have here your comrade at my mercy, what makes you think you have the upper hand?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"_Not really_."

Suddenly Ichigo's father was next to Tsukishima in an impossiby quick shumpo with his sword pressing tightly against his neck. In about a second all hope was lost though.

"Tsukishima san!"

Inoue's scream was followed by the release of her fairies, which attacked the elder Kurosaki and made an opening for Tsukishima to escape the death grip Isshin had on him. Quickly Urahara binded Inoue and the others with a spell to prevent more chaos or attacks that turned the fight into a mayhem, and then directed his attention to Isshin.

"Are you OK Kurosaki san?"

"Yeah...-"

"Where's Tsukishima?"

Ichigo's voice cut the conversation and was almost as quick as Tsukishima's re-appearence; In a flash he was next to Ishida and his sword cut through his deffensive reishi shield into him. The horror of losing Ishida as a comrade was quickly replaced before Ichigo's eyes for another so much terrible. Blood. There was too much blood spilling from where Ishida's forearm was supossed to be. Urahara was very quick and sent an attack with benihime aimed at Tsukishima but Ginjou was free now and rejected it with his sword. Ishida fell to the floor gripping his arm.

"Ishida!"

Ichigo tried to move to where ishida was but Ginjou and Tsukishima were there, and then and there he became fully aware of his powerlessness. His fullbring had been stolen. He could do nothing. Nothing at all. He could not fight, he could not help. His crazed eyes flew to his group of friends and his ragged voice came as a scream.

"Inoue!"

That was right, Inoue Orihime could heal him. She could- she has the power to. But her eyes looked at him confussed.

"I will not heal someone who's attacked Tsukishima san, even if it's Kurosaki kun asking. Why would he attack my dear friend? I can't."

Ichigo became crazy.

"What are you saying?"

Isshin voice snapped him.

"Calm down, son, she's not herself."

"Yeah, _calm down_ Kurosaki."

Ginjou pointed his sword at Ishida's neck, who has writhing from pain bleeding at the floor.

"This fight... it's getting a bit messy, isn't it? How about we leave it for another time?"

"Not a chance."

Urahara's voice was dead serious at Tsukishima, who's smile dissapeared a little.

"The upper hand is ours now."

"Like hell it is."

Ishida's voice was strained by the pain, but his eyes were determined when he pulled something from his sleeve and a small piece fell from it. In a second they all knew; the small bottle of condensed reishi he pulled would detonate. It almost didn't gave them time to cover, the implossion was so strong it sent them flying out the house.  
>The last thing Ichigo could see was Ishida's determined look and his confident smile before everything stalled. Then blanckness.<p>

"..."

"Son!"

Ichigo opened his eyes and woke up with a start. His mind raced.

"Ishida!"

"Yeah, don't drama me that much."

Ichigo turned his head to where the voice came from, to find Urahara healing Ishida's sliced right forearm.

"You..."

"Did you think I would let myself be blown up with my own weapon? Seriously Kurosaki, put a bit of faith on me; I had a deffensive shell prepared."

"Your hand."

There was a silence and Ishida's calm eyes made Ichigo turn his away in shame and look around in search, to find his father taking care of his sisters, unscattered, unharmed, unconscious.

"Are they...?"

Isshin's voice sounded restrained.

"They are OK."

There was a silent question though, one Ichigo dared not to ask. Isshin looked at his son.

"I could only take them. The rest might have been taken away by Tsukishima and Ginjou."

Ichigo cursed loudly and hit the ground with his fists. The three men looked at themselves and then at Ichigo, helpless. Isshin woke from his place next to his unconscious daughters and knelt before his son.

"I could do nothing! Nothing at all! I even fainted!"

"You were exhausted from the fight and the loss of your fullbring, it was only natural it took little for you to faint. It's not your fault, don't blame yourself, son."

His reassuring grasp on Ichigo's shoulder was the only thing that seemed to stand Ichigo's ground. All the while Urahara and Ishida looked at the ground.

Tsukishima and Ginjou had fled.

Ishida had lost his hand.

His sisters and friends were still under Tsukishima's control.

His friends were now with Ginjou.

He was powerless. Again.

They had been defeated.

* * *

><p>All the while as Ichigo had been telling her the story Rukia had been very still, listening intently to what he said. When he finally fell silent she knew there was more, but didn't press.<br>After some minutes Ichigo rised his head and looked at her.

"Thank you."

"What for?"

"Listening without judging me."

"That goes without saying. Duh."

Rukia smiled comfortably and so did Ichigo. It was amazing how relaxed he was, if he was sedated he didn't care. That was the closest to being at ease he'd been in years.

"So..."

Ichigo broke the silence.

"I suppose you'd like to know what happened next."

Rukia inhaled slowly.

"Don't press yourself, Ichigo. I'm not here to take a confession."

"I know. I want you to know, though. This way you can decide what to do next, with all the consequences, knowing all the truth."

Rukia was about to reply that she already made her decission, but decided to stay quiet and reassure him to go on. It was his catarsis, she was his catalyst. Once he had unburdened himself he'd be able to seek his answer.

Ichigo breathed deeply, slowly, a sad smile in his lips, his hands tightly pressed against his legs. Finally he relaxed, and looked at her. Of all the things that crossed his mind, the most disturbing one had been until now Rukia hating him, despising him. He did not see any of these in her eyes now. She was there, and all his fears seemed unfounded. He had built fears that mirrored his own disrespect for his acts. But there she was. And all he wanted was to crush her in a hug and never let go. He smiled to himself, and Rukia tilted her head to one side in confussion.

"Are you ready?"

Rukia nodded and smiled at him reassuredly.

"After that fight we went home. It sounds cliche, it sounds weird, even now; being able to get up from the ground, feeling like shit, wanting just to dissapear from the world, ashamed for having to be carried with the help of your father because you cannot stand and have not even the will to try. All the while until we reached home one thought was running wild in my head: my friends were never to be the same; my sisters won't recover either. The feeling of having lost them, all of them, by Tsukishima's hand was unbearable. And I knew I couldn't kill him. The feeling of desperation was so overhelming it crushed me to the ground to the point of being only able to cry, yell, in angst. I had failed to protect my nakama: Tatsuki, Keigo, Mizuhiro. Inoue, Chad. Izumi san. Yuzu and Karin. They all had their thoughts, their memories messed up, and we couldn't contradict them at risk of breaking their minds in the process. I also had failed to protect Ishida and now he was very badly injured."

Rukia nodded. She felt Ichigo tremble by her side.

"Ishida and his father went away. It could be said our last words before they dissapeared were a bit of a bickering, and Ishida being all possitive about recovering and fighting for them all, promising to himself he'd save Inoue. I thought I'd see him again soon, but what happened was that one day he just went away. His father, I learnt later, took him to a place to train and being able to fight... without his right hand. Urahara told us he didn't know the place but I think he just was asked for privacy. I haven't seen him since then."

Another silence. It looked like Ichigo was collecting and placing in order his thoughts to be able to tell his story.

"My situation wasn't better, at all. There was something we hadn't taken into account, something that came rushing and hit me when I was at my lowest: The withdrawal sympthoms."

Rukia looked at him confussed. He smiled guiltily.

"After defeating and killing... I absorbed the reiatsu of all these people, spirits... and it became like a drug. It gave me a rush of power that made me forget about everything else that normally would shallow myself in mysery. But if I took that reiatsu, I was not only a step further for being strong enough to defeat Ginjou and Tsukishima, I also felt better. I felt powerful enough to protect my family and friends, who have always protected me. Of course it all became an excuse to feed me of reiatsu. I was adicted to a point I didn't controlled it anymore."

"It took me a little more than a year to overcome my addiction, like I said. Nobody blamed me, I saw no restraint in their faces, but it was enough with my own guilt. I know, I always know later, that if I had told sooner, sought for help in others, trusted in their strenght instead of forcing all the problems on my back, I would have avoided this outcome. I always know later. That's my guilt to carry. But again, when I think of the people I protected..."

Ichigo looked at Rukia and she blushed at the intensity of his stare,

"...I regret it less."

"The witdrawal sympthoms were terrible, I couldn't eat, I didn't barely ate before because all my nourishment had became the souls I consumed. I threw up and was very weak. By the end of the year I had almost recovered physically. Mentally it was a completely different issue, as you may understand. I was fully aware, despite my state, of my sisters living brainwashed. My father took care of me and of them, but ultimately, when I got worse, he took them to Urahara's place following his initial advice. Urahara could deal with them. I just couldn't stand it, I still cannot understand how my father could."

"Really, what an awesomely strong man he is."

Rukia's voice showed her awe, matching Ichigo's own admiration while he told it. Ichigo smiled.

"He really is. He was all the time with me, helping me to get better, easing my guilt and fighting to destroy the feeling of worthlessness I felt and that prevented me from getting better. After that year I was almost recovered and one day my father appeared with Urahara and told me he had a very important matter to discuss with me. And that was the tests Urahara had been running on me without my consent."

"Wait, what?"

Rukia looked at Ichigo astounished, and he laughed amused.

"Yeah, just in case his predictions weren't right he just wanted to keep it a secret from me. It seems while I was at my worst, in and out conscience with the withdrawal sympthoms, they took me some blood. Or something. I still don't know what they did, but they did well. It seemed fullbring had done something we could take advantage from; like an illness that had my inmunodeficient system vulnerable, it kinda opened a wound inside me, one connected to my inner reishi system, the one I was born with thanks to my father being a former shinigamy, and now my father could give me some of his power to, lets say, heart-shock me and stimulate my reishi."

Rukia gaped at him all the while, her brain trying to understand, comprehend it.

"So your father..."

"I was extremely reticent at first, being the guilty ass you know I am. But in the end I agreed. It helps when you know for sure it won't affect the life of your father. It really helped me to know it wouldn't happen like the last time someone lend me some of her power."

He snickered and Rukia laughed.

"You were worried he'd be powerless?"

"Yes. A lot. I was terrified at the thought of my father sacrificing himself for me and also I was extremely scared of feeling the same as when I consumed souls if my father gave me his power. Then he told me that as a former shinigami, a rogue that left everything for love, he felt that the best he could do with his so long caged shinigami power was to give it to his son. It was the least he could do, for not being able to help me before. I wasn't the only one who's guilt was eating me. Thus, bit by bit, my father transfounded his power to me, stabilizing my reiatsu. It was like a blood transfussion, except because they had to stop my heart first-"

Rukia inhaled sharply.

"-but as you can see I'm perfectly well now. The way to awaken my shinigamy powers after you left condemned to death at soul society was rasher, I assure you. Compared to that this was nothing."

"That does not ease me at all."

She pouted, Ichigo smiled. They both relaxed.

"After that I had to train carefully not to bring back undesired cohabitants inside me again, and to find the voice of my zanpakuto. Urahara made a therapy for me to be able to control my reiatsu . In almost a year, starting when I recovered from the withdrawal sympthoms, the recovering of my powers through my father's started and ended."

"And all the while... I knew nothing. Did the rest of Soul Society knew?"

Her voice was dissaponted, kinda guilty and remorseful.

"Only Yoruichi knew. After the letter arrived requesting my assitance to an audeince they told me there had been a bit of a ruckus up there because reports from people dissapearing as well as souls had arrived and through investigations it all had led to the fullbringers. The case was reopened and they seemed to want me to clear it up. Over again."

"So that was it... they still thought you were involved. Like that time..."

"Yeah. They were testing me, that was why I couldn't go with you. Because I was no shinigami. I had already started my descent to hell. Furthermore, Yoruichi told me they couldn't contact you all the while I was down there recovering, thus when the letter arrived I only knew I had to go, completely unprepared to what I would find once I crossed the dangai door."

"Yoruichi didn't know...?"

"They never told me enything else. It was an absolute surprise to find you married. To your brother."

Rukia grimaced.

"The thing was that I could only tell the truth now. The reiatsu I acquired was different from the last time they checked and they were testing me. I just didn't want to lie anymore. And I wanted to see you."

They shared a look. He averted her eyes first.

"My fater, Urahara and Yoruichi advised me not to go alone, or even not to go; it was a trap, clearly, but the thing was that the alternative was even worse. If I didn't go they'd sent messengers to bring me. They would see what had happened down there, and everybody involved with the fullbringers would be considered guilty, even my friends just because they have been cut. I decided I would be the only one to blame. Down there all are making plans to find the fullbringers and force them to act so soul society would intervene seriously in the matter and then take me away from here, but I have the feeling it's not gonna work. And then,"

He looked at Rukia and his eyes were smoldering.

"there comes you all decided not to give a damn about what I've done and even have the guts to tell me you're here to free me. Seriously, think about it twice."

"No need. I already told you this is my prerrogative. Either I free you or I die trying."

The mood turned serious again.

"Inoue and Chad and the rest of my friends are under the fullbringer mental control, who knows if forever; and I killed the rest of those blackmailing bastards. But I'm no good for it, it doesn't atone the rest of what I did. I killed innocent people, I killed them, and erased pluses that could have been redeemed at soul society. I've made all kind of atrocities for the sake of power and the worst is that the more I did the least I felt. It became normal, had a tantalizing effect. As I became stronger with their power, the regrets astounishingly became fewer. I couldn't feel pity of disgust in what I was doing. I just felt the power up and wanted more. I'm disgusting and I deserve to pay."

There was a silence and Rukia made a sign for him to go on. He eyed her confussed.

"That's it? Or are you going to try dirtying yourself a bit more on the same shit?"

Her retort made him arc an eyebrow.

"Seriously Ichigo, get a grip. This is just plain masochism. We will look for them, find them, make them turn eveybody to their natural state then pay for their atrocities, and free you from your guilt. Isn't this a better plan than being caged here paying for what they made you do?"

Ichigo stared at her. It was as if... she was trying to drill some basic concept in his skull. It was easy. She was there. How could she, after all this time infuse so much HOPE in him? She made it even soun plausible...

"I gave up too easily."

Rukia smiled widely, pure happiness sweeping from it.

"That's the spirit."

"I still feel guilty as shit."

"We will look for a remedy for that."

Yes. A remedy. If he had her there was always a way out. She trusted him, he trusted her. He had her. She loved him. She really did.

"Rukia..."

"Yes?"

"I would pin you down that bed and make love to you like crazy."

That took her off guard. Her blush made her way all to her body.

"Wa-wait, what-I haven't heard you... well?"

"Perfectly well. We have to resume from where we left it last time. We were interrupted, remember?"

"Wait, wait. What's with you?"

"With me?"

Ichigo pushed her against the matress and stood only milimeters from her, nose to nose, his breath tickling her lips. His stare smoldering eyefucking her.

"I want you. I love you."

Rukia gasped. It was the first time he had confessed his feelings. It was not the spur, not a mistake. He just voiced what they already knew deep down they felt one for the other. Yet... listening to it was... wonderful. She felt the joy, the shared feelings, the requited love. The shyness... was not even there. She had dreamth of this, of Ichigo and her for years, in her desperate moments, seeking for happiness in her memories. And he loved her just as she did.

"I love you too. I'm yours."

He smiled naughtily, his happiness surrounding the place.

His fingertips traveled all the way down her face, caressing her cheeck and going at her lips, which she opened and bit his thumb. They never stopped looking at the other. While he kept on travelling down her neck, her shoulder, past her shoulderblades Rukia caressed his face too, his hair, slowly, taking her time. His fingertips sent shivers where he touched, leaving a trail of heat and longing for them to stay and everytime she touched him he shivered too in anticipation. He had longed for this too much. He touched her collabone, and his fingers stopped at the spot between her collarbones. His eyes fixed on hers, daring. Then they touched more, travelling down and not stopping at the end of the kimono opening.

"I've done this a million times in my head."

He was bold, cocky, yet she could see it, behind that expert lover façade; his gentle eyes, full of need and love. She bit her lip and he licked his.

"Show me."


End file.
